“Gavin? Hell no. I haven’t seen him since we graduated college.” I took a deep breath. “It’s Amell. I’m …I’ve been in love with Amell since I was sixteen.” I covered my eyes afraid of what she was going to say.
About two seconds of silence filled my room before she burst out into a fit of laughter. “Girl, you should see your face. I thought you were going to tell me something new. Something I didn’t know.” Uh. I’m confused.
“You know about us?”
She clutched her invisible pearls. “Don’t insult my intelligence. First of all, I saw the way you looked at that man when I first introduced you. I respect Amell because he didn’t go after you until you were grown and damn near done with college.” Well how did she know?
“Actually, it was me who went after him. My persistence paid off the end of my junior year at UCLA. It wasn’t until I started dating Garrett that we stepped over that line. Are you mad?”
A sweet smile touched her lips. “Not at all. Amell is…unique. Very unique. I’d be a hypocrite to say that I want better for you when I’m married to an older version of him. I trust him. I know he will give his life to protect you. If you’re happy then I’m happy.”
That went so much better than I thought. Felt like bricks fell off my shoulders. My goal once I got to Florida was to really have a conversation with Amell. If I came back to California single it was only because he didn’t want us to be a real out in the open couple. I wasn’t asking him to change his Facebook status or post pictures. I’d never try him like that.
What I wanted was a full commitment and that started with us telling our families. I may have jumped the gun by telling my mother before discussing my desires with him, but I needed someone on my side if this blew up in my face.
“What about daddy? Do you think he’ll be mad or try to shoot Amell?” Out of everyone my father’s opinion matters the most.
Basically the future of my relationship weighed on my father. I knew Amell better than he gave me credit for. This man raised Amell. Helped him provide for his brothers. Saved him from going to prison for murder. The list is miles long.
That’s a different type of loyalty that I knew he battled with.
“That’s hard to say. I think your father may feel a little betrayed because the relationship has gone on for so long, but he’ll eventually get over it. You’re grown, Krishna. A full-grown woman who makes her own decisions. Have more faith in your father. He’s more understanding than you think.” That was easy for her to say. She’s biased.
“I guess we’ll see this weekend, huh?” I prayed my father accepted my relationship with Amell. I never wanted to be placed in a position where I had to choose. In this one, sadly, I’d choose Amell. I just prayed he’d choose me too.
Amell
“Talk to me. You seem more stressed than usual.” Mitch had no idea what I’ve been battling with lately.
When JD and I came back from California I jumped on another jet to head to Columbia with Cassian. That trip wore me down emotionally. Dominique kept Noelani’s location a secret for a reason, If I found out she wouldn’t have gone missing for six years. Damn sure wouldn’t have kept my brother’s son away from him.
The last time Noelani and I talked she mentioned going after the man who killed her brother’s wife and son. I knew the answer before she ever told me about the incident. One thing I learned about her is that she preferred to figure things out on her own. Sometimes I may drop clues here and there like I did that night in the hotel when I broke the whole situation down.
“I feel like we’re about to weather a bad storm.” I admitted.
Mitch lowered his morning paper to study me. Once I got Noelani and Cashton situated at my house I went back to the place, back to the person, who had given me much peace when I thought my world was on the verge of ending.
Whatever was brewing out in the wind made me anxious. My hands kept rubbing over my head. Clenched into fists. Cracking my knuckles. I felt so uneasy and it had nothing to do with he and I finally having a conversation about my Gazelle.
“Is JD mixed in your worries?” He knew there was never a time I didn’t worry about JD.
“He lives there. Since I’ve been back, I spoke to him briefly twice. For some reason he’s been purposely dogging me.” Thinking of Jeremy and whatever problems he faced alone pierced the sting in my chest deeper.
It felt like I was living in a realm of deja vu.. Odom had done the same thing right before shit went downhill. I called his grandmother and she told me that Jeremy had been in and out of the house. I checked in with his security detail and nothing was reported back to me out of the ordinary. They did tell me that he’d been spending a lot of time at his mother’s grave.
“What else is bothering you, Amell?”
Giving him my full attention, I spoke my lesser burden. “I’ve fallen in love with a woman.”
His old-man gut jiggled with his laughter. “Well I hope it is a woman.”
“The woman I’m in love with is Krishna.”
Time stopped. The world stopped spinning. Mitch gave me the Diddy stare and I gave him my usual steel glare. At the end of the day this man took in three boys without thinking. Yes, I loved his daughter with everything in my soul, but I had too much loyalty to Mitch and Clover to continue living foul. Granted six long years had passed since I deflowered his daughter, the dynamics of her and I had changed significantly over the years that the truth finally needed to be told.
Putting his paper down and exhaling, he said, “I feel disappointed more than anything. I’ve been there for you in ways I never thought I had the capability of stretching. My respect for you is higher than any living man can say, but you didn’t have the same respect to tell me that you’ve been sneaking off for the last six years to see my daughter?”
Should’ve known that he knew.
“Krishna and I, we had a head on collision that wrecked us too fast.
Admiration turned to lust. Lust turned into craving. Craving turned into obsession. For a while nothing about it said healthy. She fell for me too hard and I had a hard time dealing with what that meant. Trying to make it all make sense. I’m not making excuses, Mitch, and I’m man enough to say that I am genuinely sorry for lying. Omission is the same as telling a lie.
“Part of not telling you was because it took years to feel like I deserved her. She’s everything opposite in my life. I fought against the pull, even when she begged me, I fought. Who I am as a man in these streets, can’t no man break down my confidence? But when it comes to her, I feel like a fucking coward. I question myself and I’m never indecisive about anything. I doubt who I am and have these punk ass feelings of insecurity. I’m supposed to be a man who can give her all the security she deserves, but how can I when I question who I am to her?” Admitting that out loud, I felt low.
How am I this strong man to every person I see walking in the streets but feel inadequate with my woman?
Lately prayers and fasting centered around grace. The same grace God showed Atlas and Cassian when it comes to their women, how their valor and integrity speaks just as loud as their love, I need that. Krishna makes me think too damn hard. Makes me have to face that mirror of my past and flaws.