He stormed through lush greenery, not even seeing the beauty. It ticked him off that he was a grown man, yet his insecurities from childhood still weren’t resolved. Most of the time he was as confident and happy as he portrayed but it was always at the worst moments that it all washed over him again and threatened to ruin everything he’d worked so hard for.
Was he messing up a chance at heaven with Meredith because of his issues? Maybe. Probably. At times, she seemed reluctant to chat everything out, especially when he’d asked about her Googling him, but she didn’t have insecurities or issues. She was perfect. She’d said that she loved him, but did she? She was obviously trying to keep Zane from being so obsessed with her, and Cruz had all but conned her into saying it.
He groaned and kicked at a branch. He was so sick of thinking the words “not worthy,” but they were the only ones that seemed to fit regarding him and Meredith. For years he’d assumed he’d end up alone like his dad. It had hurt to think of never being with Meredith, but how could he subject her to a head case like him? It was better to get back to work and succeed with his career. He’d bury himself with work and pray desperately to put Meredith and the tiny piece of heaven he’d had last night with her in his arms out of his mind.
He wandered the mountains for hours, and then he went back to his dad’s to shower and scrounge up some leftovers. It was late afternoon, and his dad and Cat were still both gone. He was constantly surrounded by a crowd, and he didn’t like this quiet and being alone. It left him far too much time to think.
Walking out back, he began to pace the backyard while staring at the lake. He wanted to be open with Meredith and lay out his heart, but he sadly lacked the confidence in himself and in their tenuous relationship. If he was being premature about it and she wasn’t ready for his professions of love, he might not get another chance.
He suddenly realized he hadn’t had a proper moment with Grams since he got home and he’d promised her he’d come by. Grams. She was exactly who he needed when he was feeling this despondency. In Grams’ eyes he was more than enough.
He walked up the trail the half mile to Grams’ house and climbed the steps to her porch. Without bothering to knock, he pushed the door open and called, “Hello?”
He walked through the house, but it was empty and quiet. Even Grams wasn’t around or available for him. A deep feeling of despair wrapped around him like a familiar, scratchy, too-hot blanket on a hundred-degree day with humidity.
He shook it off and put a smile on his face, even though there was nobody around to see it. Maybe he should just leave the valley. The awful memories of his mom always surfaced when he was here. He had any number of friends he could call to go on an adventure with him. It’d be fun to do rock climbing, mountain biking, or anything outdoors without camera crews or fans for a day or two. Yet his fans energized him, and he loved the confidence boost they gave him. He’d taken a break to be with family, but he didn’t know that he could handle being in the same valley as Meredith and not declaring his undying love.
“Hey, you!” Grams’ face was suddenly poked against the screen of an open window. “Come out here and chat with your old Grams. It’s a beautiful day.”
Cruz chuckled. “Hi, Grams.” He hurried out a side door to where she stood on the wraparound porch that overlooked the lake on this side of the house. She had a wide grin and open arms for him. He held her close for a while, surprised at how small and fragile she seemed. Grams had been his rock. Her house was his escape from his mom. He’d never told anyone about how his mom’s belittlement had crippled him emotionally, but Grams and his dad seemed to know, and Cat could relate.
“Sit on down and chat with me.” She gestured to some plush patio chairs.
Cruz sat and leaned back, his eyes swinging to the glorious view of the lake, forest, and mountains beyond. “I love this view.”
“Me too, my boy, me too. Now tell me all about you.”
Cruz may have been a show-off as far as stunts and tricks went, but he really didn’t like talking about himself. “Not much new to tell, Grams. Work’s going great. I’m my own brand name, and I have a great crew. I’m socking away a lot of money, so when my body gives out, I can do something different with my time.”
She looked him over and pumped her eyebrows. “I don’t think the body is giving out anytime soon. I’m right proud of you, but work isn’t what I want you to share.”
What did she know? Her and Cat were close. Too close. Maybe she’d told Grams about him and Meredith. His chest warmed as he thought of his dark-eyed beauty. “Iris still living here?” he asked instead.
“Don’t give me any deflection. Yes, she is. Expecting Devon will propose sometime soon. They’re in la-la love land just like our Cat and that handsome Stetson right now. What I want to know is when you’re going to fall into la-la love land with our gorgeous Meredith?”
Cruz met her gaze. He wasn’t surprised that she knew. Her blue eyes were clear and perceptive. He stood and paced to the railing where he gazed out at the lake. Grams just waited.
He turned around and leaned against the railing, forcing himself to be strong and meet her eyes. “Here’s the thing, Grams. I’ve loved Meredith for a lot of years.”
“I know.”
He let out a gurgle of a laugh, shook his head, and pushed at his hair.
“When you getting that hair cut?”
He laughed more genuinely. “Lay off the hair, Grams.”
“I will if you tell me what’s holding you back from that sweetheart Meredith.”
He’d trapped himself that easily. He hated Grams nagging about his longish hair, but it was easier to take than admitting the truth. Stalking back to the chair, he sank down, clasped his hands, and stared at them. “I love her but … you’re going to hate this, so please don’t explode.”
“I’m not some drama-mama. That’s your mom’s role. Tell me what’s going on.”
He flinched at the mention of his mom, but he plunged on. Grams wouldn’t let him off the hook, and he needed to get this out. “Meredith’s incredible, and … I’m not good enough for her.”
Grams exploded. She half-lifted out of her chair and cussed him. “Of all the stupid, lame, inexcusable things to say. You not worthy of somebody? You’re the cream of the crop, the stud of studs, the coolest, most handsome, most amazing guy I know.”
“You’d say that to any of your grandsons,” he fired back.
“True, because it’s true of each of you. What would you say to Aster, Cedar, Quill, or Ren if they came to you with some baloney of not being worthy of a woman?”
“If it was Meredith, I’d say they were right.” The thought of any man, even his favorite cousins, with Meredith made his insides roll.
Grams settled down then and gave him a grin. “You adore her.”
“Yes.”
“What’s going on? Really? Does this all stem from your worthless, selfish, excuse for a mother?”
Cruz shouldn’t have been surprised that Grams got there quick. He was back to studying his hands and then the lake. Grams let him stew. She didn’t say a word as he forced himself to stay seated.