“Yeah?”
“Sunny just walked! She walked several steps toward me.”
Her voice echoed. “Are you kidding?”
“No! I wish I’d gotten it on camera, but it happened too fast.”
I heard the shower turn off.
A few minutes later, Carys emerged, wrapped in a towel, her hair drenched.
“I can’t believe I missed it. I’ve been trying to get her to walk to me for weeks with no luck. She’s come close, but it never happened.”
“I know. That’s why I feel so damn guilty. I didn’t even do anything. She just…did.”
Carys’ skin was flushed, probably from the hot water. She shook her head. “She loves you, Deacon. You just have to exist, and that’s enough to motivate her.”
I swallowed, unsure how to respond. I didn’t want Sunny to love me. I sometimes wished she’d forget me the second I left, so she wouldn’t wonder where I was.
I looked at Sunny as she babbled, then turned to Carys. “Why do you think she loves me?”
“I guess she has an innate sense that there may be some good in you—something the rest of us might not see.” She winked. “Kidding.” Then she disappeared into the bedroom to get dressed.
After Carys came back out, we tried to get Sunny to walk again. But despite lots of encouragement, she wouldn’t repeat it. She made me seem like a damn liar.
* * *
Later, I leaned over the kitchen counter, watching Carys as she cooked dinner while Sunny played with her toys in the playpen. She’d prepared scrod with lemon and herbs, which was baking in the oven, and she was now chopping a salad.
Once again, I couldn’t take my eyes off her, unable to stop thinking about how some lucky bastard would come along in the not-so-distant future. This would be his life; he would be just as content as I was right now. The difference was, he wouldn’t hurt them like I inevitably would. I knew I wasn’t right for Carys, but that didn’t take away how I was feeling right now. The thought of leaving made me sick to my stomach.
I’m fucking crazy about her.
I was about to ditch someone I cared about very much. I’d been pretending, when the truth was I ate, slept, and breathed Carys, probably from the first day we’d had coffee together. She just didn’t know it. And I was too much of a damn coward to admit my feelings. The past had proven that I couldn’t trust myself to keep them safe. They would eventually get hurt. And I’d be damned if I was going to let that happen.
CHAPTER 18
Carys
TELL ME TO STAY
The weekend after our getaway, I forced myself to get dressed up, despite feeling like the world was about to end. It was the night I’d been dreading. Deacon’s friend Adrian was throwing him a going-away party at a restaurant downtown. Sharon, who loved Deacon ever since he’d come to her rescue with the Bee Gees, had no problem coming to watch Sunny on a Saturday night so I could attend.
It wasn’t often that I got dolled up and left the house these days, so I went all out, putting on a sexy, hot pink dress and sparkly heels I knew my feet would regret later. I used my new hair iron—another late-night impulse buy—to create large waves. It seemed kind of silly trying to impress Deacon’s friends when he was leaving in two days, but in all honesty, I knew it was Deacon I wanted to impress. Which was ridiculous. Did I think he would take one look at me and magically decide not to move, turning down a position that paid double? Yeah, that made a lot of sense.
Before I left, Sharon said, “Carys, if for any reason you want to spend the whole night out, I can crash on the couch. My husband won’t mind parting with me for one night, and I won’t mind a break from his snoring.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I don’t have any plans to be out all night. I have to come back at some point to sleep.”
A slight look of amusement crossed her face. “Well, I was thinking maybe you and Deacon might want to be…alone.”
I felt the need to clarify. “You know he and I aren’t together, right?”
“Oh, I know… I just…can tell there’s something there and can imagine how hard his leaving must be. Thought maybe you’d want to say a proper goodbye. You know…” She winked.
Is she serious? My cheeks heated. “That’s not going to be happening.”
She nodded. “Okay. I just wanted to put it out there that I can stay the night. Didn’t want you to be uncomfortable asking me.”
“Thank you, but that won’t be necessary.” When she kept looking at me, I felt the need to continue. “I mean, it’s not that I wouldn’t have wanted that with him. Deep down, I have…wanted that. It just didn’t work out, and now of course he’s leaving.” And that’s a little too much to be divulging to my babysitter.
“Well, something tells me he’s going to take one look at you in that dress tonight and lose his mind.”
I smiled. She was giving me a false hope I didn’t need right now. On that note, I kissed Sunny goodbye and made my way out.
Mrs. Winsbanger opened her door just as I headed down the hall. That was a rarity. She never opened the door, only spied. She wore a floral house dress and fur hat. I don’t know if she constantly had a head cold or what, but the fur cap was apparently part of her standard attire. It certainly didn’t make sense for the middle of summer. She was probably in her mid-seventies and couldn’t have been more than four-foot-five.
I looked down at her. “Oh hey, Mrs. Winsbanger.”
She lifted her chin. “I hear Fuckboy is moving.”
“Yeah. I’m actually going to his goodbye party.”
“Haven’t heard a peep from him in a long time. Not since the day you yelled at him.”
Come to think of it, she was right. No vocal action had come from Deacon’s bedroom since that day I’d announced I could hear him through the wall. I knew he’d had sex since then, but he must have chosen to do it away from home. Either that, or he’d taped someone’s mouth shut. I cringed.
“He’s actually become a very good friend since then, Mrs. Winsbanger. And I’m sad to see him go.”
“Watching him go is my favorite—nice ass.” She winked and abruptly shut her door.
Hornball. She’s worse than me!
* * *
Deacon’s friends and co-workers had gathered in a private room Adrian rented out at the back of a restaurant downtown. It was a mix of well-dressed late-twenty-somethings, laughing and drinking. There were a fair number of attractive women, and I wondered how many of them had been with Deacon in ways I hadn’t.
I spotted Deacon in the corner, talking to a couple of guys. He looked so painstakingly handsome, wearing a Polo shirt that clung to his contoured chest. His thick hair was parted a bit more than usual off his face. He was taller than most of the men in the room and stood out in the crowd. I was sure most of the women here wanted to climb him like a tree—myself included.
He hadn’t noticed me yet. I waited in one spot for a bit, observing his interactions with his friends. He sipped some amber-colored liquor and seemed a little off—his smile forced as he made conversation. I wondered if the impending departure had him on edge. He looked around mid-conversation, as if searching for something. Or someone. Is it me? When his eyes found mine, he smiled wide and immediately excused himself to walk over. Maybe it was me he’d been looking for.