I was more than lucky to get an appointment with her seeing that I’d called to schedule it only a few days ago. I’d expected to wait for weeks.
“I appreciate that you found some time in your busy schedule to talk with me.”
“I’m pleasantly surprised that you came, Sarah. I wish the partners of my patients came to see me more often. A successful, healthy relationship with someone with BPD takes commitment from both partners.” She offered me a polite smile to assuage me. I was shifting in my seat too often, and I didn’t know what to do with my hands. I disliked therapists, but I had to do this for Hayden and our relationship.
“I just want to know what I’m doing wrong. I want to help him, not make things worse.”
“Of course. Did anything specific happen between Hayden and you?”
I took a deep breath, hoping my voice wouldn’t betray how nervous I felt. “You’re aware that Hayden is... He’s in a coma now.”
She nodded, her beautiful, young-looking face expressing sympathy. “Mrs. Black called me and notified me of the latest events. He is young and strong, Sarah. He doesn’t quite believe it, but he’s a fighter. His strong will always amazed me.”
“Yes, well... Thank you.”
I didn’t know how to approach the issue, since there was a part of me that blamed myself, despite knowing I hadn’t done what he accused me for. My mistake was not being able to read the signs and react accordingly, so I hoped to learn what I could do the next time Hayden became enraged and started arguing with me.
“How are you holding up?”
I shrugged. I didn’t have the slightest desire to talk about myself. “I’m okay.”
She nodded, taking the hint. “Is there something else you wish to tell me?”
“Yes.” My cheeks colored under her intense stare, and I hated being observed like this. I had a feeling she was already constructing my diagnosis in her head, and I didn’t like it one bit. “We had a fight that morning. He... He got so mad. He said some hurtful words and left me. I didn’t notice in time that he wasn’t paying attention to the traffic, so... He got hit and... Now he’s in a coma.”
She mulled over these words for a long moment, and I almost expected her to write them down in the notebook that lay in front of her on her desk. “Do you blame yourself for his accident?”
A jolt unfurled through my chest because her words hit the nail on the head. I swallowed past the sudden dryness in my throat. “N-No.” It’s pointless to lie, Sarah. You need to be honest if you want your relationship with Hayden to work. “A little.”
“I see. And why do you blame yourself?”
“Because I didn’t react properly. I’m afraid I just made his anger worse.”
“Can you describe that argument?”
I tried to recollect every detail as I recounted that fight, avoiding mentioning what the call Hayden received was about, since she would then know he was dabbling in criminal activity.
“You told me you’ve been studying BPD.”
“Yes.”
“Then you’re aware that many things they do or say during their rage episodes may not be the display of their real thoughts?” I nodded. “Honesty, trust, and communication are important in a relationship. Has Hayden opened up to you about his feelings so far?”
I called to mind each time he spoke about his feelings and revealed his deepest fears and thoughts. “Yes. He even gave me his diary.”
Her eyebrows shot upward. “His diary?”
“Yes. Um, he said he wasn’t able to express himself fully when he talked to me, so he gave me his diary. He thought it could help me understand him better.”
“I see. I must say that is a huge progress.”
I twiddled my thumbs in my lap. A part of the suffocating weight lifted off my chest. “Really?”
“Yes. A lot of their problems come from their insecurity and trust issues, so giving something so personal to another person to read represents a huge step. It’s a clear sign that he cares about you deeply. How long have you two been together?”
I blushed. “Eleven days.” And he was in a coma for ten of those days. The irony.
This time her whole face twisted with surprise, and I blushed harder. “Eleven days?”
“Yes.” I resisted the urge to squirm on my chair again.
She regained her blank expression in a second. “Based on your determination to make things work with Hayden, I was under the impression that you were together for a much longer period of time.”
“We knew each other well before we started dating.” I didn’t want to elaborate on our complicated past.
She nodded. “I see. As I mentioned, the major disturbance in their behavior comes from their unstable self-image, which induces a potent emotion—fear. Since they have low self-esteem, they fear that others would perceive them in the same way. They fear of being abandoned or betrayed, they fear of not being worthy of love, they fear loneliness and emptiness... So many fears that are a constant in their life. This constant brings them a lot of stress, which is why they are faced with emotional instability each day. A relationship with them can be a real roller coaster ride.”
A roller coaster ride. Yes, it had been a hell of a roller coaster ride, which confused me to no end. Hot and cold, love and hate, anger and joy, all of these emotions impeding our happiness and mutual trust.
“So how can I help him with his fears?”
“First of all, you need to assure him that he is safe with you and that you won’t leave him. It takes a lot of patience and effort on your part. Take his feelings seriously. Validating his feelings is extremely important. He needs to know that you care about how he feels and that you understand how difficult his feelings could be.”
“I get that, but sometimes it’s too hard. Just when I think I understand him, he does something that completely astounds me. He becomes so angry with me, and I’m no closer to understanding what I did to get treated that way. And I don’t know how to deal with his tantrums.”
“Here are a couple of suggestions. Don’t try to solve issues during arguments. It would be best to solve the problem after you both calmed down. Secondly, your tone during arguments is extremely important. Don’t raise your voice. You need to be conflict-capable and emotionally stable. You have to be able to confront him firmly and bear with the extreme changes in his behavior. This means that understanding his feelings during such an episode can help you deal with it, and you’ll avoid reacting to triggers and prolonging your argument instead of resolving it.”
“You mean that instead of defending myself, I should try to approach the core of the problem?”
“Exactly. The more you defend yourself, the more he’ll believe that his suspicions or accusations are correct. So arguing back in a gentle way, without becoming offensive, and maintaining simple communication is imperative. Ignoring his claims or adding sarcasm and insults can only hinder your communication process. Also, pay attention to your facial expressions and body language because they send a clear message too.”
“I see. I’ll work on that.”
“And remember: if, let’s say, he tells you that he hates you or something along these lines, there is some underlying cause, which doesn’t have to do anything with you. So don’t take it personally. The best thing to do in order to discover the real source of his discontentment is to communicate and validate his feelings.”