“I never really looked at my problem as a fear of failure,” I said.
“But it is. Your fear is of failing people, harming people. You have to ask yourself if you really deserve a life sentence for something that happened when you were practically a kid and wasn’t entirely your fault.”
“You know how I feel about that.”
“I know what you’ve made yourself believe, but it’s time to stop blaming yourself.”
“You were angry with me for so many years,” I said. “I’m surprised you’re telling me you don’t think it was my fault.”
“I might have been angry that it happened, but never once did I feel like you were in the wrong. That other car was going too fast, and it was a foggy night. You were momentarily distracted, trying to get where you needed to go. You weren’t drunk. You weren’t being reckless. Even if you hadn’t been using the navigation device and your reflexes had kicked in faster, you don’t know that you could have stopped what happened.”
“If you felt that way, why did you act like you blamed me?”
“Because I was bitter at life. I expressed that through my treatment of you, and I’m very sorry for that, son. It wasn’t fair. I’m sorry I didn’t say all of this sooner.”
Resting my head on the wall behind my seat, I let out a long breath. “The accident with Carys… It felt like the same nightmare all over again.”
“Yes, I’m sure it did. But no one was hurt. So there had to have been more to your decision to flee New York than the accident?”
“It wasn’t so much the accident as it was what the accident represented. It made me feel like I couldn’t be trusted to keep them safe. And the responsibility of a child is just so…huge. Literally, her life was in my hands—not only that day, but it would’ve been every day thereafter. So many opportunities to fuck up.”
“So you’d rather someone else raise this child you clearly care about, take care of the woman you love, because you’re scared to mess up? I got news for ya, that’s a good way to waste your life. And let me tell you, if you ever find yourself with a health scare like mine, you’re gonna wish you had taken life by the horns and let yourself love the ones you cared about when you had the chance. It wouldn’t be much fun for me to be alone right now. All I have is my family. I took your mother for granted for a long time. But she’s been my rock through all this, despite some rough years together. Where would I be without her—and without you and your brother—taking turns sitting with me so I don’t have to be alone?”
I turned to him. “I’m glad I can be here for you right now.”
“You’ve paid your dues. I’d rather you go back to being there for you.”
“I can’t leave you like this.”
“Sure, you can. You can keep tabs on me through Mom. I’m just a flight away if you need to come home again. Don’t use me as an excuse to hide from things you haven’t dealt with. You have to go back to New York eventually. You’re going to have to face her sooner or later.”
Would I? Or would I just give up the apartment and move somewhere else so I didn’t have to see Carys on a daily basis?
“I think she might be letting her daughter’s father back into her life. I don’t trust him. But I feel like I don’t trust myself either.”
“You hit the nail on the head. You don’t trust yourself. Faith in oneself is a risk. You need to accept that anything worth having is going to come with the risk of loss. Maybe the reason you haven’t been able to deal with things now is because you’ve never dealt with the past. You ran away instead.”
“How do I deal with the past now? It’s been a decade.”
“Maybe you need to see Becca, see how she’s handling life.”
My ex and I had grown apart quickly after the accident. She chose to end things, and I left town. But I’d thought about her a lot over the years. Only the more time that passed, the harder it became to make contact.
Maybe my father was right. Maybe somehow I needed to hear that she was okay.
“Thank you for the advice, Dad. I’ll think about it.”
* * *
That night, I searched for Becca’s name on social media.
She was the first Becca Henderson to pop up, since we had a few mutual friends. I took some time to look through her photos. Her familiar face—dusted with freckles and framed by her long brown hair—took me back almost instantly. Because we weren’t “friends” on here, I could only see a few images, and most of them were from years ago. One was a photo of Becca and a black lab. There were no real clues about her life now. While I’d heard through the grapevine that she still lived around here, I didn’t know much else. I had no idea where her house was, as we hadn’t met until we were both attending school in Iowa.
I took a deep breath and hit the friend-request button.
That would be a start. If she ignored my request, that would be the end of it. But if she accepted, maybe she’d be receptive to a conversation. I closed out of the app and opened my email to catch up on some work stuff. A few minutes later, I got a notification that Becca had accepted my friend request.
Wow.
Okay, then.
She didn’t send me a message or post on my page, so I took that as my cue to make the first move. I clicked on the button on her profile to message her. I typed and deleted several times before settling on a simple message.
Hey, Becca. It’s been a long time. How are things?
Then I waited anxiously for the response, hoping the answer was positive, and more than that, hoping she didn’t hate me.
CHAPTER 26
Carys
THE TEXT
This was a huge day. It would be the first time I let Charles see Sunny without me being there, too. The plan seemed innocent enough. He’d brought his kids to my apartment, and they would be hanging out for a couple of hours.
Talia and Xavier had recently met Sunny for the first time. Today was their third visit. The kids had really taken to her, and Sunny liked them. Allowing them to meet seemed to be one of the rare good decisions I’d made this past year.
So with Sunny occupied by Charles and his kids, I was off to run a couple of errands and take a breather. I had mixed feelings about leaving her alone with them, but Charles had earned back a bit of my trust in the past few months. While I wouldn’t trust him with my heart again, I knew he was a responsible father to his two other kids. I had no reason to fear for Sunny’s safety while in his care.
And also? Mama needed a breather. I mainly had a babysitter for when I worked, so taking an hour for myself was like a dream at this point. So when Charles had offered, I caved, though I didn’t venture very far. I ran to the drugstore down the street to take my time shopping for toiletries, then stopped at a café around the corner. I’d be close by if Charles needed me to come back.
As I sipped my coffee in a cozy corner seat, I scrolled through my phone and did something I probably shouldn’t have. The gaming app Deacon’s company created had been installed on my phone for some time. It felt like my only connection to him. From time to time, I’d look to see what new games had been created, knowing he’d had a hand in designing them. Sometimes I’d play them. Yes, I know that’s pathetic. But it felt like a safe way to remember Deacon without having to actually interact with him.