Beth wanted to laugh. She knew they were trying to lighten the mood, but she just felt confused.
As though reading her mind, Jonan grabbed a T-shirt from the sofa, pulled it over his muscled chest and drew his hair back into a neat ponytail at the nape of his neck.
Beth closed her eyes, forcing herself to ignore her thumping heart. She wished his beautiful angular face wasn’t as clear on the back of her eyelids as it was when she looked at him. ‘I’m always bad-tempered in the mornings.’
There was something different about Jonan that Beth couldn’t put her finger on. He seemed lighter somehow and that jarred with the darkness she felt closing in on her.
‘This should help.’ Doriel handed out steaming mugs of coffee.
Jonan sniffed one, closing his eyes and groaning. ‘You have no idea how much I need this.’
‘He says to the woman who sat up with him all night.’ She rolled her eyes. This time Beth gave a tentative smile.
Jonan winked, holding her gaze.
Doriel ushered Beth to the sofa. Beth sat on the soft cushions, but held herself stiff, ready to bolt if she needed to. She wasn’t sure why she felt so on edge but relaxing just didn’t feel safe. She took a large gulp of coffee and the scalding liquid burned her mouth. She gulped it down, opening her mouth and pulling in the cooler air in order to calm the smarting.
‘Are you okay?’ Doriel put a hand on her back and Beth flinched.
She held up one hand, creating a barrier between them, and then reached over to put the coffee cup on the table. She was already pulling her hand away when she felt it wobble, and couldn’t quite grasp the handle with the tips of her fingers. The cup rocked and fell over, tipping coffee everywhere.
‘No!’ Beth clapped her hands over her mouth, staring in horror at the mess.
‘My phone,’ Doriel shrieked and grabbed it up from the pool of coffee that was congealing between the piles of magazines. She shook the phone, but the screen was black. She pressed the button, nothing.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll take it in to the shop today. It’ll be fine.’ Jonan took it from her hand. ‘I’m sure they’ll be able to fix it.’
Doriel looked about to disagree, then her gaze flickered to Beth.
‘I’m sorry,’ Beth whispered, trying to hold back tears. ‘I didn’t mean it.’
Doriel took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again, she seemed a lot calmer. ‘Of course you didn’t. Look, you have coffee all over your clothes. Would you like a shower? I can lend you something dry and clean to wear home.’
Beth nodded.
Doriel opened one of the doors on to the living room. ‘Here,’ she said, going in first, opening a pin-neat cupboard and taking out a white fluffy towel. Doriel put a hand on Beth’s arm. ‘I know you don’t understand everything that’s happening, but we can help if you give us a chance. Tell Jonan how you’re feeling. I’m not talking about a declaration of love, although feel free to do that if you choose. But he has a responsibility to help you and he can only do that if you talk to him. He won’t take your feelings personally. Please, just talk to him.’
‘What do you mean he has a responsibility to me?’ Beth shook her head. ‘And why would my feelings not be personal? Is there anything more personal than emotion?’
Doriel leaned against the door frame. ‘Has he told you anything at all?
‘He said he’s here to wake me up, and we have to do something about Amelia. But I don’t want to go anywhere near her after yesterday. She’s dangerous.’
‘Yes.’ Doriel nodded. ‘But she’s only dangerous in her ability to manipulate people. She taps into the human fog that gets in the way of your cosmic hearing. We all have it. Anger, fear, disappointment, all those emotions come from human experiences, and stay around us like a thick mist, keeping us contained and blinded. In order to wake up, you have to start clearing all that gunk away. When you were shut in the theatre yesterday, Amelia plugged into your fears and lit them up like fairy lights. Now you have a choice. You can either face them in glorious detail or join the flow of people navigating Amelia’s fear-based rapids. If you’re ready to woman-up, we’re here to help and support you. If you choose fear, you’ll have plenty of company without us.’ She patted Beth’s arm, and then closed the door behind her.
Beth stood in the bathroom, hugging the towel to her chest. Her mind had turned into a strange and confusing place. The spirits from the theatre were gone, but a protective warmth now surrounded her. The bathroom smelled of lavender and that gave her a strange sense of safety that was at odds with the swirling pit of fear in her stomach. She wanted to lash out, to blame Jonan, Doriel, Amelia, everybody else for the turmoil. She was fighting the impulse as hard as she could, but she knew she had to either give up or reach out to Jonan. This wasn’t a one-woman job.
She saw Jonan in her mind, his eyes pleading, chest bare, his body supple even after sitting still all night. She felt warm. Saw her cheeks flush in the mirror. Something stirred in her. Was it anger? Fear? She had tried to reach out to Jonan before, but he had knocked her back. It was the same pattern she’d faced her whole life.
‘It has to end,’ she whispered.
She stepped into the shower hoping the hot water would pound some feeling into her deadened skin but, though she turned pink, the ice only spread, numbing her whole body.
She towelled herself off and was about to put on yesterday’s crumpled clothes when she spotted a pile of clean things that hadn’t been there a moment ago.
‘They’re for you to wear,’ Doriel called through the door. ‘Let me know if you need anything else.’
Beth pulled the clothes on, not caring that Doriel had come in while she was showering. The cold inside her was taking over. Nothing mattered any more.
‘Breakfast?’ Jonan smiled as she walked back out of the bathroom. He gestured to the small table in the corner of the living room. It was set with three plates of scrambled eggs and hot, buttered toast. ‘Would you prefer coffee or tea?’
‘Whatever’s easiest,’ Her voice was flat, but she couldn’t muster the energy to do anything about it. She felt so tired. Her body had turned to lead. She could see the hope in Jonan’s eyes, could see this might have been her chance with him, but it didn’t matter enough any more. Following a dream was just too much effort to contemplate.
Jonan frowned and glanced at Doriel. He walked over to Beth and put his hands on her shoulders. ‘Tell me what you’re thinking.’
‘Your hands are warm.’ Beth shivered.
Jonan lifted her chin with one finger so she was looking into his eyes. They were deep and blue with flecks of gold that mesmerised her. A purple tinge around the edge of his pupils shifted as his gaze deepened.
‘Stop reading my aura,’ she said, pushing him away. ‘Isn’t a girl allowed any privacy?’
‘Not when she’s acting this out of character,’ Jonan said, but he stepped back. ‘Please, eat. Hopefully you’ll feel better after.’
‘I’m fine now. Thank you.’ Beth shoved the eggs around her plate for a few moments, and then pushed her knife and fork together. ‘I need to get to work.’