“We had to be around nine or ten,” Paige said as she interrupted my memory. Looking over at me with a look of concern etched in her face, “Where’d you go just now?”
“Back to a time when everything was so much better,” I admitted as I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up. Turning my back to Paige, I hugged the old notebook to my chest and let my eyes fall closed again.
*****
“Girls! Dinner will be ready in about twenty minutes!” Paige’s mother called up to us from the kitchen. The smell of her fried chicken was heavenly, and I was so thankful that I had decided to come home with Paige after school today.
“Okay!” we both cried out in unison as we looked at each other and broke out in giggles. Falling back onto Paige’s bed, we looked at each other and broke out in a fresh of giggles. Finally pulling herself together, Paige sat up and reached onto the floor. Coming back up with two notebooks in her hands, she tossed one over to me.
“What is this for?” I asked as I sat up and looked at the notebook that was laying next to me.
“So I was reading this article in one of my mom’s magazines and it said that we should make a list of all the things we want to accomplish before we turn twenty-five, thirty-five, and fifty.” Paige explained as she leaned over and grabbed two pens off of her nightstand.
“I don’t know what I want to do tomorrow,” I said with a frown. Paige was always trying to get me to think about what I wanted to do with my life. She had hers already planned out. She knew that she wanted to go to a local college and stay close to home after she graduated. Me on the other hand had no idea of what I wanted to do in the future. I had plenty of time to figure it out.
“This is so stupid,” I said as I pushed the notebook back over to Paige.
“Autumn, we have to do this together,” Paige whined as she pushed the notebook back over to me. If I didn’t love her mother’s fried chicken, I would grab my backpack, head over to my empty house, and make myself whatever was in the fridge.
“Fine!” Grabbing the notebook off the bed and the pen that Paige was offering me, I made my way over to Paige’s desk. I did my best thinking in the wooden chair with the purple seat cushion that her mother made her. I wish I had a mother that was crafty and made me pretty things. Opening up the notebook, I looked at the blank page that was staring up at me and closed my eyes as I tried to figure out all the things that I wanted to do with my life.
*****
“Earth to Autumn!” Paige called out with a concerned voice.
“I’m fine,” I sassed as I turned around to look at Paige. She looked so much like her mother; I couldn’t help but smile. I missed Miss Cyndi and the love that she showered down on me when I needed it the most. Looking down at the notebook that I was still hugging to my chest, “I know what I want to do first!”
“What?” Paige asked, standing up from my bed, turning her back to me, and opening up my curtains.
“I am dropping out of school and going on a trip.”
“What?” Paige yelled out as she turned back around to face me.
Taking a deep breath and smiling, “I am going to go pick some apples.” Turning around and grabbing my towel from the back of my chair, I left Paige standing in my room with her mouth hanging open in shock. As I made my way out of my room and down the hall to the bathroom with my childhood notebook, I couldn’t help but notice the new feeling of peace that had settled in my belly. I didn’t feel the normal pain that had been plaguing me for as long as I can remember. I felt free and ready to live the rest of my life to the fullest, no matter how little I had left.
Chapter Five
“Pick apples?” I heard Paige mumbling from the other side of the bathroom door. I knew that she was struggling with my decision and I wished that she would just be okay with the way that I wanted to spend the time that I had left.
Opening up the bathroom door and stepping into the chilly hallway, I wrapped the towel I was wearing tightly around my still wet body. “Yes, I’m going to go pick some apples and watch the leaves change color.” Stepping past an open-mouthed Paige, I made my way back to my bedroom, closing the door behind me.
Bursting through the door and bringing a rush of cold air with her, Paige stood in the middle of my room with her arms crossed over her ample chest. Looking at me as if I had two heads sprouting out of my neck, I had a sudden urge to jump up and wrap her up in a hug. Sighing deeply, “I don’t understand why I can’t come with you…”
“I need to do this by myself,” I interrupted her, hoping that she understood why I needed to do this alone. Looking past Paige to the open door, “This isn’t about you. It’s about me and how I want to spend the time that I have left.”
“You are being so selfish, Autumn!” Paige raged. I had never seen her like this and hoped that I never did again in our short time left together. The tears that started streaming down her face made my heart break and my own tears fall, but I knew that I had to stay strong and do this the way that I had quickly planned.
“I need to do this for me. Please don’t fight me on it,” I asked quietly as a chill ran through my already cold body causing me to start shivering.
Losing her anger as she made her way to my side, Paige quickly grabbed my blanket off the bed and wrapped it around my trembling shoulders. Sitting down next to me and wiping my tears, she just looked at me. “What am I going to do without you?”
Taking a deep breath, “You’re going to live your life. You’re going to meet a great man and fall in love. You’re going to have two little girls and name one after me. Most importantly, you are going to keep my memory alive.”
Pausing to catch my breath, I looked past Paige and focused on a picture of the two of us hanging on my dresser mirror. The picture was from my twelfth birthday and we were wearing matching outfits. Her mom had gotten us the white sweatshirts with the rainbows across the chest, faded denim jeans, rainbow scrunchy socks, purple high-top sneakers, and matching purple headbands. I closed my eyes and wished that we could go back. Back to a time when I was healthy and didn’t know what cancer really was. Back to when life was simple, and the hardest thing was getting our moms to allow us to stay out past nine p.m. on a Friday night. Shaking my head and the crazy thoughts from my head, I refocused on Paige. She was staring at me again and I knew that she was scared. She was scared for me, but she was also scared of me. She was scared of me leaving her, never coming back., and breaking her heart even more than it had already been broken.
“We need to talk this out more…” Paige started with a quivering voice.
Holding up my trembling hand to quiet her, “There is nothing more to talk about. I know how much this is killing you, but I need you to trust that I am doing what is best for me.” I really did know what I was doing. My plan may have come together quickly, but it felt right. I knew deep down in my heart that it was the right way for me to spend the rest of my days.
“Let me call someone for you,” Paige pleaded. I could hear the desperation in her voice and knew what she was planning.
“I will never forgive you if you call your mother and two of you gang up against me. You know how much I love her, and I can’t believe that you would use her against me. You’re not playing fair.”