Despite my nerves, my body came alive with an awareness it hadn’t felt in too damn long, because holy shit I’d nearly forgotten how beautiful she was. Only now, her eyes emanated pain and confusion instead of happiness as she looked at me. And I deserved every bit of it. I never wanted to leave her again, and knew I wouldn’t—willingly, at least; I just had no clue how to convince her of that.
We stood in silence for the longest time, staring at each other until I finally mustered the courage to say, “Hello.”
“Hi,” she whispered.
I cleared my throat. “Can I come in?”
She nodded and moved out of the way.
Now we were back to staring at each other, only from a different spot.
“You look beautiful.”
She didn’t say anything, and that was all the hint I needed to understand how difficult this exchange was going to be.
Carys wore a fitted black turtleneck. Something told me she’d selected that particular shirt—one that covered her neck as protectively as armor—for the visit she likely knew I’d pay her today.
Sunny was playing on the floor. Oh my God. Sunny. I had to do a double-take. She’d gotten so much bigger. Her blond hair had grown and was tied up in a little wispy ponytail. When she finally looked up and saw me, she made brief eye contact and looked back down at her toys, as if I were a stranger.
My chest felt tight.
Did she not remember me? It had only been four months. Depending on how you looked at it, that could be a short time or a lifetime. I bet in almost-toddler years it was more the latter.
I walked over and knelt down. “Hey, Sunny. I missed you.”
She looked up, handed me one of her toys, and babbled, but she didn’t seem as excited as I’d hoped. I couldn’t blame her, but it still hurt not to be greeted by that infectious smile I loved so much.
I put two little plastic people inside the toy car she’d given me, then wheeled it toward her.
When I turned around to face Carys, she had her arms crossed over her chest. If she could have covered her entire head with that turtleneck, she might have considered it.
I had my work cut out for me and could only pray I wasn’t too late. Standing, I walked over to her. “I came by last night. You weren’t here.”
“I know.”
“I figured Sharon told you.”
“She did.”
I couldn’t fucking help myself. “You were out with someone?”
“Yes. I was on a date.”
Dread filled me as adrenaline pumped through my veins. “With Charles?”
Her eyes narrowed. “Charles? No. Why would you think that?”
“Adrian told me he saw you together a while back, so I thought maybe…”
“No. I’ve been lonely, but not desperate. Although Charles has been making an effort to get to know Sunny for some time now.”
“Are you good with that? He didn’t force his way—”
“It’s been fine. It’s been my choice.”
I nodded, looking down at my feet. “So you’re seeing someone…”
She hesitated before answering. “It was a first date. He was really nice, but once Sharon texted me that you were back, I found it hard to focus.”
Relief washed over me. I’d been about to apologize for ruining her night, but fuck that. I was thrilled I’d intercepted it. Now that she was standing right in front of me, I couldn’t imagine how I’d ever let her go in the first place, couldn’t fathom the idea of this woman I cared so deeply about in someone else’s arms.
Her tone turned colder. “Why did you come back?”
Taking a deep breath in, I said, “Because it was time. I have a lot I need to explain, but I can’t blame you if you’re not ready to hear it.”
“Just yesterday I thought I’d never see you again, so forgive me if I don’t really know what to make of this, Deacon.”
“I know I have no right to your immediate attention. You’re in the driver’s seat, Carys. If you’re not in the mood to do this now, just let me know when we can talk. But we need to talk. Take all of the time you need to let the fact that I’m back set in. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere again.”
Her lip trembled. “And I’m supposed to believe that?”
“You don’t have to believe it. You don’t have to trust me, especially when I haven’t given you a reason to. But it’s the truth.”
When she started to cry, it nearly undid me. I wanted so badly to hold her. But I knew doing so would be crossing a line.
She wiped her eyes. “I need some time before we do this—before we talk.”
“I understand.”
I’d often imagined this moment, the day I came back. It hadn’t been as painful in my warped mind. Right now, I’d stepped into an alternate universe, one where instead of making Carys smile, I caused her pain. And one where Sunny didn’t recognize me. I was going to have to rebuild our relationship from the ground up—if Carys would even let me.
CHAPTER 28
Carys
JUST COFFEE
Despite saying he’d give me time to ready myself, Deacon texted me a few days later to ask if I would be willing to meet him during my lunch break on one of the days I worked in the office. I said yes. We needed to have the conversation away from Sunny.
I chose Friday, but instead of a lunch meet-up, I opted to have the sitter stay late so I could meet Deacon after work. I didn’t know how I’d feel after our talk, or how long the meeting would last, so I didn’t want to have to go back to the office.
Deacon was waiting in a corner seat at Starbucks when I arrived. It was my first time in here since before he’d left for Minnesota. He looked painfully handsome, dressed in all black. He fidgeted with his hands as his eyes wandered the room. His mouth curved into a hesitant smile when he spotted me. He stood.
When I approached, I could tell he wasn’t sure what to do, whether to hug me or not. He leaned in and gave me a peck on the cheek. My nipples stiffened as soon as his mouth touched my skin, reminding me how much control he had over my body. I couldn’t let my strong physical attraction to him overpower my judgment.
“Sorry I’m a few minutes late,” I said as I sat across from him.
“I’m sorry if I pushed things by asking for this meeting sooner rather than later. I just couldn’t wait any longer.”
“It’s probably better that you pushed it, because I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.”
He nodded. “I know.” He pointed toward the counter and stood. “Let me get your usual.”
My stomach growled as he walked to the register, not from hunger but from nerves.
He returned and handed me my drink. “Here you go. One pump, just how you like it.”
I looked down at his name in black marker on the side of the cup, then back up at him.
When our eyes locked, he grinned slightly. My instinct was to smile back, but I wouldn’t let myself.
“Thank you for the coffee.”
“Of course.”
Deacon’s demeanor was a bit different from the last time I’d seen him right after he returned. His eye contact was more direct; he seemed determined to get through to me today.