The Devil laughed and kissed my cheek. “As you’re determined to earn your proper place in hell, kidnap him for a time, train him on how to be a proper minion of yours, and release him back into the wilds when you have given him an assignment. This one is more useful to you alive, and while he is misguided, he has not strayed too far. He’s redeemable, and he has family.”
“You’re lucky the Devil likes you,” I informed the survivor. “Fetch my bat and my shoes, and you’re lucky I can’t stand the thought of having anyone work for me without pay, so you’ll even get a decent salary, even if I have to mug the Devil to make it happen.”
“I’m not paid,” the Devil complained.
“Yes, you are.”
“I am? I haven’t received a paycheck.”
“You’re paid in access to my spots, so be quiet before you take a pay deduction for poor behavior.”
The Devil clacked his teeth together in his hurry to shut up or lose access to my spots.
I rolled my eyes. “Just take us to my office so I can put my new fish in their tanks and take care of my stupid head. I’d rather not bleed to death today.”
The Devil sighed. “That implies you’re willing to bleed to death another day. I’d really rather you not bleed to death at all.”
As I couldn’t argue with him, I shrugged. “You’re right. What’s next?”
“I’m going to take you home, tend to your forehead, and tuck you into bed. I’ll then make certain your new pets are settled and pay our latest resident a visit to give him a taste of his future. It will be a most bitter brew. I’d say you can watch, but some things a man has to attend to on his own, and I am very displeased over what he had planned for my wife.”
“I had no idea you were married,” my new minion admitted.
“He hasn’t married me yet, I just foolishly signed away my marital status to the Devil for a bat and a body.” I regarded the body with a frown. “I hadn’t planned on how to dispose of the body.”
“You don’t dispose of it. His victims deserve closure, and his body will provide that. The only person to witness your rather brutal and effective act is now on your team if he knows what’s good for him.”
“He deserved it. That said, you may want to deal with that powder he threw at you. It’ll make you very sick. He has the antidote in his pocket.”
“Oh, no,” the Devil replied with a wicked smile. “I’m leaving the antidote for the police to find. It does more good where it’s at. Darlene, I’ll handle your care personally, and it wouldn’t do if I robbed you of being able to nestle your pretty head against my chest.”
I purred. “It really wouldn’t do at all. Chop, chop, Lucifer. I don’t have all day.”
Seventeen
You just want to steal your brother’s thunder.
I could feel Gabriel’s regard the instant we appeared in the Devil’s bedroom. “You are a menace to yourself, Darlene.”
As I couldn’t argue with him, I nodded. “I’m poisoned, and my audition to become a unicorn flunked. Now I have a headache, but I think it’s from my failed audition to be a unicorn rather than the poison.”
With the archangel to keep me company, the Devil teleported out of the bedroom and took my pet fish and my new minion with him.
“Yes, I see your head is bleeding rather severely. Why did you audition to become a unicorn, and what did you use for this audition?”
“It was a glass vial that held the poison, and one of Gallo’s asshole buddies threw it at my face. His aim? Honestly, it was pretty good. Belial got ahold of Gallo’s asshole buddy, and some dog devil got the other one. I got Gallo, though. I just about knocked his head clean off with a bat. Unfortunately, I seem to have bargained away my marital status because I’m stupid and really wanted that bat. Apparently, I have received the gift of a minion, however, because I can’t just kill some guy who decided to do as told unlike his buddies.” I pointed at the pale wood bat, which the Devil had cleaned when teleporting it to his bedroom. Our bedroom. “That bat is trouble, and the Devil made me do it.”
The archangel took hold of my chin in one hand, lifted my head, and touched my forehead with the other. His chuckle relaxed me. “My brother is quite good at tricking mortals. He has no shame, and he was quite motivated to get you to bargain with him. Of course, from what I can tell, he truly was not expecting you to remain awake and feisty for so long, so he is worrying himself more than necessary.”
A soothing warmth spread across my face. I sighed and closed my eyes. “That feels good.”
“I have limited your ability to feel pain for a while, as the blend of poison and trauma would leave you with a rather severe headache quite soon. Lucifer could have handled this himself, but he is less practiced than I am, and his power tends to come bundled with a price of pain. He does not wish for you to endure any more discomfort than necessary. I am also better at eradicating irritating toxins from mortals. I feel my brother has begun addressing the issue of your mortality, but for some reason I cannot fathom, he has not finished the process. I do not wish to peek, for my brother often thinks lewd thoughts, and I would need to purify my soul.”
I laughed at the idea of an archangel trying to detox himself from his brother’s perversions. “I have noticed he is a fan of being naughty. He likes unicorns a little too much, and he feels a need to compete with his creations. I’m not going to fall over dead, am I?”
“You will not fall over dead. The injury from your unconventional horn will cause you some pain for a few days, but it is no big matter. There was minimal damage done to your skull, and the conversion process will help you heal. There are benefits to a gradual conversion, although you will find life a little easier when you are the queen over all other succubi and they do not feel they can challenge you. The groundwork has been laid already.”
“You just want to steal your brother’s thunder.” I wouldn’t begrudge the archangel’s rivalry with the Devil.
The Devil had a disturbing tendency to make such things enjoyable.
“I absolutely do wish to steal my brother’s thunder. He will mind his own business for years while making sure you have full control over your new powers. Physically, you are heavily fatigued and require rest. Completing the conversion process is simple. Truthfully, he’s done most of the work, so he can claim full credit for your conversion. I would just be giving you a nudge so your body finalizes the changes to your genetics, which would take place over the next two or three days if I do not give additional nudges. I suspect my brother intends for you to rest for the next few days anyway, so he won’t notice if you finish the process on your own. It’s also why you’re so easily provoked right now. You have quite a lot of devilish energy coursing through you. My brother can be quite determined and enthusiastic when he wishes to be.”
No kidding. “Anything I should know about that?”
“When your conversion is over, you will be very interested in my brother, and you will become rather violent towards men who are not my brother. Your brother will mostly be safe from you, as in you’ll permit him in your space, but you would be wise to entertain my brother for a few days before you interact with other men. That is a little gift from Him, so your new nature does not create problems you do not want. It does not hurt you are naturally inclined towards monogamy, much like my brother.” Gabriel tilted my head to the side, and I wondered what he stared at and why—and how beings without heads looked at anything at all.