“You are a truly terrifying creature, and I find the more you speak, the more terrifying yet endearing you become.”
“Does that mean you think I’m good enough for your brother?”
“I think you may be the most perfect punishment for him.”
While I’d meant something entirely different, being the perfect punishment for the Devil would do if I got what I needed out of him. “That’ll work. So, see you soon?”
“I will see you soon.”
I hung up, and I smiled.
The archangels appeared on my doorstep, and only the color of their wings distinguished them. I sighed at their lack of nipples, clucking my tongue and shaking my head. If Michael had kept the nipples he’d put on earlier, he might have classified as male perfection. “What a waste of such beautiful chests.”
“You have a severe chest fixation,” Michael replied, and he gestured to his brother, who had red bands on his otherwise pristine feathers. “This is Gabriel. Arguably, we have the best relationship with our fallen brother, so that is why he has chosen to accompany us to our brother’s door.”
“What an interesting human you are,” Gabriel said, his tone amused. “You will find my brother’s chest quite attractive, I do believe.”
“Does he have nipples?”
“He has all of the parts you, as a woman, find appealing.”
Nice. “So he can make good use of his incubus powers?”
“Indeed,” Gabriel replied.
“Seduction of your brother is not off the table if it gets me what I want, and I do not have a problem with his tragically monogamous ways. I’m a selfish bitch, and I do not have any intention of sharing should I select a man.”
Michael chuckled. “You are hardly a bitch.”
“Have you met me? I’ve been planning murder all day, and I’m going to take over hell so I can murder the bastards, send them straight to hell, and resume what I started. This is not a job I wish to leave unfinished.”
The archangels, for headless beings, had quite the stare.
“What?”
“I have never met a human so capable of good yet also so capable of evil,” Michael admitted. “It is quite startling, really. You have a strong capacity for kindness, but then I listen to you, and I realize your capacity for kindness is only equal to your capacity for…”
“Evil? Cruelty? Savagery?” I thought about it. “Cruelty might be the word you’re looking for. And you’re not going to hurt my feelings admitting that. I plan on making that mafia outfit pay for what they’ve done to my brother. I am assuming, for better or for worse, they have done the same or worse to others.”
“Would it soothe you to find out they have?” Gabriel asked, his tone curious.
“Soothe isn’t quite the word I’d use. Would I intensify my efforts? Absolutely. If they’ve done this to others, it’s pretty obvious the justice system isn’t going to do jack shit for the other victims or their families. I’m happy to cut checks on their behalf and dish out the suffering.” I frowned, opened my front door, and gestured for the archangels to come inside. “This house isn’t much, but it’s what we have. I inherited it because my mother was worried Jonas would make a mess of things. I can’t say she’s wrong. I guess putting my brother on the coffee table counts as rude, but at least I’m keeping the television on for him so he won’t get totally bored while he’s a chipmunk.”
The archangels walked to the coffee table and leaned over, which implied they had heads and peered at my brother in his glass prison.
Jonas squeaked and retreated into one of his tunnel toys.
“I guess he’s not really all that fond of archangels. I’m sorry he’s being rude.”
“Your brother does not have your good tendencies,” Gabriel informed me. “His nature recognizes us for what we are, and he avoids us as a result. You have sufficient good tendencies to not be offended by our presence.”
“I’m offended by your lack of nipples.”
Michael laughed. “Then you may find our brother appealing. His chest is much like ours, although he prefers darker skin, and he takes a great deal of pride in his physique. Darker skin hides the soot, and he’s quite vain. He would spend many hours of every day preening if he had our pale countenance.”
“So, you’re saying he’s a black man with a perfect chest? Are his nipples perfect?”
“He is any color he wishes to be. He adapts to where he goes. If you want him to be pale for you, he can do that. If you want him to be dark skinned, he can do that. If you prefer the complexion of a bronzed Greek god, he can do that. He prefers pitch black skin because it makes it easy to hide the soot and reveals the sins of humankind with ease. He takes advantage of that. He will play to your prejudices.”
“I see.” I frowned, as I certainly categorized people by their appearances, although I tended to keep an eye out for would-be rapists and the type of men who became loan sharks. “Let’s say I wanted to storm his gates and take over the place in an efficient fashion. What would win me the war? Because really, I need him dancing to my tune sooner than later so I can take on this mafia outfit.”
Gabriel chuckled. “You could, I suppose, try asking him nicely. I do not believe that has been tried before.”
“Really?”
“He is who he is, and most who approach him do so expecting to bargain. They will tell him what they desire, he will counter, and the bargaining begins. No one asks him to do anything for nothing. A price is always expected.”
“Interesting.” I opened the lid to my brother’s cage, plucked him out, and set him on my shoulder. “We have to go to pay the Devil a visit, Jonas, so stay there, behave, and try not to get kidnapped by some lesser devil or demon. I do not want even more work. You’ve given me too much work as it is. So, how does this work? How does a mortal make a trip to the Devil’s door?”
Michael pointed at my brother’s sporty car. “You can take that to a gate, or we can teleport. It would be safer for the vehicle should we teleport. It will be less comfortable for you. However, we will give you the address to the gate so you may storm his residence at your leisure.”
“Obviously, I am in your debt for this.”
Gabriel waved his hand and a black leather briefcase appeared and hovered in the air. He took hold of the handle and offered it to me. “You will find the contents of this useful. Consider us as paid in entertainment at our brother’s expense. He has granted His blessing for our involvement, and He has granted us the freedom to deal with this situation however we see fit.”
“But why? I’m just…” I waved my hand to take in our plain home. Having a home put us ahead of the game, but not by much. “Frankly spoken, we’re poor as dirt.”
“The beauty of mortals is their ability to change this world, for better and worse. This is not linked to how little or much you make. You seek to sway the Devil. Should you accomplish your goals, you will change this world.”
I considered that. “I could run his many hells like a real dictator and make people want to clean up their act so they don’t get an invitation to deal with me in a dungeon. I could inflict a lot of suffering given a dungeon and a good reason.”