The first thing his doctor told us was not to expect him to open his eyes and act like usual, which terrified me. What would he be like when he woke up? Would there be any significant change in him? How long would his recovery last? When would he wake up? So many questions.
I tightened my jaw as I looked at him, refusing to cry. I told myself I wouldn’t ever cry here, no matter how hard it was to handle my emotions. The doctors had told us to treat him like he could hear us because it could help him recover, which was a comforting thought. I was grasping it with both hands, so I always spoke positive things to him. I talked about my feelings. I assured him he wasn’t alone and unloved. I made sure to mention Carmen, Blake, and Masen, who were beyond themselves with worry.
“I love you, Hayden. You’re going to be all right.”
I took his hand into mine and followed the contours of his long fingers with my forefinger, marveling at the difference in the size of our hands. I loved his hands. I loved how strong they felt compared to mine. The bulging veins on his arms, the muscular neck and shoulders, his plump lips... There was no physical part of Hayden I didn’t like.
“You’ll wake up soon, and we’ll have a lot of fun together.” I fought so hard not to let my voice crack. I had to keep my tone cheerful and encouraging. “I want us to do so many things. I want to know more about you. I want us to laugh together... Soon.”
I pursed my lips and inhaled deeply through my nose. I flicked my eyes to his face, checking for any reaction, but I found none. His unmoving face brought a new wave of dull pain that worked hard to crush my hope. Waiting was the worst.
“Midterms were so exhausting. Jessica was panicking all the time because she thought she hadn’t studied enough, and it was funny. I’m sure she did better than me. Melissa was so cool about it. Seriously, she never looks like she cares about her grades, but she always manages to get top marks.”
I glanced at the heart monitor, but the stats remained the same. There was no reaction from him. I often wondered if he was dreaming or experiencing anything in this state. Was he in his own world, or would these days seem like a fleeting moment once he woke up?
“She doesn’t need to study much to memorize things, almost like you. She’s clever and able to adjust to any situation.”
Despite the difficulties her family faced in the midst of her parents’ divorce, she was always strong and lively, and I truly admired her. Steven, their mom, and she were going to move into her grandparents’ house next week, and her move to Enfield was one of the rare things that were a consolation lately.
“She’s going to transfer to our school next Wednesday.” His face didn’t move an inch, and I sighed. I had to believe he’d heard and understood everything. “It’s a bit unusual since holidays start next week, but I’m so glad.”
Holidays. I didn’t want to think about spending them without Hayden. I turned another page and read another entry.
“Date: One of those days.
I hate it. This anger. This rage. This madness that makes me speak and do things I regret and hate myself for. I can’t stop it. They told me to note down how I feel in the moment and try to figure out what triggers it, but it’s so fucking difficult. I’m frustrated that sometimes I can control it, but some other times I screw everything up, and I hate myself.
She understood it. I saw it in her eyes in that moment. She completely understood those words came from somewhere I’m ashamed of. She understood I don’t want her to go. When I tell her I’ll always throw her away, I actually need her more than my next heartbeat. And then she said I couldn’t push her away anymore, and she completely trapped me.
Fuck. I thought my madness rules over me, but more than this madness, she’s the one I can’t ever resist.
Shit. Why can’t I be normal for her?”
I snapped his diary shut as a stream of sorrow poured over me. I wanted to tell him so much, but the words didn’t come out easily.
I put the diary back into my bag and took out my notebook, glancing at the graphite drawings of Hayden I made these days, which were now spread on the table. After the initial shock had passed, I had an idea to communicate with Hayden through writing. I struggled to find the right words to express my emotions, but I wanted to share all my feelings with him from the previous days, so I decided to write letters to him; letters he would hopefully be able to read soon.
Since the silence of this room filled the long hours I spent here with unease, I drew Hayden for the most of my time. It was my refuge. Sometimes I just reproduced what I saw, but other times I drew from my memory, depicting him in a different way each time. They were my gifts for him, since I wanted to give him something as thoughtful as the art supplies and diary he’d given me.
“Here goes another letter. I already told you this a few days ago, but I’m not as good with words as you are, so don’t laugh at me, okay?”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, imagining his reaction. He would probably roll his eyes or snort and reply sarcastically, and I missed it so much.
I cleared my throat. I was going to read loudly as I wrote, which I did with every letter.
“Nine days have passed since you got hit. Every day is a paradox because it feels like an eternity, but the time flies by. Just like every other day, I rushed in here after school with a crazy heartbeat and tingles in my chest, hoping I’d finally see you awake. Then...”
Then a heavy weight, my closest companion during these last nine days, returned to my chest, and I had to feed myself with an almost fruitless hope that you’d wake up soon—that you would be one of those who managed to pull out...
No, I couldn’t write that. I had to stay positive and write only positive things. If he could hear everything we said, I had to focus on soothing and nice things. I crossed out “Then” and continued writing.
“But I’m sure you’ll wake up soon. And I want us to do so many things together and visit many places. Maybe we can go to the river again. I would probably be freezing since it’s so cold and snowy, and you’d think it was funny or something. I miss that. I miss you teasing me.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep inhale. An insurmountable pain crushed my chest. My lip quivered, and the tears threatened to spill, but I closed my eyes and focused on suppressing them.
“Anyway, I hope you’re not in pain. I hope that if you’re dreaming or experiencing anything right now, it’s all nice.”
My hand shook hard, and I fisted it, unable to write anything anymore. The more I wrote, the more the wound in my heart opened because the words were too painful. I decided to end it here.
“I’m waiting for you. We all are. I love you, Hayden. I love you so much.”
The beeps in the room quickened, and I snapped my gaze to the heart monitor. Did he hear me? I desperately waited for him to move... Waiting...
Waiting...
Come on, Hayden.
His heartbeat returned to its previous rate, and I had to press my hand against my mouth to stifle a whimper. It’s okay. It’s going to be all right.
I folded the paper and put it on top of all the previous letters I wrote. He’d have quite a lot to read once he woke up because this was the seventh letter I wrote. I stood up and pressed my lips to his, giving him a lingering kiss, wanting to pour all my feelings into this touch. Once more, his heartbeat quickened and mine followed, each inch of me filled with tension and hope...