“He still has his apartment next door?”
“Apparently. I haven’t heard or seen anything to prove otherwise.”
She shook her head. “I’m so sorry this happened.”
I shrugged. “Better now than five years down the line when I was even more invested.”
I was trying to come off as strong, but I felt far from it. Most nights I cried myself to sleep, praying I’d wake up to find this was a dream, with Deacon’s warm body next to me. The safety I’d felt with him seemed a distant memory now. Even though he’d broken my heart, I missed him. Even more than as a lover, I missed him as a friend.
“What if he comes to his senses, returns, and begs your forgiveness?” Simone asked.
Deep down, I knew his leaving wasn’t only about me and Sunny. He had his own issues, and somehow the accident had put him in a bad place—a dark place he’d been before. While I understood that, I couldn’t get past my own hurt to fathom forgiving him. And even if I could forgive him, trust would be the bigger issue.
I squeezed my eyes shut. “It’s over. Even if he came back, I can’t trust someone who left me once not to do it again. It’s not only me I have to worry about. It’s Sunny, too. I’m better off not getting involved with anyone at this point. It’s too much of a risk. Deacon was my one shot, and it failed miserably. I won’t put my heart on the line like that again.”
A distraught look crossed Simone’s face. “That’s so sad. I feel like when the wound of this has healed, you’ll come around. It’ll take a while, but never give up hope, Carys. You’re still so young.”
Would I be able to love again? It sure as hell didn’t feel that way right now.
I rubbed my temples. “I don’t know, Simone. I really don’t.”
* * *
After Simone left, I went to get Sunny up from her nap. As I changed her diaper, she said something that threw me for a loop.
“Deek.”
My heart shattered. Was it my imagination? She hadn’t said “Deek” since he’d left. Was she only now realizing he was gone for good? Or was the sound she made just a coincidence?
Regardless of the answer, I felt compelled to say, “Deacon is gone, honey. I’m so sorry.”
I might have been reminding myself more than anything. I could only hope Sunny would begin to forget him. That was the only consolation—that she was too young to remember any of this.
* * *
Later that night, I’d just settled in on the couch to watch some TV when my phone rang. Not many people called at this hour. The noise caused me to jump, thinking it might have been Deacon.
It wasn’t.
Rather than say hello, I answered, “What do you want, Charles?”
Although I’d resigned myself to letting him come around at some point, I’d been in no place to try something new since Deacon left. So every time Charles called, I still gave him some version of the same answer: I wasn’t ready for him to see Sunny.
“I told you I wasn’t going to give up. I’ll keep calling until I get the answer I need. I would like to see my daughter.”
I wasn’t in the mood for this. “You don’t have a right to see her, so I don’t have to abide by any special timeline to give you an answer. If I let you see her, it would be out of the goodness of my heart.”
“Alright. Understood. But I can’t give up, Carys. I won’t. I made a huge mistake in how I handled things after she was born.” He expelled a long breath into the phone, sounding defeated. “And I’m sorry again that I tried to see her without your permission. As I’ve told you, it won’t happen again.”
I needed to stop prolonging the inevitable. Maybe I was feeling too weak to fight anymore, but I conceded. “You want to see her?”
“Yes,” he answered immediately.
“Come tomorrow afternoon at one.”
Charles let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Carys. Thank you.”
* * *
The next day, Charles stood at the door, holding a teddy bear bigger than Sunny.
I stepped aside. “Come in.”
He looked me up and down. “You look beautiful.”
That was comical considering I’d done nothing to make myself up. In fact, I’d intentionally dressed in jeans and a T-shirt for this.
His eyes searched the room. “Where’s Sunny?”
“She’s napping. I have to get her up. I typically don’t wake her until there’s a reason.”
When I’d told him to come at one, I hadn’t thought about the fact that Sunny might be napping. But I’d opted to keep the time anyway because I wanted to get the visit over with.
“Can I go in there with you when you wake her?”
I shrugged. “Sure.”
We made small talk in the living room for as long as I could stand before I decided to wake Sunny up early, against my better judgment.
Charles followed me into her room.
I lifted Sunny out of the crib. It took her several seconds to blink her eyes fully open. When she noticed Charles standing there, she had no reaction.
“Hi, beautiful girl,” he said, seeming in awe of her.
Sunny continued to look at him with ambivalence. Maybe she could sense the tension.
“I’m Charles,” he said. “And I’m so very sorry I haven’t come by to see you sooner. More than you can ever imagine.” He seemed a little choked up.
Was it genuine? Probably. Although it was still too little too late for me to forget everything he’d done—or hadn’t done—up until this point. I wouldn’t forget, but I would work on forgiving. I did believe he cared for her, despite everything. And I did believe he regretted how he’d handled things.
Charles followed us back out to the living room. We sat in silence as he watched Sunny play with her toys on the floor, which now included the giant, stuffed bear he’d brought.
“I asked you something once before and you dismissed it. So I’ll ask again. Who was that man here with Sunny the night of the gala?” he asked suddenly.
My chest tightened. “I still don’t believe that’s any of your business.”
“I know it’s not. I’m just curious.”
“He was an ex-boyfriend,” I admitted.
“Ex? What happened?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Charles nodded, not pushing the issue. We resumed watching Sunny together in silence. She babbled and squealed as she tried to communicate with the giant bear.
He rubbed his hands together and turned to me. “What can I do to make things better between us? I know I’ve lost all chance of ever having you as a lover again. But goddamnit, Carys, I need to rectify the mistakes I’ve made. I want to get to the point where we can be civil, friends, even. I know that may be a long shot, but a man can dream.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
He looked up at the ceiling and sighed. “Carys, when we met, I was so smitten with you. I’m not sure if you realize how badly I had it back then. I admired your beauty and elegance long before you were ever injured and working with me. My attraction to you was something I had to keep secret because I was a married man. Then when Violet and I separated, that gave me a window to finally pursue you. I never felt like I deserved you. But I loved you. I truly did—still do. There was only one thing I loved more—my children. More and more, I saw how difficult the impending divorce was on them. I started to reconsider whether I was making the right decision in leaving my family. I convinced myself getting back together with Violet was the right idea when it wasn’t. I chickened out when it came to putting my needs above others. At that time, of course, I didn’t know you were pregnant. By the time I did find out, I’d already made the decision to try to save my family. And then she started threatening me. I—”