I’m way the hell too far down that road before I realize it. Backtracking is painful. I force my mind off sex, glancing around the crowded room at all the happy faces, all the couples. I have the strangest feeling of having my face pressed up against the window of a life I don’t understand, yet oddly crave. A life that would kill the dreams I’ve had since I was a kid, and I’ve got my dad’s Never settle, cupcake rattling around in my brain. Which drags me right back to Ben.
But then, it seems like all my thoughts eventually lead me back to Ben. I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. The guy talking mechanics laughs at something he’s said, and I join in, praying he’ll just keep talking so I don’t have to actually engage.
I wonder if Jana was Ben’s one true love. Maybe he isn’t following through with me because he can’t face being with another woman. My father’s death was awful and heart wrenching. Even ten years later, I get misty-eyed when I think about him, and I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose the love of your life, the mother of your children. Yet, Ben handles the subject of her death with a kind of grace that’s hard to explain. Reverence, yet acceptance. And he’s managed to get a real handle on his life, his girls, his career. But maybe sex with another woman just isn’t something he can deal with yet.
I’ve always been the most together person I’ve ever known. I’ve worked hard to keep my finances secure, my heart intact, my memories good, my experiences valuable. But Ben’s got me beat by eons. I’m so damned impressed with him, he’s really knocked me on my ass. Who knew his triumphs over his hardships could be such a turn-on?
A couple of the mechanic’s friends come over, and I greet them easily, fall into conversation, effortlessly talking about nothing. I guess that’s a talent you develop when you’ve lived a third of your life with strangers.
They’re also both young and attractive, yet neither light me up any more than the mechanic.
Since Layla and Levi got engaged, my world has really tilted on its axis. Dinner with Ben and being part of that sweet family unit for even just a few hours didn’t help matters.
I’m so fucked here—at this party, in this town. Hell, in my own head. Nothing seems to fit quite right anymore. I feel like a square peg trying to force myself into a round hole. But returning to work on the cruise line doesn’t feel like any better an idea.
I return to the moment feeling empty. The phenomenon of loneliness has always puzzled me. How could I be in the middle of a crowd, my two best friends within sight, yet still feel lonely?
Neither Laiyla nor Chloe looks ready to leave and there’s no such thing as Uber or taxis in this place. I’m sure Levi would take them home. I wouldn’t even mind leaving and coming back to pick them up, but I know if I mention it, they’ll both cut their evening short and go home with me, and I already feel like enough of a wet blanket as it is.
I knew I should have driven my own truck here.
Fuck it, I’m going to walk back. It’s not that far.
I tune in to the conversation, alert for a moment to break in and excuse myself. A touch against my arm coincides with all the men’s gazes lowering. I follow their line of sight and find Violet grinning up at me.
I lied. I can imagine falling in love. But not with a man. Violet’s in a party dress, her hair done up in two fishtail braids with sparkly bows. “Oh, Violet, you look beautiful.”
I may have seen her almost every day since the first day she wandered to the dock, but the sight of her all dressed up still squeezes my heart. And tonight, her smile definitely reminds me of her dad.
I turn toward Violet and catch sight of Ben. He’s greeting other people near the door, Jazz in one arm, Poppy holding his free hand. The girls are all dressed to the nines, right down to their patent leather Mary Janes. It must have taken him forever to get out of the house.
He’s in Dockers and a button-down dress shirt, the sleeves rolled up on his forearms. I have no idea how he makes such boring clothes look so damn sexy, but somehow, they hang differently on his muscular, fit body. I’d trade three bad boys for a night in his bed any day of the week and ten times on Sunday, but based on how distant he’s been since I had dinner at his house, I’m not holding my breath.
Our gazes meet, then his darts to the men I was talking to, and back to me, and he mouths, Sorry. Which makes me realize the guys are waiting for me to return my attention to them.
I glance over my shoulder. “Great talking to you. Excuse us.” I drop into a crouch in front of Violet. “Let me see this beautiful dress.” She spins. “And your hair. I’ve never been able to do the fishtails. These are gorgeous.”
Violet’s face is glowing. “Daddy did them. He’s really good at it. I bet he’d do them for you.”
That image makes me laugh. I would have guessed the braids were done by her aunt or grandmother, but Ben has impressed me yet again.
I take her hands in mine and inspect her fingers. “Were you able to get the grease out from today?”
“Yeah, Daddy used a scrub brush.”
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. This kid is all about her daddy. It warms a deep place in my heart. I guess I see some of myself in Violet. A Daddy’s girl, through and through. I have no freaking idea how Ben does it all on his own.
“What are we gonna do tomorrow?” Violet wants to know.
“I think that will have to be a surprise,” I tell her. “I haven’t decided yet.”
Ben comes up behind Violet. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I look at Poppy and Jazz. “You two look gorgeous.”
“Thank you,” Poppy offers with a shy smile, then pulls on Violet’s sleeve. “Let’s do crafts.”
They’ve set up kids’ craft stations around the room. When Violet looks at me, I nod. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
The two run off, and Jazz wiggles to get out of Ben’s arms. “I ’na go.”
Ben makes an exasperated sound as she slips to the floor. I step out of the way, pushing my hands into the back pockets of my jeans with an understanding “Go.”
He turns away and follows his girls through the crowd.
I’m watching them, my heart strangely heavy, when a guy comes up to me and puts out his hand. “Toby.”
I shake his hand. “KT.”
“I’ve been hearing about you. I’m thinking of becoming a marine technician and would love to talk to you about it.”
It only takes ten minutes of conversation to realize he doesn’t even know what a fucking marine technician is. He just used it as a line to get into a position to ask me out.
I’ve had it with this crowd. And I’ve almost convinced myself I’m done with this entire situation. I can always leave my money in the investment and go back to a ship. At least there I can control when I get hit on. At least there I can get sex without complications.
I head out onto the back deck and welcome the crisp air and silence. Tension fades, and I feel lighter, yet my heart is still as unsettled as my mind.
I lean against the railing, tip my head to the sky, close my eyes, and breathe deep. Yeah, it’s me again, all you crazy angels. Can you let me know if I’m in the right place? I don’t know if I should stay here or move on. I could use a sign.