“I’m so sorry.” She glanced at Hayden, twisting her hands together. “After Kayden died, I helped Natalie Shelley and Christine Thompson spread the rumor about you being a ‘murderer.’” My pulse jumped, and I glanced at Hayden, who looked at her without a single trace of emotion on his face.
She licked her lips. “Natalie and I used to be friends... Actually, I wouldn’t call us friends, but we had similar interests, and I knew her better than some. She hated you so much. She and Josh were obsessed with you, but back then I didn’t think it would get that serious, if you know what I mean.” She chuckled dryly. “Anyway, I was so wrong, and it’s good to know both of them are going to spend many years in prison.”
My eyes darted from one girl to the other as I thought of what to say. This was surreal.
“I...” I glanced at Hayden looking for anything that could help me find the right words, but he was impassive as he stared at the girls. “I’m not sure what to say.”
“I know we sound strange,” another girl from the math club said. “We were thinking about this a lot, and we knew we couldn’t just come here and pretend everything was okay. We had to apologize to you. That’s the least we can do.”
“We’re not the only ones who feel this way,” Anna added. “We talked to other people as well, and they feel the same. We’re all sorry.” She directed her gaze at Hayden. “I hate to admit this, but we also didn’t want to go against Hayden. The whole school knew you were enemies, so we just followed his opinion blindly. We didn’t even bother to consider if we were being fair or not.”
My throat clogged up, and I had to clear it twice to be able to say anything. Slowly, confusion gave way to gratitude. Their words were like an ointment on a deep wound, and I hoped in time that ointment would enable the wound to fully heal.
People had started treating me better these last few months—much better than I’d ever thought could be possible. I could finally come to school with a self-esteem that wasn’t as bruised as it was after years of insults. I was finally able to live my life free from acts that had been nourishing my social anxiety and turning me into someone who was afraid to have any social contact.
I felt a sense of hope that the future would bring me different, better things. A part of me had been terrified of going to college only to get bullied again, but I didn’t want to let my insecurities drag me down. Everything was going to be all right.
“But what changed your mind?” I asked them.
“Honestly?” Anna asked. “What Josh and Natalie did to you. It was wrong, and you even saved Hayden, which was amazing. No, amazing doesn’t cut it.” She bit into her lip. “We’re ashamed for assuming bad things about you.”
“We know it may be hard for you to forgive us, and it’s okay if you don’t, but at least know we’re sorry,” Mia said with a timid smile.
I could guess how difficult it was for them to come and say this, especially in front of Hayden. He hadn’t said a word, standing next to me with his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets, and I wondered what he was thinking. I looked at each girl one more time.
I could be hostile toward them and decide to hold a grudge, but I wanted to be better than that. I wanted to do what was best for me, and that was to forgive them and the rest of the school, who clearly didn’t know better. Maybe not knowing how wrong they were was punishment enough. Maybe one day they would learn and have to live with themselves. They would have to look themselves in the mirror, knowing they had hurt someone, but that was on them.
I knew what I was going to find in my reflection—self-acceptance and peace.
“It’s okay. Thank you for coming here and telling me the truth. And I forgive you.” The girls cracked huge, sincere smiles.
More weight lifted off my shoulders, and I could see my past and future in a brighter way. I needed this. I needed to forgive so I could move on. I was healing, far away from that scary, lonely place that only brought pain.
“And I think you should come inside because it’s freezing here,” I said.
Their laughter followed me as I motioned to them to come in. I looked at Hayden, whose lips had yet to move from that stern line they formed a few minutes ago.
“Is everything okay?” I asked him.
He nodded. “Let’s go upstairs.” He headed toward the stairs without waiting for my response.
I closed the door and went after him, carrying the basket. I glanced into the living room when I passed and noticed Kevin, Mel, and Jess dance together like there was no tomorrow. Everything about this day was perfect.
No matter what tomorrow might bring, today was all I needed, and I would remember it forever.
Hayden surprised me when he headed for Kayden’s room and went inside. My heartbeat went haywire.
“Hayden? What are you doing?” My voice came out shaky. I stepped in and looked around the dark room as memories of Kayden rushed back to me.
He closed the door, drowning the cacophony of voices and sounds of Coldplay’s love ballad coming from downstairs. He moved to Kayden’s bed, leaving the room dark.
“I just wanted to come to where it all started for me. To the spot I fell for you.” My stomach swooped.
He sat down on the bed and looked up at the ceiling. I brought my gaze up and met the myriad of tiny stars that shone brightly in the dark. It evoked the clear image of the night in Kayden’s room when I confused Hayden for Kayden. Kay had never gotten the chance to take them down, which left a bittersweet reminder of his adorable personality.
I went over, placed the basket on the floor, and lay down next to him, assuming the same position as on the night of their fifteenth birthday. Silence enveloped us as we observed the stars that held a special meaning for us.
“Countless tiny spots that confuse me instead of giving me any answers,” Hayden began reciting my words, never taking his eyes away from the stars. “Whenever I think about all that unlimited space, I feel overwhelmed. The more we learn about it, the more we see that we know nothing. It’s scary how tiny, so tiny, we are compared to it.” His hand covered mine. “Just the way I feel about you.”
He turned his head to look at me, allowing me to see the mesmerizing softness in his eyes.
“You know how much I love you, Sarah?”
I nodded and interlaced my fingers with his. My pulse was racing, and my breathing grew uneven under the potent rush of love that had consumed me.
“It’s good those girls apologized to you. That’s the least all of us can do. They were right. We’ve done a lot of shit, but I was the one to blame the most. It was wrong.” He looked away. “I felt powerless, confused with my life, my feelings, my fucking mind. I was so frustrated and unable to contain all that anger in me. So I lashed out. I lashed out at my family, at you, at the whole world. It was only a temporary fix that didn’t lead me any closer to my salvation.”
He brought my hand to his mouth and kissed it, meeting my gaze. “But you pulled me out of that dark place. You were there for me, even though I didn’t deserve it, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain to you what that means to me. You were my wake up call. You gave me the strength to fight against that dark part of me.”