“You and I go back a long time, Sarah,” he began, no hesitation whatsoever. “I have to admit I really disliked you.” The feeling had been mutual. “But you’re with Hayds now, and you went through a lot of shit, so I don’t want to do something I’ll regret later. Don’t interfere in what isn’t your business. Mace and I won’t bother you anymore, but if you keep pulling the shit you pulled today, I’m not sure we’ll be able to tolerate it.”
I was livid. “You expect me to stand aside and let you abuse innocent people?”
“As I said, what we do isn’t your business. We have the right to do whatever—”
“No, you don’t.” My heart was beating overly fast, my palms clammy. I wasn’t as brave as I sounded, and I expected him to hurt me at any moment.
He stepped away from the wall, reaching me in an instant. “Careful, Sarah. My patience with you can quickly reach its limit. I’m telling you this for your own good. You don’t have a say in what Masen or I do. Either you’ll stay out of our business, or you’ll get hurt too.”
I bristled at his words. How could he be so blind and unfair? How could he be so inconsiderate of others?
“But that guy did nothing to you. It’s sick and wrong that you tortured him just because of, what? Your own issues?”
I didn’t notice when he moved, but the next moment he was in my face, gripping my arm. His steely gray eyes bore into me, increasing my fear of him. “I won’t repeat myself, Sarah. I would hate to be forced to go against you.”
He dropped my arm and returned to Hayden’s room, leaving me in a state of disarray. What was I going to do now? I was right in the middle of two worlds, and I didn’t know where my next step would lead me. If I went against Hayden’s friends, I would protect people like Jess, but Hayden would be caught in between. If I stayed out of it for Hayden’s sake, Jess would suffer.
I couldn’t return to the room and pretend everything was all right when Blake had been clear on how everything would work from now on. Maybe Hayden was changing, but that couldn’t be said for Blake and Masen, and expecting them to act mature just because I asked them to would be pushing it. So I waited in the hallway for them to leave, using the time to compose myself.
They left twenty minutes later, and I was finally able to get alone time with Hayden. The regular beeping reminded me that Hayden’s situation was uncertain and could last indefinitely, but once more, I pushed the depressing thoughts aside. I wouldn’t let my optimism dissolve so easily.
I placed my backpack on the chair and used the anti-bacterial cream in the dispenser above the bedside table, following the instructions of the staff who had instructed me to take care of hygiene around Hayden.
“Hey, Hayden. I missed you.” I kissed his forehead. The creases around his mouth and eyes emphasized how weak he was, and my chest ached for him. I smiled at him, my hand reaching out to caress his cheek. “This has been a long day. It’s Thursday, by the way. December fifteenth. You’re in the ICU and currently in a coma, but you’ll get better soon,” I informed him in a reassuring tone, just like his doctor had advised me.
I took a seat next to him and caught his hand. If only I could get a slightest response from him, even a tiny twitch of his fingers. I stared at his hand as I imagined it, but it only brought me more grief.
“I just had another Krav Maga class, and it was brutal. If my instructors keep up this tempo, I’ll be a killing machine in a month.”
This was my first class after I got out of the hospital. I’d debated with myself whether I should continue training since it was expensive, but Melissa had managed to convince me not to give up on it. I just had to cut some other things I wanted so I could afford to pay for it, which wasn’t such a big deal, considering I’d been sacrificing like this my whole life.
“Melissa says hi. She also wanted to visit you, but you know her parents are in the middle of a divorce, so they’re busy moving.”
I mentioned my visit to his therapist, babbling continuously for the next few minutes. The silence fell on us like a heavy burden, and I reached for his diary. I opened it to an entry I hadn’t read before, and my pulse kicked up.
“Date: Let’s just say today is one of those days I’m really pissed off.
Why do you always leave so easily? I need you to stay and say “I’m not going anywhere.” I need to see that you care. So why do you promise so much one moment and do so little the next? If I ripped my heart out for you and put it into your traitorous hands, would that be enough for you? If I bled out after I took a fucking bullet for you, would that be enough for you? If I became the version of me you created, would that be enough for you?
No? Then what the fuck do you want?
Do you even love me?
Why is it so hard for you to stay?
Unless I’m just a shadow of a man, and you’re about to find a real version, someone who will treat you million times better than I ever will.”
My heart gave a shudder, and my eyes sought his face. “You’re perfect, and I love you. I love you so much, Hayden.” I kissed the back of his hand, relaying my love for him through that soft touch.
My hand shook as I turned the next page.
“Date: It’s still the same. More shit piles up.
This scar is fucking me up. It’s like it exists to remind me how fucked up everything is, and I can’t stand looking at it.
Why did he have to be such an idiot? Why couldn’t he just let me die? I deserved to die. I deserved to be in that coffin, not him.
But I can’t even hate him anymore. I want to hate him. I want to keep hating him because of every single shit I went through, but I. Fucking. Can’t.
I can’t because deep down I know it’s my fault. Just like always.”
“No. Don’t say you deserved to die. It was never your fault.” I ran the back of my fingers across his scar, hurt by the raw emotions seeping out of his pages. I finally knew how he felt when he looked at it, and it was too painful.
I was on the verge of tears, but I didn’t want to lose it. My body felt cold as his pain reverberated through me, his vulnerability and reproach resembling my own. We were both broken, and I wished I could wipe our issues away.
My hand trembled harder as I continued to the next page. The pressure in me soared when I spotted the words written in capital letters.
“Why do I exist? I don’t understand.
I DON’T FUCKING UNDERSTAND.
Everything I touch, I destroy.
Everything I see, I destroy.
Everything I want, I destroy.
SO WHY DO I FUCKING LIVE???
She rejected me. That bitch rejected me. She broke me. She completely smashed me, and I HATE her.
I want to inflict the same pain on her. No. EVEN WORSE. I want her to cry and suffer until she vomits from all that pain. I want her to crawl on the floor and beg me to accept her, but I’ll never accept that selfish, lying bitch ever again. Fuck. I’m so mad!! If I were to see her now, I would’ve done some nasty shit to her, and it wouldn’t be even close to satisfying me.
Payback’s a bitch.
She’ll pay.
She’ll pay for making me fall in love with her.