The Devil’s attention snapped from my brother to me. “You have got to be kidding me.”
“Absolutely not. Originally, I was just planning on conquering the place so I could make use of the dungeons until I’m done with my dirty work, but after getting a look at you, I definitely need to add you to my conquering. Michael, why wouldn’t the succubi want him? He’s hot. I mean, he’s the Devil, so it’s not like I have to keep him long term unless he’s that good, right?”
“I already told you succubi dislike monogamy, and for all his faults, my brother typically prefers his women one at a time. To pay them proper attention, or so he claims. He does not like admitting his angelic nature makes him wish to indulge in monogamy. The succubi do not wish to be monogamous for all eternity, nor do they wish to have the responsibilities of being the Queen of Hell.”
“I don’t care about titles, I just need to run the place for a while,” I replied.
The Devil’s mouth dropped open, but he remained silent.
I took another look around the entry, snapping my fingers at the doors. “Stop air conditioning the outdoors.”
“Are you serious?”
“Absolutely.”
The doors closed. “How am I in this woman’s debt, Michael?”
“She secured the safety of an infant you hold responsibility for, and she has done so for a period of sixteen years.”
I raised a brow, narrowing my eyes while considering the archangel. “You’re playing both of us, aren’t you?”
Maybe I couldn’t see Michael’s head, I suspected the asshole archangel smiled. “Perhaps.”
“You know what? I don’t care. Look, Mr. Devil, I need to use your hells for a while.” I pointed at my chipmunk brother. “Some assholes did this to my brother, and I’ve the word of an archangel these assholes are in some serious need of justice, and you’re my best chance of securing that. Killing the fuckers isn’t good enough. After I kill them, I want to come here and continue my dirty work until they’ve paid for their sins. All of them. And the one? He sent me rose petals and implied I should showcase my assets for him.”
The Devil didn’t bother to hide his head-to-toe visual examination of my body. “Any man with functioning eyeballs would want your assets showcased for his enjoyment.”
“Thank you, but I really can’t afford to have some man—or fallen angel—distracting me right now. I’d really like to make use of your hells for a while. What do you say?”
“Perhaps, for a price.”
“You already owe me. I’m also worried. You look pretty, but you don’t look pretty reliable.” I circled the Devil, admiring the cut of his suit. “Michael, is this an incubus thing? Are they all like this?”
“An incubus does need to appeal to their target to work their magic. It is much harder to entice a human who has no interest. My brother has had many ages to hone his skills.”
“That’s nice, but I’m not here for a good time. Well, not that good of a time. He’s definitely worth admiring.”
“It disturbs me how honest you are being about this. What an interesting human. You acknowledge your attraction for his current form, but you will not indulge in your human nature.” Michael laughed, fluttered his wings, and shrugged. “It seems you have met your match this time, Lucifer.”
“I think not.”
Well, that wouldn’t help me accomplish my goals. “Let’s try that again. Would you please loan me your hells for a while? The duration will be determined by the completion of my plans. These include revenge on the assholes who did this to my brother, restoring my brother to an at least humanoid shape, and taking care of some other business involving a little girl who’ll be a woman by the time I make my moves. I’ll decide precisely what I’ll do later for that.”
“That’s rather open ended,” the Devil stated in a rather unamused voice.
“Yes, and? It’s not like you have to kiss my feet and call me baby. You just have to do what you’re told. Mostly, you’ll run the parts of this place I don’t feel like handling, inflict the appropriate amounts of punishment on the fucking assholes in residence, and help me accomplish my plans should I require your assistance. I’ll try to inconvenience you as little as possible,” I promised.
The Devil narrowed his eyes. “But what if I’d like to kiss your feet and call you baby?”
I shook my head. “Sorry, but I think not. This is business, and I’m not mixing business and pleasure. I’m sure you’re a pleasure. You definitely look like you’d be a pleasure, but I’m here for business, so you’ll just have to convince a succubus to play with you for a while. You would probably have better luck with them if you set a time limit of maybe four or five hours. Have your fun, tire her out, tuck her in to bed, leave a chocolate on her pillow, and invite her to pay you another visit if she liked it. Maybe start a bachelorette contest to see if any of them happen to like your brand of sexy.”
The Devil stared at his brothers. “Did you really bring a human woman to my house so she could give me advice on my sex life?”
“I did not expect her to give you advice on your sex life, my dear brother, but I am honored to have witnessed it,” Michael replied. “I would like to mention she rejected you.”
“That hasn’t happened for a while,” the Devil admitted. “I suppose there might be some succubi who could put up with me for an extended period of time. This idea of leaving chocolates on her pillow seems rather absurd to me. Most of them run away if I even think I might like to keep her around for a while.”
“Most women like chocolate,” I informed him. “Well, some. Personally, I prefer iced coffee after exercise, but chocolate is nice enough.”
“Iced coffee?” the Devil blurted.
“Yes. It’s coffee that is served on ice, usually with extra cream and sugar.”
“Why did you bring her here, Michael?” the Devil asked. “She commits terrible sins against coffee.”
“She asked me nicely, I know the sins of the group she wishes to take on without any help at all if she can manage, and it would bring justice for many. You would also harvest many souls as a result.”
“That’s no reason to bring this sinner against coffee here. It’s like you want her to take the place over, and she might take my proper coffee away from me. Sugar and cream, over ice?”
The more the Devil talked, the more I enjoyed offending him. Ruling over his many hells might prove even better than expected, especially if I could annoy and offend him daily.
Then again, perhaps not, especially if he convinced his succubi to visit his residence. I couldn’t compare to a succubus. I wouldn’t even come close.
“Now that you mention it, yes. That would be interesting.”
I giggled at the archangel’s tone, which came across as bored more than anything. “I’m happy to only mostly take the place over, as long as you do what I say. I’m sure it’ll be no more than a few blinks of your eyes. Also, if your incubi get ideas, I’ll cut their dicks off and feed it to them. I’ve made it through life this far successfully telling asshole men no, and I have no intention of changing that game plan now.”