She sat next to his bed and gave me a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. You heard the doctor. The worst has passed. We have to believe in him, Sarah. We have to be strong and help him.”
We sat in silence, both of us lost in our thoughts. She left after a while, reminding me to get some sleep, but there was no way I could fall asleep. I was too tense, and I feared I might miss something important if I let myself close my eyes even for a moment.
I caught Hayden’s hand, and my throat closed up because of the numbness in it. Would his hands stay paralyzed forever? Was there anything else that was paralyzed? Would he—
Enough with these questions, Sarah. You heard Mrs. Black. Believe in him.
I focused on the fact that he woke up from the coma and let relief push away all doubts. The worst had passed.
“You’re going to be all right, Hayden. All of this will be over soon.”
I grabbed my sketchbook and started working on my new drawing of Hayden. These days, I was able to draw only him, so I hadn’t posted anything on my art accounts. As much as interacting with my followers helped me take my mind off the depressing reality, it was just a weak illusion that reminded me that nothing mattered if Hayden wasn’t okay.
I didn’t have inspiration to draw, and whenever I tried creating something on my laptop, I ended up deleting it. Even now, as I sketched Hayden meticulously, I was making many mistakes and had to erase some parts repeatedly.
It was past midnight when I stopped drawing, my vision too blurry to focus on the lines. I was worn out, but I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to read Hayden’s diary again.
I opened it at a random page, letting his words pull me into his world again, enabling me to feel closer to him.
“Date: You know what? Fuck dates.
I struggle with words. I struggle to explain what it feels like when I’m completely calm one moment and the next I’m fucking boiling. It’s a sudden overload of emotions. My head feels like it’s going to explode, and I can’t deal with that suffocating tension. Most of the time, I can’t control it. My heart beats fast, my blood boils, my breathing accelerates, and it gets worse and worse until it just erupts. And then... And then comes self-destruction. It’s a fucking mess of epic proportions.
Anger is everywhere. It owns me. It courses through my blood and turns me into this pain, static noise, and suffocation.
Fear and shame... They are muffled in the background under the spreading darkness that makes me turn my worst nightmare into reality.
I’m so afraid of it. I’m afraid of the consequences. I know it will come sooner or later. It always comes, and there is nothing I can do about it. I lash out. I hurt people. I’m blinded with rage... All those bottled up emotions just erupt out of me, and it’s frightening.
I don’t want to hurt anyone. I hate it. But I can’t do anything about it. I spurt out all those terrible words, and most often I don’t even mean them. I don’t mean a single thing, but it doesn’t matter, because the damage was already done.
Damage.
I hate that word. It’s everywhere. I’m damaged, and I damage you. Ironic. And I still want to give love and make people happy. I want to be so much more than this... Emptiness.
I’m still struggling with DBT. My therapist told me it takes time and lots of practice, but it’s frustrating when I stay stuck in that same vicious circle. I want to break out of it. So I fight again. And again. And again.
And again.
Take deep breaths. Recognize your anger. Leave. Don’t explode but leave. Focus on letting your emotions out in a healthy way. Write. Go outside. Exercise. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
It’s so fucking exhausting.
But one day I’ll get there.”
Chapter 5
ONCE MORE, MONDAY PROVED to be the worst day of the week with the freezing temperature and accumulated snow, which I had more than enough of. Quick to escape the terribly cold afternoon, I rushed into the hospital and headed to the second floor.
Hayden had been transferred from the ICU to the general ward, and he was slowly showing more signs of improvement. He woke up three days ago, and for the most part, he was silent or confused, with occasional anger outbursts. It was painful to see him unable to focus or keep his attention on our words, but Carmen assured me we had to give him some time and it would get better.
We were next to him as much as possible, and we tried to cheer him up, but it didn’t always work. I was happy all the more when Masen and Blake managed to make him laugh for the first time with some dirty joke only they understood, and I clung onto that single ray of hope.
His hallucinations decreased, but he still couldn’t feel his hands, and that terrified me the most. Doctor McConnor told us it could be temporary, but I couldn’t help but doubt it, having read about the coma patients who were paralyzed for life one way or another.
I’d planned to skip school and visit Hayden early in the morning, but he told me last night he knew how important school was for me.
“You’re already doing so much for me. I don’t want your life to stop just because I’m stuck here. Go to school, I’ll be fine,” he’d said, taking me completely by surprise. His understanding showed me once more just how special he was.
I drew up when I spotted Blake and Masen in front of Hayden’s room, their faces wearing a look of concern. They masked it the moment they saw me, which only scared me more. If they hid their real emotions that could only mean something serious was happening.
I reached them in two quick strides. “What’s going on? Why are you standing here?” I glanced at Hayden’s door. “Is Hayden okay?” I moved to his room without waiting for their answer, but Blake grabbed my arm and pulled me back.
“Don’t go in there.”
“What? Why?”
“He has visitors.” Blake averted his gaze, as if he was hiding something. I glanced at Masen, but his face didn’t tell me anything.
“Okay. Who are they?” Blake looked aside, letting me go.
“It would be better if you take a walk,” Masen said and offered me a half-hearted smile that failed to douse my unease.
“No. What’s wrong? Who’s inside? What are you hiding from me?”
They glanced at each other, and Masen shifted on his feet. “They’re some guys from our gang,” he said unwillingly.
What? All the hairs on my neck stood up. “Why?”
“They wanted to check up on Hayden.”
This was bad. “When you say check up on him... Do you mean check if he’s well or—”
“As in check if he really has brain injury and can’t fight anymore as he claims,” Blake interjected, and my gut churned.
I glared at them. “Why did you let them inside? Hayden shouldn’t get disturbed—”
“It’s not like we could stop them,” Masen interrupted me. “They always get what they want, and we would make things worse if we tried to get in their way.”
I shook my head as I stared at them in disbelief. This was a hard pill to swallow.
“What do they want from him? He’s not well, and they can’t seriously expect him to fight.” I couldn’t hide frustration from my rising voice, feeling helpless because I couldn’t do anything to help Hayden get out of the mess he got himself into a long time ago.