CeeCee and Brandon are not so stealthily watching our interaction from the barbecue, and I wonder what they think of this situation.
Regardless, I hate having an audience. This is when I heave in a deep breath and turn around. I just need to escape these claustrophobic feelings. I’m always doing this now, but it’s the only thing that feels right anymore.
“Please don’t chase me, Caiden. You always think you need to run after me, but let me explain that when I walk away, it usually means I don’t want to be near you.”
I head the opposite direction, my bare feet picking up speed on the shoreline sand. I have a goal in mind, and I know my goal makes me a sadist.
I make it far enough away that I can’t hear my friends arguing any longer. My shallow breaths match my frantic steps. My eyes keep darting to the left in search of something very specific.
I have a favorite tree, and I’ve been gone so long, I worry I won’t be able to find it. This only adds to my frustration, but my feet keep going in hope, until sure enough my eyes lock onto the very thing I’m in search of.
I inhale deeply, trying to gather my wits as I move forward, drawn to it because to my relief it’s still wonderfully recognizable. But just like me, this town, and my friends—it’s aged. The trunk is thicker, the branches longer, the tree taller, but one very clear mark distinctly shows on the dark bark.
I make it to the tree, running my fingers over my name and Caiden’s carved into the trunk. Feeling that sticky sense of regret and longing all at once, but nostalgia, too, as my fingers dig into the carved wood. Five years did nothing to the clarity of our names that Caiden would repeatedly drag his pocket knife through in our younger, more carefree days. At the time this carving felt like a life promise, but now I don’t know what it means.
This spot was ours, and I always liked that it was a far enough escape from our friends, but also a homey niche by the lake that felt like ours.
“Hailey…”
I leap around, feeling caught in something terribly embarrassing. He knew exactly where to find me. The curve to his lips as he approaches tugs at that heartstring that I wish someone could put scissors to.
“Please. I want to talk,” he says.
I lick my lips, staring at him getting closer and closer until he’s right in front of me.
“It’s all you’ve been saying, and it’s all we ever do,” I reply. My hands are flying everywhere as I heave in a deep breath. “And ya know what? I think I’m the only one who gets the short end of the stick here with our talks. You get to ask all the questions, as if you’re the only one with a problem.”
His brows are tense as he watches me. He looks almost mad, but then again, also a little sad.
“I’m sorry, Hailey. About everything,” he says into the void, watching me.
A huff escapes me, my eyes trying to carve myself into him now as I turn to face him more completely. “I kept thinking being here was going to get easier, but it’s only getting harder.”
“I know. That’s not what I want.”
“What do you want, Caiden, because for the life of me I can’t figure out what that is. Your sad looks, or funny jabs, or the way you stare at me like you want to hold me but push me away. I can’t take it. None of this feels fair.”
“Ask me,” he says placing himself right in front of me; too close.
“Ask you what?”
“You’re right. I’m the one with all the questions, but it’s only because I never thought I’d get the opportunity to ask them, so I’m all over the place trying to get answers to things I never understood. Your book flipped my world upside down, and coping with that all these years has been hard. Ask me whatever you want.”
Being put on the spot so suddenly, I lose my train of thought, and I try not to stare at the fact that his swim trunks hang effortlessly on his strong, perfect hips. The V dipping into the waistband of his shorts is as defined as much as our names in this stupid tree.
“I don’t know where to start, other than with what I’m feeling right now.”
“Then say it.”
I don’t hesitate. I’m sick of overthinking. I need answers just as much as he does. “Why didn’t you chase me then, all those years ago? Not that I needed to be chased, but why not try harder? It seems so easy for you now. You never once considered doing the long-distance thing for me. If you love Kristen more, then I understand, but just say it and I’ll drop this whole thing. Just tell me the truth; you’re not going to hurt my feelings.”
Lies.
He lets out a long sigh, his eyes dropping to the ground. He runs a hand over his chin, then tugs on his bottom lip. His eyes are blazing as they pin me to the spot, so much so that I take a step back, stumbling into the tree behind me.
“I did chase you.”
He doesn’t go on. He lets the words hang. I try and process them, but it doesn’t compute.
“You did not,” I respond.
He steps forward, looming over me. Our bubble is back, and I hate that I feel safe and that I’m not afraid of the honesty that comes with it.
“I did,” he repeats, but doesn’t elaborate.
“I would have heard about it.”
He shakes his head. “Brandon and CeeCee swore never to tell because it would have done more damage than help things.”
“What about my mom, did she know?”
His face falls. “She did, but she was also there for the aftermath.”
This fact stings. My mom never stopped shielding me from what she thought might hurt. Why does everyone have this need to protect me? Haven’t I proven that I can hack it?
“Caiden, don’t start a conversation you can’t finish, because this information is going to kill me, so you better explain yourself.”
He grits his teeth, and I can see the fear in the depths of his eyes. “After you left, I was a wreck. At first I was a hermit, occupying myself with staying home. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Your mom was sorta lost, too, without you, and to busy myself, I was over all the time, helping her with menial stuff. It was this stupid way for me to feel close to you. You dropped me and never tried to reach out.”