“No! Please don’t go,” I begged. I had a feeling that whatever news I was about to learn wasn’t going to be what I wanted or needed to hear. I knew that I needed Paige to hold my hand and help me through whatever Dr. Sullivan had discovered and was about to tell me.
“Are you sure that you don’t mind me discussing your medical test results in front of Miss Samuels?” Dr. Sullivan looked at me with the kindest eyes that I had ever seen. I instantly knew whatever he had to tell me was going to change my life in a way that I would never fully recover from.
“She’s family and is going to end up hearing whatever you have to tell me anyway. Let’s just cut out the middleman,” I said as I gave Paige a wink. She winked back at me causing a small smile to spread across my face. She had a certain way of taking really bad or scary situations and making them better.
Taking a deep breath and dropping onto the rolling stool next to the exam table that I was lying on, Dr. Sullivan grabbed a file off of the desk next to him and focused his attention on me. Paige sat quietly on the hard-plastic chair on my other side and grabbed my hand that was hanging off the table. Giving it a squeeze for good luck, “how is our girl doing, Dr. Sullivan?”
Looking between me and Paige, “I wish I had better news to deliver today.” Releasing the breath that he had just inhaled, “You have cancer…”
“Oh my goodness!” Paige gasped as she squeezed my hand even tighter. The tears instantly started rolling down her pale cheeks and I knew that there was no stopping them.
Taking a deep breath, “I don’t want to do chemo and radiation. I don’t want to lose my hair.” I informed Dr. Sullivan. Staring past him at a poster on the wall, I could feel the anxiety building up inside of me and the pain in my abdomen intensifying.
“I’m so sorry, Autumn. I wish I had better news for you.” Taking his eyes off me and focusing on the file that he was holding, “Chemo and radiation are not an option at this point for you.”
“What do you mean that ‘they aren’t an option at this point?’ I don’t understand,” Paige demanded as she wiped the tears that were flowing freely down her face.
Focusing his attention back on me, “Autumn, the cancer is too far advanced. From the scans and the biopsy that were taken, you have stage four metastatic ovarian cancer.”
“What does that even mean?” I asked sitting up on the exam table quickly and focusing my attention on Dr. Sullivan. He looked so sad and helpless. He was clearly fighting back tears and I wanted to jump off the table and comfort him, but the pain I was feeling was too much. It kept me grounded to my spot on the exam table.
Taking another deep breath, “Autumn, your cancer has spread beyond your ovaries. It has invaded your liver and your spleen. It is only a matter of time before it spreads even further.”
“What does that even mean? I don’t understand. How is this even happening right now?” Paige sobbed. I could feel each shake of her small frame and wished that she would let go of my hand.
“Miss Samuels, please calm down.” Dr. Sullivan asked gently as he grabbed a box of tissues off the desk next to him and handed it to Paige.
“I may not be a doctor, but I do know how serious stage four cancer is. You basically just said that my best friend is dying,” Paige shot back at Dr. Sullivan. The tone of her voice was one that I had never heard come out of her in the seventeen years that I have known her. I always wanted her to be more assertive. I just never imagined that her assertiveness would come because of something like this.
Turning to look at my best friend, “Paige. It’s okay. This is not Dr. Sullivan’s fault.”
“Then who’s fault is it? You are one of the healthiest people that I know. You drink water and stay away from processed foods. You walk everywhere and do yoga. You shop at the expensive health food store. Autumn, you don’t even take medicine unless the pain is really bad.” Paige was working herself up to a place that I had never seen before and I needed her to calm down so that Dr. Sullivan could continue. In that moment, she reminded me of one of those older mothers who couldn’t calm down and hear anything else when bad news was delivered; the ones from tv that we used to laugh at and swear we would never become.
“Shh. Everything will be okay. I need you to calm down so that Dr. Sullivan can finish and hopefully give me something to lessen my pain,” I said calmly to Paige as I took my free hand and placed it over her hand that held mine. As Paige started to calm down and relax, I focused my attention back on Dr. Sullivan. He was looking at me with such kind eyes. Eyes that in another life, I wished would look at me with love and desire.
“Autumn, I am out of my specialty with your case. I would like to recommend my wife, Ellinor, as an oncologist for you.”
“Your wife?” I questioned. I felt like I had been hit by a truck and it decided to back up over my already broken body. This was the first time that Dr. Sullivan had ever mentioned a wife. I had been a patient of his for the last ten years and never knew that he was married. Glancing down at his hand, I didn’t see a ring.
“I married Ellinor right out of high school. We went to college and medical school together. She specialized in oncology while I became a gynecologist/obstetrician.” Dr. Sullivan explained with a smile on his face. I could see the love he felt for his wife and was jealous. Not jealous that he didn’t see me that way, but jealous for the sudden realization and knowledge that I would probably never experience a love like he has for his wife.
“She is a very lucky woman,” tumbled out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop the words.
“Actually, I am the lucky one,” Dr. Sullivan corrected me with a smile. “Ellinor has already gone over your file and is waiting to join us.”
“Wait! What?” Not really sure of what was happening, I looked around the room for something to focus on again. The words that Dr. Sullivan had said were now spinning around in my head and I was starting to feel nauseous on top of the pain in my abdomen.
“Are you okay?” Paige’s voice started to drift through all the chaos that started to run rampant in my head. “Autumn? Look at me!”
Turning my head and seeing my best friend sitting next to me, “I’m okay,” I lied.
“No, you aren’t,” she whispered as she squeezed my hand.
Chapter Three
Feeling the room start to spin, I looked at my best friend. “Are you going to miss me?” tumbled out of my mouth as I tried to focus on Paige.
“What?” she asked, clearly confused and not following my line of questioning. “Autumn, hey, talk to me.”
“I thought I just asked you a question,” I laughed. I didn’t know how else to respond to the news that was delivered. Paige’s mother always used to say that laughter was the best medicine.
“Seems like I am right on time,” a beautiful brown skinned woman said as she walked into the exam room. She had long chocolate dreads tied up in a neat bun on the top of her head and a pen sticking out of the top of the bun. She was wearing a red Allenville University t-shirt and a pair of jeans that hugged her in all the right places. “My name is Dr. Ellinor Sullivan and my husband has asked me to help you out.” Making her way to me, she reached her hand out to shake mine in greeting.