I glanced away and told myself I could do this. I had to. “I’m apologizing for the way I said those things. It was hurtful.”
He looked off into the distance, staying quiet, which made this a lot harder for me.
“I-I appreciate all you’ve done for me, especially that you came to visit me in the hospital. It’s just that, due to specific circumstances, I couldn’t let Hayden get the wrong picture about you and me. And I didn’t want the situation to turn into something ugly. I didn’t want Hayden or you hurt. But in the end, I hurt you. The words I said to you were too harsh, and for that I’m so sorry.”
My words didn’t make much sense to me, and my brain worked at full tilt to come up with the appropriate apology despite my poor communication skills and anxiety, but I came up short. I just hoped I’d managed to convey even a little how sorry I was.
In a barely perceivable move, he took a deep breath. He brought his gaze back to me. “Why are you doing this now? I don’t need your pity.”
I recoiled, and my cheeks burned once more. “I don’t pity you. I just want you to know that I feel guilty for hurting you. I don’t want that.”
“So you’re doing this so you can feel better? Why does it matter whether I know you’re sorry or not? Either way, you want me to stay away from you.”
I didn’t let his sharp tone deter me. We couldn’t quite wipe the slate clean, but at least I’d apologized.
“I’m not doing this to make myself feel better. I’m doing this so you’d know how sorry I am for reacting the way I did. I want you to know that I didn’t hurt you deliberately. It was ugly, and even now I can’t explain myself in the right way, but I hope you’ll be able to forgive me one day. However, and I’m so sorry for this too, but at this moment, we can’t be friends.” I sniffed and took a step back. “I’m sorry.”
There was nothing else I could say to him, so I might as well let him be.
“I wish you all the best in your life, Mateo. You deserve it. Happy New Year.”
I spun on my heel, but before I could take two steps, he said, “Sarah, wait.”
I stopped with my heart in my throat. I turned to look at him, wishing I could be done with this already. “Yes?”
He tucked his hair behind his ears and licked his lips. “I understand why we can’t be friends because I’d feel the same as he feels. I wouldn’t want you to be friends with him while you were still with me.”
I didn’t know what to say, surprised he would tell me something like this now.
“And about your apology, I accept it. I mean, I’m not okay, and I won’t pretend that what you did didn’t put me through a bad period, but I don’t want you to feel guilty.” He shifted his weight. “This is for the best, since I don’t think I could stay friends with you anyway when you’re with him. I’ll be okay, so don’t worry about me.”
I hadn’t expected him to say this, so now I had no good answer to it. He was actually accepting my apology. He wasn’t mad with me, yelling at me, or anything of the sort. I didn’t know if I should feel relieved or bad because he was being this nice.
“Thank you.” I couldn’t say anything else, abashed that he was forgiving me despite everything. “I’m going now. That’s all I wanted to—”
“Is he good to you?”
I halted mid-step. “Yes. Hayden is amazing.” His eyes exposed his true feelings, and I weighed my words. It didn’t feel right to tell him just how happy Hayden made me feel, because that would be like rubbing salt in the wound. “I’m okay, Mateo. He’s different, and things are going well between us. You don’t have to worry about me.”
He nodded and took gloves out of his pocket. “That’s good to hear. Okay then. Happy New Year, Sarah. See you around.”
For the first time today, he smiled at me, but he turned around before I could smile back. “Bye, Mateo.”
I looked at his retreating back with a mixture of melancholy and hope that one day all of this would feel like a small bump in the road to be forgotten. Maybe all we needed was time that would allow us to heal. And one day, I was sure of it, he would find the right one for him—the one that would give him all he deserved and much more.
AN HOUR LATER, I WENT to pick Hayden up from therapy. He’d agreed to let me drive his car, so I used it to get around. His smell lingered in the cabin, heightening my longing for him, so when he got into the car, I couldn’t resist smashing my lips against his.
“You’ve missed me that much?” he asked when we separated from each other. His tone was playful, but there was no smile accompanying it.
“That much and even more. How was your therapy?” Luckily, Ms. Kishimoto wanted to see him even during holidays.
“Never better. I think I almost lost my voice from all that screaming at Kishimoto.”
My forehead wrinkled into a small frown. “What happened?”
“She’s trying to get inside my head too much. It’s not helping me. I hate when she says she understands and nods—she always nods—but she doesn’t understand a damn thing.”
“Maybe she understands it as a professional. After all, she has a lot of experience with patients who have BPD.”
“Still, I hate it. I hate her.”
I put my hand on his, observing his profile as he stared at his lap. “She just wants you to get better. I’m sure it will be better next time.”
“If there’s going to be next time,” he bit back, and I flinched. “I hate that place. I hate sessions with her. She’s always so fucking calm and polite, and it’s irritates the shit out of me.”
I didn’t linger on the nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach and focused on calming him down. I gave him a tight hug and kissed his cheek, holding him close to me.
“She told me there’s a possibility that my BPD symptoms will decrease with age.”
“Really? That’s great!”
He didn’t share my enthusiasm; his face remained stern when I leaned away to look at him. “Yeah. Fucking great. She mentioned she had patients whose symptoms became less intense as they grew older, but it’s so hard to believe that because it feels like it won’t ever end. It feels like it will always grip my throat and limit my freedom.” He slid his hand down his face and clenched his other hand on his lap. “It’s downright ugly.”
“But if there is even the slightest possibility of that happening, we should be optimistic. You’re already making huge progress, and that’s what matters. I’m here, so you can always rely on me,” I reminded him and ran the back of my fingers down his cheek.
“Whatever.”
He looked unconvinced, his anger abiding, until I pulled him in another hug and he let his arms slide around my waist and hold me against him. A little while later, he managed to relax, and I started the car.
He turned on the car stereo, and the sounds of Breaking Benjamin filled the air as I accelerated down the road. We were having a movie night at his place, which was exactly what I needed to lift my mood. We slipped into a comfortable silence, and my thoughts went to an idea for the drawing I wanted to draw next. The sunset colored the sky in the most intricate way, and this awe-inspiring sight helped me with the setting I was going to use for my fantasy character.