Staring at her outstretched hand, “I don’t think I’m going to be needing your help.” I could hear Paige’s gasp and knew that I was not going to hear the end of this from her once we left.
“Excuse me?” Dr. Ellinor asked as she looked between her husband and me.
Standing up and addressing his wife, “I think she is in a state of shock.”
“You think?” Paige asked with the sarcasm that I had grown to know and love. “You tell her that she has advanced cancer and don’t even give her time to process the information before introducing her to your wife!” I could see my pixie of a best friend about to lose her temper and I knew that I had to do something to diffuse the situation.
Taking a deep breath and looking around the room, “Dr Sullivan, how much time do I have left?”
Looking at me with sorrow in her eyes, “From the lab results and the progression of the disease, I would say about six months.”
Squaring my shoulders, “Do you honestly think that any treatment would give me more time?” I asked. I needed confirmation of what I already knew in my heart.
“I don’t know,” Dr. Sullivan admitted as she looked at me. “I can’t make any promises, Autumn. Each case is different. I do know that you have a very advanced case. If you would have had a diagnosis sooner, we would have a lot more options for treatment.”
Turning to look at Paige, I squeezed her hand and gave her a smile. “I love you so much. You are my best friend. I know that you’re scared and angry right now. I am too.” Wiping the tears that had started falling from my eyes, I looked around the room before taking a deep breath. “I don’t want to spend whatever time that I have left fighting a losing battle.”
“Autumn, I know that this is a lot to take in right now,” Dr. Sullivan’s smooth voice interrupted me. “I also know that you are scared of the unknown, but you don’t have to be. Please let Ellinor help you.”
“Please!” Paige sobbed as her body shook.
“Listen to your friend,” Dr. Ellinor Sullivan said calmly. Sitting down in the stool at the foot of the exam table, she placed a gentle hand on my leg. “I know that this is a lot to process. I also know that you are in a lot of pain right now and probably not thinking clearly. I can give you something for the pain and then we can talk tomorrow about your options.” Scribbling on the pad of paper that was in my file, she ripped off a piece of paper and extended it to me.
“Thank you so much for this,” I said as I took the offered piece of paper. Smiling at both Dr. Sullivans, “I really appreciate all that you have done for me.” Swinging my legs off the table, “I know that I don’t want to waste what time I have left hoping for a miracle that isn’t coming.”
“I don’t understand,” Paige said as she backed up to give me room to get down off the exam table. “What are you saying?”
“I think she is choosing life,” Dr. Sullivan said with a smile as she wiped a tear from her eye. “I wish you would let me help you more, but I respect your decision. Call the office if the pain gets worse and you need a higher dose of the pain meds.”
“How many refills do I have?” I asked, hoping that I had enough to last me for a while.
“A lifetime’s worth,” Dr. Sullivan said with a smile. I watched as her husband moved behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder. Her free hand raised and grabbed his and a sad smile spread across her face as she looked at me. “Autumn, I am so sorry that I’m not able to do more for you. My husband has had nothing but amazing things to say about you.”
“You really are a special young lady,” Dr. Sullivan admitted as he stood with his wife and looked at me.
Turning to look at Paige, “I’m ready to go home now.” Grabbing my pocketbook and jacket, I waited for my best friend to take me home.
“That’s it? You’re just going to tell her that she has advanced cancer, give her a prescription, and then just let her leave?” Paige’s face had turned a bright red and the tone of her voice was one that I had never heard before. I was not looking forward to the tongue lashing that I knew was coming from her. She had every right to be scared and angry, but this was my life and my decision. I knew what was best for me and spending what little time that I had left fighting an unwinnable battle was not how I wanted to spend what time I had left.
“It’s her decision,” Dr. Sullivan said quietly as he held onto his wife.
Turning to look at me, “Please don’t just give up like this! I need you to fight this,” Paige pleaded.
“I don’t want to spend what time I have left fighting. I want to spend it living.”
Letting go of his wife’s hand and taking a step toward me, “I hope you live the rest of your life to the fullest,” Dr. Sullivan said with a smile.
“I plan on it.” Turning back to Paige, “I’m ready to go home now.”
Chapter Four
“Wake up sleepy head,” Paige said gently as she shook me awake. “What’s the plan for today?”
Opening my eyes and sitting up slowly, I looked around the still dark room. “What time is it?” I asked with a sleep filled voice. The darkness was kind to my still tired eyes, but I wanted to make sure that I didn’t sleep too much of my precious time away.
“It’s five-thirty in the morning,” Paige cheerfully informed me. “What do you want to do today?”
“Go back to sleep,” I growled as I laid back down and pulled my comforter over my head.
Bouncing on my bed, “We have a lot to do and apparently not a lot of time to do it.” Pulling the comforter off my head and letting it fall to the floor, Paige dropped a notebook next to my head.
“What is this?” I asked, giving in to the fact that I was not going back to sleep any time soon.
“You don’t remember this?” Paige asked as she laid down in the bed with me.
Looking at my best friend in the darkness, “Not at all. You gonna give me a hint?” Sitting up on my bed, I listened to the sound of Paige’s breathing as I waited for her to tell me about this notebook that was lying next to me.
“Autumn, I am so surprised that you don’t remember this,” Paige gasped as she picked up the notebook.
Reaching around her body, I turned on the light that was stationed on my nightstand and quickly shut my eyes as the light hit them. Taking a second to recover from the blinding assault to my vision, I slowly opened my eyes back up and stared at the goofy grin on my best friend’s face. “You gonna help me out a little?”
Sitting up and tossing the notebook into my lap, “Open it!” The smile that grew on Paige’s face was contagious and I couldn’t help but smile back at her.
Flipping open the cover of the old notebook, I couldn’t contain the gasp that escaped my throat when my eyes landed on the familiar handwriting on the white page. “Where did you find this?” I whispered as I continued flipping through the now familiar pages.
“I always had it,” Paige giggled as she sat up on my bed and watched as I flipped through the pages that were filled with all my hopes and dreams for the future.
“How old were we when we made all these plans?” I asked as my mind started to take a trip down memory lane. I could now see Paige’s childhood bedroom with its pale purple walls and plush cream-colored carpet. Her white canopy bed was in the corner directly across from the matching desk. Her desk was covered in stickers and there was a New Edition poster taped to the wall from the concert that we went to together. On the other side of the room was the window, right above the built-in seat, with the sheer purple curtains that had pale pink and yellow butterfly embellishments all over them. Paige always kept her window open so that the curtains would blow in the wind, no matter how cold it was.