Zane nodded. Cruz released him and stuck out his hand. Zane shook it. “Nobody else would I give to Meredith,” Zane said solemnly. “You a good guy, always been a good guy. You worthy of Meredith.”
“Thank you, Zane,” Cruz murmured as he felt himself choke up.
Zane nodded and glanced back at Meredith. “Sorry I scare you. I won’t do it again. You love my friend Cruz.” Then he walked off into the darkness.
Cruz watched him go and felt more emotion than he’d allowed himself to feel in years. Zane might not have been all there mentally, but his endorsement that Cruz was worthy of Meredith meant as much to him as anything he’d heard. Some people said Zane was slow, but Cruz thought he saw things on a spiritual level that most missed. This was finally his chance. Cruz could be with Meredith like they’d both just claimed to Zane.
He turned to her, praying they could talk things through, praying he could express things correctly. It was far past want with Meredith. He needed her. He loved her. It was time to beg her to be with him.
Meredith studied Cruz as Zane disappeared. It was a huge relief that Zane was the person who’d been creeping around her house. She couldn’t believe she’d admitted to Cruz that she loved him. Had he only asked because he wanted to keep Zane from stalking around her house at night, or was there a deeper motivation? He hadn’t said he’d loved her, only told Zane they were together now.
Something in Cruz’s face had lit up when Zane had said he was a good man. It touched her heart. He was a good man. Cruz turned to her, and she saw his jaw was working and his blue eyes were suspiciously bright.
“What?” Meredith stepped closer to him. “What is it, Cruz?”
He shook his head. “You’ll think I’m … crazy.”
“No, I won’t. What is it?”
He stared off into the night and admitted, “Zane saying I’m worthy of you. That meant a lot.”
Her own eyes widened. What was he talking about? Of course he was worthy of her. “Zane thinks highly of you,” she said cautiously.
“He’s a good guy.” Cruz stared at her and finally said, “But I’ve never felt worthy of you.”
She faltered back a step. “Why? I’m so confused. You’re a superstar and always have been. You were the hero of the school when we were kids, everybody’s friend, talented, confident, amazing. How could you not feel worthy of me?”
Cruz gestured to her. “Because you’re Meredith Francis. You’ve always been out of my league.”
She shook her head. “You said you’d never lie to me, Cruz.”
“I’m not lying now. You’re spiritual, kind, smart, talented, beautiful. You’re the preacher’s daughter for crying out loud. Look who I’m the son of. Look what I was raised to be.” His eyes shuttered, his jaw worked, and he looked away. “Wow. Sorry. I don’t want to talk about … Forget it. This is awkward. I’m sorry I said anything.”
Long moments passed as she wasn’t sure what had upset him. Something with his mom again? Did she dare ask?
He nodded toward the house, his arms clapped tightly across his chest. “You should go in.”
Meredith wanted to demand he talk to her, but from all appearances he’d shut down again. What did he want from her? He’d basically tricked her into admitting she loved him, but he wasn’t doing anything of the kind. He was bragging her up and tearing himself down, but was that just an excuse to not be together? He’d brought up something about his parents then immediately regretted saying anything and thought things were awkward because of it.
She bit at her bottom lip, wondering how to broach the subject of whatever had happened between him and his mom that seemed to still be affecting him.
“I’m glad it was just Zane creeping around,” he said.
She nodded. Now he was changing the subject? Were they ever going to talk things out? If he wouldn’t take that big step and cross the chasm between them, he must have his own reasons.
“Let’s get some rest.” He gave her a very forced smile.
“You should go sleep at your dad’s house. Sleep in a comfortable bed,” she said miserably. She didn’t want him to go, but it was totally selfish to have him sleeping outside in a camp bed for no reason.
He nodded and pushed at his hair. “That’d be nice.”
Nice. Of course, it would. He deserved to get a good night’s sleep.
“Do you feel safe now? Knowing it was just Zane?”
“Yeah. I’m good. I’m great.” She hugged herself for warmth, finally noticing the chilly night. Or was it the chill between the two of them? Would it ever be their time? Did Cruz even want it to be? He’d sure kissed her like he did. Frustration rushed through her. He’d kissed her and wrought emotion and passion from her that no one ever had. He’d gotten her to admit that she loved him. Now it was “awkward,” and he’d shut down emotionally for some reason. He was obviously ready to get out of here.
She turned and hurried for her porch. Glancing back, she wished she could see his eyes, but he was in the shadow as the porch light beamed down on her. “Thanks so much, Cruz. Goodnight.” With nothing left to say, she banged in through her door, checked the deadbolts on all the doors, and rushed to her bed. She doubted she’d sleep, but what did it matter? Without Cruz in her life, suddenly everything seemed bleak and unexciting. She’d known unequaled excitement in his arms, but he obviously wasn’t ready to say he loved her back, and he was leaving soon. All her girlish fantasies weren’t going to keep him here.
Chapter Eleven
Cruz found the old key under the mat and snuck into his dad’s house. He slept in his old room and slept in late. Luckily, Cat was gone to work, and his dad was out fishing. They had probably both seen his truck in the driveway this morning but hadn’t bothered him.
He made himself some eggs and toast and then packed up a day bag. It was a good day to go explore the mountains, maybe get lost, maybe never return. He almost smiled at his despondency, but without Meredith in his life, it seemed as if there was no light or happiness in his future. That was dumb. Soon he’d be back at work, doing his tricks, and training children and teenagers to do tricks. He loved being around little kids and teenagers. They looked up at him with hero worship, and he enjoyed hooting and hollering for them when they worked through the difficulty of improving and had success.
He got everything together, strapped on some hiking shoes, and took off up the trails. Meredith, Meredith, Meredith was all that ran through his mind. Things had imploded again last night. It was all on him, of course. As soon as he’d thought about who he’d been raised by, all the pitiful thoughts of him being a loser surfaced. It was as if his mom was right in his face screaming at him. Luckily she was only in his head but all he’d wanted to do was run. In his mind if he gave up on what he truly wanted maybe his mom would stop belittling him internally.
Would Meredith have talked to him about his unworthiness and kissed him again if he hadn’t crawled into his hole and shut down emotionally the moment he mentioned his parentage and his mom’s demeaning words had assaulted him? He’d never know because he’d acted like a total wimp and let that voice get the best of him.