She
The page was ripped in the middle, but the entry didn’t end there.
Why? Why can’t anyone love me? Why can’t she be mine?
WHY DO I NEED HER SO MUCH WHEN I HATE HER?
I HATE HER.
SARAH.
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah...
Shit.
I’m not drunk enough. I’m never drunk enough. I can never drown these suffocating thoughts. All I feel is this gaping hole in my chest that grows bigger fast, and there’s nothing that can fill it.
She’s gone and along with her, my hope for salvation is gone too.”
I clamped my hand against my mouth with a whimper. One tear escaped and fell on the page. When I refused him in the hospital three months ago, I opened some wounds that still hurt.
“I love you, Hayden,” I repeated my earlier words. “I’m yours.” I caressed his hand, hoping with all my might that he could feel it and hear me. “You’re capable of so many things, and I believe in you. One day, you’ll achieve great things.” My voice wavered, and I closed my eyes, fighting against the powerful rush of tears. “I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you. I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.”
I placed his diary into my bag and took a new piece of paper, planning to put these words into a letter. I wiped off my tears and focused on the influx of thoughts that poured out of me, speaking them as I scribbled. I tried to keep my voice as steady and calm as possible.
Exhaustion took over my body when I finished the letter, so I rested my head on his bed, right next to his hand.
“I’m not going anywhere, Hayden,” I mumbled and closed my eyes, slowly dragged into the world of dreams.
THE BEEPING FILLED my ears, and confusion veiled me. The surroundings in my dream changed, turning into a mixture of white and gray, and I felt someone shifting next to me. I looked around, but I found no one.
I heard distant groans, and then they shifted again, pulling me back into reality. I moved, my eyes fluttering open, becoming aware of the heavy breathing on my left. My head snapped upward, and I met Hayden’s dazed eyes.
Oh my God.
He... He’s awake!
“Hayden!” Euphoria and disbelief clashed in my chest, but then he frowned and looked around him in confusion. I stilled. “Hayden?”
His eyes seemed unfocused as they darted around the room, telling me there was something terribly wrong. The beeps of the heart monitor became more frequent, matching my rising heartbeat.
His eyes finally returned to me, and he grimaced. “Sarah?”
Chapter 4
IN THE FIRST FEW DAYS following Hayden’s accident, the hospital staff explained what we might encounter once he woke up. They couldn’t be certain about whether he would be confused, disoriented, agitated, or if he would manifest some defect from his brain injury, but they all agreed on one thing—waking up would be a difficult process for both the patient and his loved ones.
I’d thought I was prepared for everything, but I was wrong. As I watched him breathe more rapidly and his face twist in fear, panic gripped me, pushing away the joy of seeing him awake.
“Hey, Hayden. It’s all right. You’re fine. You’re in the ICU, and you just woke up from a coma—”
“What?” His forehead creased, and his eyes focused and unfocused constantly as he looked around. “What is... What is this shit?” I took his hand gently, but his eyes widened. His hand didn’t respond to my touch at all. “What is this shit?!” His heart rate was too high. His movements were uncoordinated as he tried to move, and he cried out.
“Please don’t move, Hayden. Your ribs are broken, and moving will only hurt you...”
I pressed the nurse call button hoping someone would arrive as quickly as possible because he was growing more agitated with each second. His eyes were unusually wide now, and his face was much paler than just a minute ago.
“Hayden, you’re in the hospital. You just woke up after ten days. You’ve been in a coma all this time—”
“Why are the walls shrinking?!”
“What?”
“Why am I tied down?!” I looked down his body, confused because he wasn’t in any way restrained, but before I could assure him that he wasn’t tied down, he started thrashing against the bed. “Let me go!” He groaned in pain, but he didn’t stop his frantic movements. “Fuck! Where does this pain...? Let me go!”
“Hayden!” I grasped his upper arm and tugged it gently. I hoped to get his attention and calm him down, but he didn’t react to me.
“I’m not in the hospital!” His breathing quickened when he spotted the cast on his left arm, and he growled, flailing his injured arm.
“Hey!” I tried to stop him from moving it, but he jerked away from me and gaped at his right hand and then at his left that was covered with a cast.
“Why can’t I feel my hands?”
No.
The door flew open, and the nurse finally entered the room. Her eyes flashed with surprise at seeing Hayden awake before she took him in and turned serious. She rushed to him.
“Mr. Black. I’m Nurse Robinson. You may hurt yourself if you keep doing that since you suffered broken ribs and—”
“Let me go!” The beeping of the heart monitor was so loud and fast I feared his heart wouldn’t endure all this exertion. He writhed madly as he tried to pull away from her, and she had to fight to keep her hands on his shoulders.
She reached for her phone in her pocket and tapped the screen. “Nurse Olivia, call Dr. McConnor. The patient in the room thirty-seven is conscious, but he’s agitated, and I need assistance.”
“What’s happening with him?” I asked.
She barely spared me a glance. “Please, leave the room. He’s overreacting to sudden stimuli, and your presence will only upset him more.”
I took a shaky step backward, wishing nothing more but to stay next to him, but I didn’t want to make his condition worse. “I’ll be right outside, Hayden. I’m not going anywhere.”
“NO! Don’t go!”
His frightened eyes bore into me, rattling me from the inside out, as he fought against the invisible shackles while trying to reach for me. Terror enveloped me, and I grew cold. I wanted to tell him so many things. I wanted to hug him and chase away his nightmare, but this was out of my hands.
“Leave the room now,” the nurse repeated.
“Okay.”
I backed away to the open door, never breaking my eye contact with Hayden. “I’m right outside. Don’t worry,” I mouthed to him. My heart broke when he let out a shout of horror.
“SARAH!”
Doctor McConnor and two nurses almost collided with me when they sprinted into Hayden’s room, but before I could apologize for blocking their way, one of the nurses faced me and said, “Please get out of the room.”
“Yes, I’m sorry.” I stepped out and flinched when she shut the door in my face before I could look at Hayden one last time.
I clenched my hands, staring at the number on the door. My heart thumped fast against my rib cage. I was shaking terribly, and I had to sit down so my knees wouldn’t give out on me.