“Yeah, and neither will Sunny.”
His eyes softened. “Sunny has an amazing mom. I know you’ll make sure she doesn’t want for anything, least of all love and security.” He looked down at his shoes for a moment. Then his eyes met mine. “I’m sorry I’ve acted like an ass.”
Shaking my head, I said, “It’s okay, Deacon.”
“No, it’s not. I took the cowardly way out when I stopped coming around instead of addressing things with you. Sunny called me a dick tonight, and she’s right.”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “What?”
He shrugged. “I was trying to teach her to say Deacon. It came out ‘Deek’. Sounded like ‘Dick’.” He sighed. “Anyway...she’s right. I have been an absolute dick, Carys, and I’m so fucking sorry.”
“Maybe a little,” I agreed. “But deep down, I understand, Deacon. I take responsibility for what happened between us that night, too. I was…horny. We’d both had a little too much to drink and got carried away. And now you don’t know how to handle the tension. Because you don’t think we can be anything more than friends. You can’t ever…go there with me. I get it.”
He looked torn. “I feel like you think I’ve shied away because I don’t want you enough to accept your situation. That’s not it. I’ve been struggling with my feelings when it comes to you for a while—long before that night. This has nothing to do with not wanting you. It has everything to do with not being good for you long term, certainly not good enough for Sunny. I haven’t held onto a normal relationship since God knows when, and I’ve hurt people I cared about in the past. I don’t want to end up hurting you or Sunny down the line—especially Sunny.”
As much as I admired his honesty, it still hurt to hear him confirm what I already knew. There was no chance for us.
“I get it.” I sighed. Who was I to convince him to trust himself? I didn’t trust anyone.
Then he continued. “I pretended to make what happened on your birthday night mostly about you, but I wanted it more than you could ever know. And I wanted more than that, too. I just wouldn’t let myself take it. I don’t want to hurt you, Carys. You’re one of the best people I know and a good friend, and I crossed the line. But it’s too late. I can’t take it back. I know I ruined our friendship in the process, regardless of what you say.”
“You’re right,” I agreed. “You did kind of ruin our friendship as we knew it. Not because I’m mad at you or respect you less, but because I can’t stop thinking about what that night felt like or how jealous I was when I saw you with Kendra. I can’t control my feelings. As much as I don’t want things to be awkward between us, they are now.”
“Yeah. Don’t I know it.” He exhaled. “I don’t want to lose you as a friend. And I don’t want to hurt you. So tell me what I should do.”
There was only one way to handle it, short of one of us moving.
“I think we have to be adults about it. We need to accept that things might be a little awkward between us and let them be awkward. It’s either that or never see each other again. I’d personally rather know that I can go to you if I need you. If that means dealing with a bit of uncomfortable sexual tension, so be it. I want to have coffee with you and be able to talk about my day. I don’t want to lose you, Deacon. So I think that means we only have one choice. And that’s to suck it up.”
He stared into my eyes for a while. “I don’t want it to be the end of us, either. I really don’t. I value your friendship so much.”
“It’s settled, then. We just deal.”
His mouth curved into a smile. “You may be younger than me, but you’re a fuck of a lot more mature, you know that?”
“Well, I guess I’ve had to grow up fast.”
“Yeah. You have.”
I stood, prompting him to do the same. “Thank you again for tonight,” I said.
“Anytime, Carys.”
I closed the door behind him and knew it would be a long time before I fell asleep.
CHAPTER 16
Carys
BLINDSIDED
Six Months Later
A lot had changed over the past several months, and it was more than the weather transforming from frigid to hot in the city.
It was now July, and I had a fifteen-month-old who was attempting to walk, albeit unsuccessfully thus far. The months were flying by. It seemed like yesterday that she’d turned one. When Sunny had marked that milestone in April, I’d had a small party for her at the apartment with a few friends from our Mommy and Me class. Simone had been there, too, and, of course, Deacon. Charles, on the other hand, hadn’t been invited. He continued to call occasionally, and had apologized multiple times for coming by without permission earlier this year, but I still hadn’t warmed to the idea of having him around Sunny. However, I suspected one day I would.
My feelings for Deacon had been put to the test more than ever. Kendra was a thing of the past, but he’d begun dating someone new in May—Rachel. She had long, dark hair and big green eyes and worked behind the scenes for a modeling agency. She was gorgeous, and I hated her. He’d been open about her from the beginning, never tried to hide it, but it still sucked. The whole thing sucked. I wasn’t sure how serious they were, but his meeting her had been the final nail in the coffin of my heart.
If Deacon and I were going to be friends, I had to accept everything—as did he when I’d decided to put myself out there in the dating world last month. I’d informed Deacon that Sharon was coming over in the evening to watch Sunny while I went on my first official date in ages. That’d been an awkward conversation. I could’ve sworn Deacon seemed jealous. He’d wanted to know the guy’s name so he could do a background check.
Sean Colmes was the man I’d met online, and Deacon had dubbed him “P-Diddy” because he had the same name as the singer, only spelled differently. Anyway, the date didn’t amount to anything—he didn’t knock my socks off. I hadn’t been on a date since then, but it had felt good to return to the dating scene. Lord knows I needed the practice.
Deacon still brought me coffee almost daily. He didn’t talk much about Rachel, which I appreciated. On the outside, it seemed our friendship had survived the blip of my birthday night last January. So it was important that I not let on that my feelings for him had only grown. I wanted Deacon more than ever. Whenever Rachel was over at his apartment, I was a mess.
A mess.
I’d thought my complicated feelings were my biggest problem when it came to him. That is, until one afternoon when he stopped by with his usual coffees. The unusually somber look on his face told me something was up.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“You could tell, huh?”
“Yeah. I know your face pretty well. The smile’s not here today. Did something happen? Is everything okay with your family?”
“It’s nothing like that. Everyone is okay.” He handed me my coffee. “Let me say hi to Sunny Side Up first. Then we’ll talk.”