“You know, if that’s the case, Hailey, then why write the book the way you did? If it’s all about the fact I was such a dick and made you choose, then why write this alternate reality as the way to move on?”
My face is heating up fast, and I have nowhere to run with him so close. He’s talking about the one topic I’ve been dreading. The ending.
“I told you, it was cathartic. That’s the nice thing about writing fiction. You can write what you want.”
“Is that what you wanted then, Hailey? For us to work out?”
He leans in, the humid heat of his breath skimming over my lips, and I so desperately want to see whether he tastes the same, or whether he’d kiss me with the same frantic need he did when we were teens. But I’m finding I can’t breathe. Alarms are going off in my head. I’m not nineteen anymore; I’m twenty-four, with five years of heartbreak experience.
I close my eyes. I have to, in order to go on.
“Don’t you dare kiss me, Caiden Anderson. It’s not fair to me, and it’s not fair to your girlfriend.” My eyes fly open, and he leans back just an inch, obviously perplexed by my outburst.
My lips are stammering, but I try to keep my words crisp, licking my lips, wishing he’d kiss me anyway, but I know that it’s wrong. It’s all wrong. “You were right before. We can’t change the past, but what’s done is done. You have a girlfriend, and I’m here for only one reason: my mom.” My jaw spasms at those words, because that’s not entirely true, but I’m so hurt from the night before, and him standing before me, and the wanting look in his eyes, that it kills me. “Don’t forget, Caiden, I’m going to be leaving eventually all over again. So anything you might be feeling is only going to last a little while. I’d hate for you to do something you’ll regret, like kissing me. You’re going to go back to living your life that doesn’t include me, and that’s okay.”
I keep saying things are okay, but why does my heart tremble each time I say it?
“It’s not like that, Hailey.”
“It has to be; don’t you get that? I’m here now, but it doesn’t change the lives we built for ourselves. We had our chance.”
His face, only inches away from mine, tenses all over again, from the muscles around his eyes to the ones around his perfect mouth.
“Let’s stop pretending that there’s hope for us. I’m thankful for you, Caiden, I am,” I add even though each word, and each inhale and exhale, feels like sandpaper against my insides. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts.
“I missed you. It’s not supposed to be like this,” he blurts out as if to salvage whatever moment we had, but it’s not enough.
I shake my head, my eyes watering. I wish I could say the same because it would be true, but that’s not how this can work. I wipe the corners of my eyes. “Are you listening to me? Stop missing me, Caiden. Go call your girlfriend.”
He’s staring at me solemnly, hurt and regret riddled into every tense muscle in his body now. His eyes are trying to tell me something he can’t seem to say, and I’m too terrified of what it might be.
I sigh, finding the confidence I didn’t know I had as I step out of his encompassing presence and away from him. “I wish it wasn’t this way either,” I say, responding to his look. “But we just have to deal with everything now, Caid. We’re okay, please know that. We can be friends, but this whole emotional entanglement we have going on doesn’t need to be there anymore. Let me go.” My hand comes up to my chest, clawing at my heart, because if anything is painful, it’s those words. Telling him to let me go when I’d hate it if he did is excruciating, but I don’t take it back.
I take another step away. “And I know you’re going to hate this, but I’m bringing Gabe Samuels to the party tonight. Figured I should warn you.”
I turn around, starting my walk back toward our friends, leaving him to think.
“Hailey!”
I shouldn’t turn around, but there’s something in his tone that strikes a chord, compelling me to swivel around. “What, Caiden?”
Tugging on that plump bottom lip that’s as swollen as mine from being chewed raw with nerves, he says, “You asked me something earlier, and you need to know that it was never about wanting to be in a long-distance relationship. When I started to date Kristen, she was already living in Denver for school. I only did it because it was easier that way. Giving my heart to someone who I’d only see every couple weeks felt more doable than doing it all at once. I didn’t consider it when you left, only because the idea of not having you every day seemed impossible. I think it’s important you understand the difference.”
I nod. He smiles. I walk away hating that I didn’t get the last word.
Chapter Eight
My boots crunch onto the dry pine needles as I hop from my car. I pull in a deep breath, loving the smell of the raging bonfire I can already see in the distance. It’s almost more nostalgic than the pine smell it twists around.
I smooth my hands over my ribs, remembering it took me the entire evening to pick out a dress. And by pick out a dress, I mean pick from the four that I brought.
I stared. I tried on. I threw it across the room.
Rinse and repeat.
Sometimes I’d stop to pace the porch outside, needing a gust of fresh air as the day wound down since leaving the lakeshore.
The words let me go have been ringing in my head like a gong.
Why did I have to say those words?
I reassure myself that it was the right thing to say by putting one foot in front of the other, counting my strides until I’m at the party’s edge.
Peering down at my clothes, I tug down the hem anxiously, reminding myself that after the ruthless deliberation, I ended up choosing my strappy dark navy dress that cuts off on my long legs mid-thigh and fits snugly against my hips. I told myself it’s the warm, humid summer evening that had me convinced, but I’m beginning to question my own sincerity.
It’s like I’m playing with matches.
Which reminds me of the blazing bonfire, my eyes flying to the center, noticing the fire is lit from three large wood pallets piled upon each other, and around it the expansive area is packed with people. Music blares from speakers sitting on the back of a pickup truck next to another truck harboring the many ice chests of drinks. It’s the large bonfire, with its tall pluming flames, that acts as the centerpiece to the party, like a beacon.