The archangels spread their wings and fanned their feathers.
The Devil raised a perfect brow. “And should I get ideas?”
“I have claws, and I’m not afraid to use them. I’m not nice enough to spice or grill your sausage before shoving it down your throat.”
Both archangels vanished in a flash of silvery light.
“Damn. Think they’ll come back to help me get back to Earth? Because I have a lot to do to bring down those fucking loan sharks.” I thought about it and shrugged. “Whatever. I don’t know what they’re getting upset over. It’s not like they even have nipples. Have you seen those two? Ruining those otherwise perfect chests through a lack of nipples. Offensive, that’s what it is.” I pointed at the Devil. “You better be packing nipples like the painting, or I’m going to have to go siege the heavens to have a talk with Him about this travesty.”
The Devil stared at me, his mouth hanging open.
I planted my hands on my hips. “What part are you having trouble with?”
“The entire damned thing, really.”
“It’s simple. Loan sharks shoved transformatives down my brother’s throat and forced me to watch while holding a gun to my head, now one of the bastards sent me some rose petals and invited me to show off my assets for his enjoyment. I’m going to bring their entire outfit down, I’m going to use you to do it, and the only payment you’re getting is watching me torture their souls for however long I fucking see fit using your dungeon. It has to be stocked with everything I need to make sure their stay in your hells is particularly heinous. If they ever get out of this joint, they’ll put angels to shame in their purity and good nature.”
The Devil canted his head to the side. “You’re going to kill them, send their souls to me, take over my many hells, and torture them in my dungeons while I watch? Not only will you torture them in my dungeons, you will do so until you give their souls a major alignment adjustment. Did I hear you correctly?”
“That sounds about right.”
“First, you have no guarantees of the souls’ final destination.”
“The archangel said they’ve done far worse to others. If He allows that sort of filth in His heavens, well, I guess it’s a damned good thing I don’t give a shit if this ends up my permanent residence. I’ll work hard to earn it, since when an archangel says I’m going to hell, I believe him. On the bright side, I get to secure some justice for others in the process. That means I’ve got about a week to dig up as much on these fuckers as I can. I’ll show up and show off my assets, and I’ll wipe the fuckers out at the same time. I mean, I’ll have to hit some of them sooner, so I’m really pinched on time. What’s your next complaint?”
“Do you have any experience working a dungeon?”
“No, but I spent a lot of time fantasizing how I’d peel the skin off the fucker who raped a friend, leading to her suicide.”
“Hmm.” The Devil prowled around me, trailing a finger along my shoulders before flicking my hair. “You could practice on him if you wanted.”
I froze, sucking in a breath. “You know who did it?”
I’d searched, but I’d never found the bastard. I supposed it was for the better. Had I found him, I would have carved justice out of his flesh and made my brother look like an angel in the process.
“I am the Devil. That’s child’s play for me. The rules of the heavens are simple enough. He never welcomes a rapist into his heavens. It is a supreme violation. Those souls all come here one day, no matter how remorseful those souls might be. He is not as forgiving as humans like to believe. The remorseful do not stay as my guests—”
“Fucking assholes,” I corrected. “They are not guests. Guests enjoy privileges.”
The Devil sighed. “Very well. The fucking assholes who show true remorse do not stay in my hells for long before they are evicted back to the mortal coil to see if they’ve learned their lesson.”
“You rehabilitate souls, and you use torture methods to do it,” I stated, regarding the Devil with a frown. “That so doesn’t match your reputation.”
“I’m the Lord of Lies, not the Lord of Sunny Afternoon Strolls. Why would I use other methods to do it? It takes true punishment to leave a mark on a seed of life or a soul. During the End of Days, my count of souls matter, but in the meantime? Why keep the fucking assholes longer than necessary?”
Huh. I understood the Devil a lot better than I did his brothers. “So, will you help me? It’s a good deal for you.”
“I fail to see how this is a good deal for me.”
“You get to do your thing, but you’re doing it at my say so, so whenever your underlings annoy you, you can just blame me for the edicts they don’t like. I’m assuming you have underlings.”
“I have devils and demons, yes. We’d be here for half an eternity if we discussed their types. I have generals who control facets of my army, and I have the army, but until the End of Days, they’ll bicker amongst themselves and annoy me. They rarely like any of my edicts.”
“Well, I’ll carve chunks out of them if they get mouthy about your edicts, and I’ll use your dungeons to do it.”
“It doesn’t work that way.”
“It does when I’m running the place.”
The Devil frowned. “I suppose if it is your hells, it is your rules, but I will tell you this much: neither my demons nor my devils will at all appreciate that.”
“They aren’t supposed to appreciate it. They’re supposed to stand the fuck in line and do as they’re told to avoid it. If they walk the straight and narrow, then they won’t have chunks carved out of them, now will they?”
“So, you want to take over, have me work as normal, and take the dissenters to my dungeon, carve punishments into their hides, and teach them to never cross you?”
“Correct. And if they’re just an annoyance, you can do the carving on my behalf. I might just observe while looking bored. Do you think it’s more effective if you’re doing the carving while I watch? I could work with that. It’s only a few years. I’m sure it won’t tax you too much. It’s not like mortal years are long for you, right? You’re eternal. You’ll blink, and I’ll be gone.” I shrugged. “Or become one of the fucking assholes in residence.”
“Let me take this from the top, simply so I can be certain I understand this situation correctly.”
“All right. Shoot. I’ll correct you if you get it wrong. I expect I’ll have to correct you often.”
He laughed. “You’re such a bold woman.”
“Well, I am a cat, I’m pissed, and I have a brother to save. You’re the only divine in the entire fucking universe who can help my brother, so here I am. I’ve bargained with one pantheon to get this far, and I’m not dumb enough to bargain with you.”
“You’ll have to bargain with me if you want my help.”
“No. You’ll help me because you find this whole thing amusing, it’s hardly more than a blink of your eye, and you’re bored.”
“We’ll discuss that part of this arrangement later. You want to rule over my many hells, have me installed as your second-in-command, and maintain ruthless discipline over my demons and devils.”