“Deal. I’ll pick the spot after I have these fish in my possession and have approved of their new habitats. They’re treasures, so they get excellent habitats so I can show them off to those I don’t like. Belial, it is possible to get more of this substance should I need it, yes?”
“Of course.”
“Okay. What’s this about kidnapping me?”
“You will be impaired, and being kidnapped will be well within your capabilities while you’re suffering from your poisoning. Lucifer can satisfy himself rescuing you once the main work is done and I have secured your new pets. I will safeguard your pets while Lucifer indulges in one of his fits of temper.”
“I do have quite the temper,” the Devil admitted. “Indulging is my specialty.”
I bet it was. “And how are you going to kidnap me?”
“You will go to one of the addresses your brother has, and I will snatch you with witnesses, and I will have some of my lesser devils lure them to the appropriate locations. They will be disguised as humans, of course.”
“Okay.” I eyed the Devil. “Get your protesting out of the way now.”
“If Belial wishes to forge an alliance with you, I’m not going to stop him. Try not to abuse my devil too much, as while he is annoying, he’s very good at his work.”
I found it amusing he thought Belial would need to be protected from me. “I’ll think about it. The only rescue I’ll particularly require is from this poisoning, so that’s your problem.”
“Yes, it is a problem. I dislike maintaining this ruse.”
“Deal with it. Belial, try not to damage any of my spots. He gets unreasonable about my spots.”
“I have noticed this,” Belial replied. “Your spots are safe, although I fear for my sanity.”
I pointed at the Devil. “You live in one of his hells. Were you ever really sane to begin with?”
“You make a good point.”
Pointing at the Devil led to trouble, as the Devil leaned over and gently seized my finger between his teeth.
Right. I dealt with the Devil, and he was not a sane or sensible being.
“I’m sorry, Belial. You have to deal with this all the time, don’t you?”
“He does not usually handle females in this fashion.”
“Well, aren’t the other females basically succubi seeking sex or demonesses of some sort?”
“Yes. He does not indulge in mortal women often.”
“Oh, joy. I’m an exception.”
“You are. If he’s busy playing with your finger, he will stay quiet, so let us attend to business while he’s amused. I have, as you have requested, gathered interested succubi, taking the time to make certain they are aware His Most Sulfurous Majesty is seeking a permanent partnership. I took the liberty of notifying them that you have taken over, and that you will be observing the festivities.”
Something about Belial’s tone warned me of trouble. “Did you tell them I’m competition?”
The devil shrugged. “He is suckling on your finger as you won’t give him anything else. It seemed only fair to warn them that they compete against a mortal woman capable of bringing His Sulfurous Majesty to the point of desperation.”
“It’s more of a nip than a suckle,” I replied. As I could be an asshole, I reached over with my other hand and smoothed the Devil’s hair, which was in dire need of a good shampooing and some conditioner. “Your home environment isn’t doing you any favors.” I concentrated, shifting my hands enough to remove the fur up to my wrists before rubbing strands of the Devil’s hair between my fingers. “Belial, as I have zero doubt I’ll forget by the end of the day, I need to take him somewhere to do something about this disaster. If he’s expecting me to keep my fur soft and pristine for his enjoyment, this mess needs to be addressed.”
“Are you planning on grooming his hair for your enjoyment?”
The Devil definitely counted as handsome, and if he softened his hair a little, I could see myself losing hours toying with him at my leisure. I shrugged. “Sure. Maybe if I make him pretty enough, I’ll make the succubi work to get a chance at him.”
“I suspect His Most Sulfurous Majesty is more interested in you giving him a chance at this point in time.”
I stared at the Devil, aware I’d reduced him to the equivalent of a prized toy in my head. “Are you an idiot?”
Both archangels choked, excused themselves, went outside, and laughed hard enough I could easily hear their chiming amusement through the door. Whatever. If the Devil’s brothers wanted to laugh, I saw no reason to begrudge them their fun.
The way I figured it, they lived in the heavens, which seemed like a rather stiff and stuffy place.
“It really is,” Belial replied.
“Is there any way to stop you devils from reading my mind?”
“There are ways, but there is no time to teach those ways to you right now.”
The Devil released me and straightened. “I will teach her.”
Belial smirked.
I wiped my finger off on the Devil’s sleeve. “I have some rules for my kidnapping. First, no violations. I know you devils like your violations, but you’re just going to have to bide your time and violate someone else, preferably one of the fucking assholes or some willing person seeking violation. Second, you can tie me up, but the Devil is going to have to massage out all the kinks later. Third—”
“I accept your terms,” the Devil interrupted. “Will I be rewarded with a spot for the proper massaging of all your kinks?”
When phrased that way, I realized I’d stepped in a filthy trap, one occupied by one hell of a man. Did the Devil count as a man? I frowned and stared at Belial.
“Yes,” he replied. “For your purposes, he does.”
Okay. I could work with that. It was just a little filth and perversion, and if I was going to delve into the dark depths of perversion, why not aim for the Devil himself?
“That would be the toxin talking, as it already begins to impair you.”
Well, shit. “Okay, so I’m out of my right mind. That’s fine. Back to my rules before I forget what they are. Third, I can’t remember the last time I had something to eat at this point, so one of you has to make sure I’m fed dinner while I’m a captive. Don’t let me eat my new pet fish.”
The Devil chuckled, pulled out his wallet, and handed Belial a card. “You know what to do.”
Belial took the card and disappeared, leaving behind a faint hint of brimstone.
“This whole mind reading thing is weird.”
“It has its uses, including my ability to have an entire conversation to Belial without you being aware of it.”
“Except now I’m aware of it.”
“You’re unaware of what we were discussing.”
“I’m not going to remember his name by the time he gets back from that errand, will I?”
“Very probably not. Belial is particularly talented at judging a human’s state. He enjoys knowing how much ruin he can bring when he toys with mortals. He’s able to tell even the minor changes, the ones you’re unaware of.” The Devil reached out and touched my forehead. “The toxin is attacking here. It will spread soon enough. Michael?”