He met me half-way and pulled me into a kiss. The memory of our last time together in this room flashed through my mind as I molded myself into him. How things had changed... Now, his hands held me like he never wanted to let me go, cocooning me with his warmth, and each passing second was full of love and need that brought us closer to each other.
We separated slowly, gazing affectionately at each other. This was the softest kiss he’d ever given me.
“What was that for?” I asked, dazed.
His rapt gaze studied each line of my face. “Unstaining memories.”
My pulse sped up once more as the meaning of his words sank in. “What do you mean?”
“All that bullshit about staining your memories keeps bothering me.” He brushed a strand of my hair off my face. “It’s high time to fix that. I don’t want to remind you about all the abuse I put you through right here. I don’t want you to go through anything like that ever again. So it’s time to create some new memories that can stay with you forever and erase the old ones I made.”
I didn’t know what to say. Before I could even form a sentence, he stepped away and looked around the room with sorrowful eyes. “After so much time, I’m finally able to come here.”
He went over to Kayden’s telescope and brushed his fingers over it. “I’m finally able to step inside his room without feeling horror or switching back to that dark period. I’m finally able to handle this trigger.”
My chest went tight with relief. He was healing.
I came from behind him and hugged him. “Does this mean that you moved on?”
He covered my hands with his. “Not quite, but it’s much better now than it was before.”
“And how do you feel now, being in his room?”
He caressed my hand with his thumb, and the seconds passing in silence intensified my anticipation of his answer.
“I miss him.” His whispered answer touched me profoundly, and a dull pain spread through my chest. Our mutual grief shaded our world in darker tones. How I wished Kayden was here—to smile and make his dreams come true.
“His room brings me a raw pain that I hope will stop one day.” He snorted. “It’s ironic. I couldn’t stand him for so long, and I often thought my life would be so much better without him, but now that he’s gone, I miss him more than I ever had.”
He turned around and took my face into his cold hands. My stomach knotted at the sight of his red eyes and face twisted with lament. “This room is another reminder how quickly a person can die, and nothing can ever bring them back,” he said. “They’re never coming back.”
He cupped my cheeks and held my gaze. “That’s why I want to go with you to a special place today. I need to unstain all those memories and make new ones.”
“A special place?”
“Yes. I want us to visit Kayden’s grave. There’s something important I need to tell you.”
HEAPS OF SNOW HAD ACCUMULATED on the ground around the headstones, attuned to the gray sky that held no promise of sunny weather. The cemetery looked gloomier than ever, but this time no feelings of loneliness or desolation followed me as Hayden and I walked hand in hand.
The times had definitely changed.
We stopped at Kay’s grave, and I bent to put fresh flowers into a pot, flicking my gaze to Hayden’s epitaph.
“Breaking into pieces, bleeding so deep,
wishing I was the one who went into eternal sleep.
You’ll never be forgotten, you pure soul,
you left a crushing emptiness, you left an immense hole.
Rest in peace, my dear brother, and sleep tight,
know that I’ll always love you with all my might.”
“I never told you how beautiful these lines are,” I said and straightened up, taking his hand into mine.
A slight curve of his lips revealed regret. “These words are more beautiful than anything I’d ever told him when he was alive. He never got to hear anything like this from me.”
“He knew. I told you about the way he spoke about you. You weren’t on good terms and couldn’t find common ground, but that didn’t take away from the fact that you loved each other.”
He went down on his knees and sat on his heels. I joined him, shivering when the cold from the ground permeated through my jeans. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him to warm me up.
“Thank you.” I leaned my head against his shoulder as we gazed at Kay’s headstone.
“I felt so distant from him that sometimes it didn’t feel like we were family. This will sound weird, but I could never be who I really was with him.”
“Do you know why?”
He shook his head. “I could never get over the animosity I felt toward him. It was always there, especially because I knew our mother loved him more. Just like everybody else. No matter what I did, I always took second place.”
He inhaled a long breath and started making random patterns with his finger in the snow.
“I always blamed him for being in the spotlight and the most successful in everything. And I hated when he played down his success and acted like we were equal.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I didn’t have siblings, so I didn’t know what that rivalry was like.
“I think that each of you were good in the things you liked. For example, Kayden was clueless about writing. He always asked for my help when we had to write essays, but you have a way with words, and I’m always amazed how good it is.”
“Yeah? Even now it’s hard for me to believe that. I feel that if he were still alive, he would be way better than me at everything.”
I snuggled closer to him. “I don’t think so. Besides, I wouldn’t ever compare you. Both of you are different and unique, so it’s pointless to compare.”
He didn’t say anything for a while, letting the wind do the talking in our newfound silence. I deliberated on his words. Would things have been different if Carmen had given undivided attention to both brothers?
“I often wonder what he would be like if he was alive,” he said suddenly. “Would he still be a nerd? Would he start smoking? Would he get to work for NASA?” He chuckled, but it was a dry sound that tugged at my heart. “Would we ever get closer?” He turned to look at me and palmed my face with his icy hand. “Would he still have feelings for you?”
I averted my gaze, a bitter feeling coursing through my stomach. “I often wonder the same things,” I muttered.
He took a deep breath, looking like what he was about to say was too personal. “All that time, I acted like you were the only one to blame for that night, when I actually blamed myself the most.”
He dropped his hand from my face, and his jaw clenched. I thought about his diary entry and the guilt he carried all this time, which was devastating. I caught his hand.
“I read what you wrote in your diary. How you thought it was your fault. Hayden, it wasn’t your fault, and you never deserved to die. Kayden made that choice. I refused to believe that for a long time, blaming myself, but it’s true. He chose to save you.”
Slowly, he met my gaze. “For a long time, I felt I didn’t deserve to be saved. Sometimes, when I looked at this in the mirror”—he pointed at this scar—“I thought how unfair it was that I only got this. It hurt so much looking at it and remembering that moment.”