I was about to park in his driveway when I remembered I hadn’t told him about Mateo. I cleared my throat and shut the engine. I hoped my next words wouldn’t rub him up the wrong way.
“I saw Mateo at my work today.”
His face carried no expression when he met my gaze. “And?” he let out through his teeth.
“I apologized to him for being harsh that day in the hospital. He was always nice to me, so I wanted him to know that I didn’t want to hurt him on purpose. However, I still think we can’t be friends at the moment—”
“At the moment? So you want to be friends with him?” His tone turned sharp, and my hands turned cold.
“I don’t want to be friends with him when he feels something for me. It would be nice if one day we can be friends without him harboring any feelings toward me, but if that’s not possible, that’s also okay. Life goes on, and I’m sure he’ll move on sooner or later.” His gaze remained hard, and I reached for his hand. “I don’t feel anything for him anymore, Hayden, so you don’t have to worry about that. I love you, and I only have eyes for you. And honestly, Mateo can’t even compare to you. You’re perfect. You’re smart, beautiful, funny, and I feel great with you. I want everything with you.” The ends of my lips rose in a tender smile. “I just don’t want him to be hurt, that’s all.”
“Who cares about him being hurt?”
I tightened my fingers around his hand. “I understand that you don’t like him, but he’s a good guy. He doesn’t deserve to suffer. He deserves to find someone who will make him happy.”
He removed his hand from mine and crossed his arms over his chest. “Are you sure you don’t feel anything for him? Because you defend him too much, and it’s driving me mad!”
My heartbeat increased along with the tone of his voice. No. I didn’t want us to fight over this.
“This doesn’t have anything to do with that. I just want to make things right and have a clear conscience. I honestly don’t care if I don’t get to see him ever again. I apologized to him and told him we can’t be friends, and that’s it. He understood that and agreed it was better that way.”
He didn’t say anything for a long time, and I couldn’t read his face because he was turned away from me as he looked through the window. He didn’t even move, and my heart gave a lurch of fear. Would this distance us? Would he misunderstand this completely? Each heartbeat brought a fresh wave of pain that intensified with every second Hayden spent ignoring me.
“Please, Hayden. Believe me,” I tried again. “There is nothing between Mateo and me, and I don’t feel anything for him. You’re the only person that matters to me, and that won’t change ever.” I placed my hand on his upper arm, wishing he would just look at me. “I love you. I love you so much, and I don’t want to lose you.”
I hadn’t noticed when my tears started. I sniffed and wiped them off, but this didn’t prevent them from stopping. He was too still.
“Please, believe me.” I leaned my head against his shoulder. If only he would give away how he felt. “I love you.”
He clenched and unclenched his hand on his lap, repeating this several times. I closed my eyes and snuggled closer to him, fiercely hoping my words would come through to him.
After what seemed like a couple of minutes, he moved and wound his arm around my waist, and I felt like my heart could burst with immediate joy.
“I’m so confused, and I don’t know what to do.” His voice was unrecognizable under the layers of despair, hoarse and deep. “I trust you, Sarah, but there’s always that doubt. It’s always telling me I’m a worthless piece of shit and you’ll find someone way better than me.”
I squeezed his shoulder. He had a long way to go until he learned to love himself. “Don’t say that. You’re my angel, remember? I can be myself only with you. Being with you is what makes me happy, and there’s nothing more I want than that. I love you, Hayden.”
He took my face in his hands, his eyes roaming over every inch of it. “I love you too, Sarah. I’m scared shitless that you’re going to leave me. Please, don’t leave me.”
I cupped his hands with mine and smiled at him. “I’ll never leave you. Never. My heart is only yours, you know that?”
His eyes smoldered, and he leaned in and put his lips to mine. His tongue grazed my lip before it slipped into my mouth, bringing intoxicating warmth that turned all previous coldness, fear, and pain into nothing. His fingers explored my neck in slow caresses that promised a long-awaited pleasure, and I clutched his jacket.
“You’re mine. Just imagining some other guy having you... Fuck. I went through that shit already, and I don’t want to go through that ever again.”
“You won’t. I don’t want anyone but you.” I caressed his cheek, lost in his fiery gaze. “It’s strange. I was so sure you moved on when I was with Mateo, and as much as I tried to forget about you and grow to love him, I couldn’t. I fought against my feelings for you, but it was pointless.”
The look he gave me was incredulous. “You thought I moved on? There was no way I could’ve moved on. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I was reminded every single hour of you, and it was sickening. I hated myself for it, I hated you, and I hated the whole world. I wanted to drown my thoughts, so I did anything that would help me forget the reality that was killing me. Anything that would wipe out my memory of you, your skin, your lips... But. It. Was. Pointless.”
He ran his thumb across my lips, observing them wistfully. “You don’t know how painful it was to see him pick you up after school. To see you two kiss...”
I took his hand in mine. “It’s all in the past. And his kisses never managed to make me feel the way yours do. They never made me desire something more.” My fingers circled his palm, savoring the feel of his skin. “Mateo never managed to reach that part deep within me that always yearned for the kind of love that leaves you breathless and wanting more. The kind of love that makes you forget your reason and just feel. The kind of love I feel toward you.”
Once more, our lips started a sensual dance, and we were taken to that place where no one and nothing existed but us. By the time we separated, the sky was completely dark, and the patches of clouds covered the stars.
“If we keep kissing, we’ll never get to watch movies.”
“I couldn’t care less,” he muttered and left another kiss on my lips before he moved away. “But you’ve been talking about the movie night for days, so you better get out before this turns into something else.”
Chapter 19
THE NEXT TWO DAYS WERE a blend of trepidation and joy with Hayden’s upcoming fight looming over our happiness. Hayden spent a lot of time working out with Masen and Blake to regain his previous fitness level, but it seemed impossible. T was getting more impatient, so the fight was going to be scheduled pretty soon, way before Hayden could be fully ready.
Hayden didn’t want me there, because it was dangerous and the fight could take a turn for the worse, but I couldn’t just stand aside and wait for him without knowing what was going on. It took a lot of convincing, but I managed to get him to agree to let me be there for him, determined to stay with him through everything.