“Your spots. I require them.”
“And I require new fish. And?”
The Devil screamed his frustration, startling the collection of succubi whining all over the sitting room floor. “Please.”
Excellent. I’d trained the Devil to use a new word. “Better. You may have a new spot once we’re home from dinner and finished with creating mayhem and gathering at least one new fish for my tanks. You’ll have to wait until my fish is settled in his or her new home, however. I’ll also need some fish that enjoy being together, because single fish look sad.”
“They’re supposed to look sad. It’s a punishment!”
“The catfish are cute together.”
“I have no objections taking you to stores to pick new mortal fish for your enjoyment.”
“My next fish I will be picking out in person, and they will be fucking assholes who get a taste of their own fucking medicine. Am I clear? And if I’m not, allow me to clarify the situation: I’ll bite your fucking hands off if you try to touch a damned spot until I personally see to those fucking assholes!”
The door into the sitting room opened, and a taller, tanner version of my brother stepped into the room, and I turned my ears back and hissed. “And you’re a fucking asshole, too! I should put you in a tank for a year and claw that pretty face just so you learn your lesson.”
The Devil got up, strode to my side, and wrapped his arms around my waist, lifting me off my feet. “Somebody needs dinner, and then she needs a nap. Once she’s had her nap, then she can be coddled in disgustingly sweet fashions. But somebody needs a nap.”
I struggled and kicked my feet in protest of losing my ability to go claw at my brother’s face. “You made him prettier!”
My brother raised a brow. “Should I come back later?”
“That’s quite all right, Jonas. She’s just tired. Unlike my succubi, she resisted taking a nap, so she’s tired, cranky, and hungry. You were correct about her enjoyment of fish, so thank you for that tip. I’ll require you for our trip out, as she seems determined to handle her business. Your first task will be to play as a chipmunk in her home, and as soon as she is only tired and cranky, you’ll direct us to the first of our targets. We’ll see Belial on our way out.”
“What about them?” Jonas asked, gesturing to the succubi littering the floor.
“They’ll be fine. Once the incubi stop strutting around, they’ll drag them off somewhere. They should be happy with me right now, but no. They’re all whining.” The Devil shrugged. “Well, the ones coherent enough to whine. And even those seem to have resumed napping. Really, what are they even trying to do?”
“Why are you asking me?” Jonas asked.
“That’s a damned good question. I really don’t know. You’re so wet behind the ears you disgust me, and if I didn’t need you as security for Darlene and to maintain appearances, I’d just leave you here to stay out of trouble.”
Jonas shrugged. “I can’t say I didn’t earn that.”
“Who are you and what have you done with my brother?” I demanded.
“Darlene,” he complained.
“That’s better. Do that some more. My brother whines and causes me trouble. He does not accept responsibility for his stupidity. You need to act normally, or I might not be able to cope with too much change at one time.”
My brother stared at me as though I’d lost my mind.
I crossed my arms over my chest, grunting at the pressure of the Devil keeping me off my feet so I wouldn’t kick my brother with my weaponized shoes. “Seriously? You think I’m nuts for wanting you to behave normally? I should stab you with my shoes! Come here and take your stabbing like a man or whatever the fuck you are now.”
“Well,” the Devil began, and then he set me down, although he kept a firm hold on my waist. After a long moment of silence and a sigh, he continued, “I believe he is startled because you’re openly more aggressive than he is used to. I’m just turned on because it’s sexy watching you want to kill someone. I don’t want to take you to dinner now. I want to seduce you.”
“I need dinner,” I growled. “After I’m done eating dinner, I need to kill my brother. Wait. I can’t kill him. Damn it.”
“I find your irritation very attractive.”
“Jonas, tell him what I do when I’m hungry.”
“If she doesn’t bite, she cries,” my brother reported. “And nothing is scarier than my sister crying because she’s hungry and is too angry she’s hungry to handle her hunger problem, and once she’s that hungry, she becomes emotionally unstable and inclined to kill people. I recommend offering her something to eat and stay quiet until she’s eaten enough she is no longer unstable.”
“Is that true, Darlene?” the Devil whispered in my ear. “I have trouble believing you cry over anything.”
“It’s ugly crying, I splotch, and if I’m wearing fur, it falls out from stress and I end up patchy. Nothing upsets me more than patchy fur. I lose spots when I’m patchy. Entire spots, just gone right along with my fur. I resemble a mangey mutt when I’m patchy due to stress shedding.”
“Unacceptable. I will not stand the loss of even a single spot.”
“My fur grows back.”
“Still not acceptable.”
For fuck’s sake. “Just get your ass on the move so I can have dinner, give me a baseball bat, and point me at one of the fucking assholes.”
“Baseball bat? Why do you want a baseball bat?” the Devil asked.
“I’ll just fucking beat them and you can then make them fish and I’ll nurse them back to health in my tanks. Look, I’m hungry, and you promised me steak.”
The Devil grinned at me, rested his hands on my shoulders, and pushed me towards the door. “Then let us be on our way. It won’t take long to get what we need from Belial. Jonas will just have to deal with the sting when I force his transformation as he has yet to learn how to control it himself.”
“This is going to suck,” my brother predicted.
“Oh, you have no idea how right you are,” the Devil promised.
Belial gave the Devil a bag and a box along with a stern warning to be careful with the contents, as they were among his most potent. Without waiting for an acknowledgment, he vanished in a plume of vile-smelling smoke. With that portion of our plan completed, we addressed the matter of my brother and deceiving any idiots who might check in on my home to see what was going on.
I suspected the Devil made Jonas’s transformation as painful as possible to remind me of the various sins of those I meant to crush under my pretty heel. My chipmunk of a brother whined and waved a furry paw at the Devil, and I carried him around on my shoulder. Teleporting to my home left me dizzy and with a headache, and I frowned.
“Your body has been under a lot of strain, and I’m not as gentle with teleporting as my brothers.” The Devil scooped my brother off my shoulder and put him in his cage on my coffee table.
“How did you know?”
“I cheated and checked, but only because I was expecting it to have some adverse consequences. We will be traveling to dinner in style, and I requested a tray of appetizers to tide you over until we arrive. I’d rather not teleport you again right now, so we’ll be taking a limousine. It will also make a statement when we arrive. I’ve had various demons and devils spread some whispers around to streamline our work.”