A knock at the door grabbed my attention. “Mia, it’s Tyler.”
The breath I let out mixed with both relief and disappointment. A part of me still expected Ollie to follow. After opening the door, I let it hang there and returned to my desk chair. Tyler closed the door behind her and glanced over at me, feeling out my mood before taking a seat at the edge of my bed. “I don’t know what that was all about, but it didn’t last long.”
“I don’t care to know, Ty,” I rushed out, wiping my palms down my face. “It’s not him. He’s not the same.” Broken. Record. The automatic words became more natural to say, like “hello.”
Tyler’s doe-brown eyes scanned over me before she brought her hands into her lap and fidgeted with her fingers. “Listen,” she hesitated, “even he knows it wasn’t him. As soon as you left, something clicked. I may not know him like the rest of you, but it’s so obvious the bloke is a mess right now.”
“Good, he deserves it.”
The night terrors came back full force, but it wasn’t my cries that woke me. “Ollie … ” I heard myself say, but the moment Ollie’s name slipped from my mouth, the day before dawned on me and the ache returned.
“Ethan,” a muffled voice said before my mattress dipped from Ethan sitting beside me. “I thought with Ollie back this would be over.” The cold towel pressed to my forehead and instantly eased almost every worry—almost.
“Ethan,” I whispered, and opened my eyes. His mouth parted slightly, then closed. The lump in his throat bobbed. Blue eyes glowed against the moon’s light, and the red in his hair flared. “Why don’t you smile?”
Pulling away from me, Ethan removed the towel and rested his elbows over his knees. “I don’t have a reason to smile, Jett,” he scratched his stubble, looking back at me, “Not yet, anyway.”
“Why do you refuse to call me by my first name?”
Ethan wrapped the towel tight around his hand, thinking about his next words or avoiding them altogether. “What’s with all the questions?” He finally asked. “Go back to sleep.”
“Answer me.”
“No.”
“Lay with me.”
“No.”
“Just until I fall asleep?” My voice cracked in a plea, but I knew if I continued to push, he would cave. Somewhere inside, deep down inside, Ethan needed me this last year as much as I needed him. For different reasons, I was sure, but I never had to push too far for him to give up on his morals.
Ethan groaned, but the sound of his keys coming off his belt had my hopes take off like a rocket. Next went the taser, then the radio, laying each item over my desk carefully. He lifted the sheet draped over me. His eyes flitted up my bare legs, panties, and tank top. I inched back to give him more room, and he shook his disapproving head before climbing in.
“Turn around,” he ordered, his faint breath falling from his lips as he held up his head in the palm of his hand. Ethan bent his knee, planting his left foot over the mattress and twirled his finger.
“No.” I grabbed his hand and placed it at my side. Ethan froze for a moment and chewed his bottom lip. “I want to remember what it feels like to be close to someone,” I finally added. “Someone who makes me feel safe.”
Ethan dropped the arm holding up his head and sank beside me. His fingers moved over the exposed skin at my side while his other arm snaked beneath me, pulling me closer against him. “What are you going to do about Masters?”
My chin tilted to meet his gaze. “You know?”
I didn’t care if Bria, Tyler, Jake, or anyone else knew about what happened earlier in the day, but Ethan was different. I cared what Ethan thought about it. Every decision I made, for almost a year, depended on his approval. What would Ethan do? Would Ethan be proud of me? How would Ethan see me? It was strange, the way I starved for his approval like a father figure, looked up to him as a brother, wanted to be looked at by him as a lover, and wanted to feel close to him like a security blanket. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted from him, only the mere fact I was attached to Ethan.
“I know everything.”
My head shook. “It hurts, but I just have to keep reminding myself it’s not him.”
Ethan’s callused fingers traced circles over my back as his chest rose and fell heavily against mine. “Stay away from him. He’s going to kill you slowly, and I’m tired of cleaning up his mess.”
“I’ll stay away from him, but I’ll never stop loving him.”
“How do you know this?”
“Because love is constant. When you love someone, you can be angry with them, you can hate them, you can be upset or disappointed in them, but you never stop loving them because love endures all other emotions.”
“Yeah? And where did you learn this from?”
“Ollie.”
Ethan drew in a deep breath, and that was the last sound between us the remainder of the night. With his stubble pressed against my forehead, he rubbed my back until I fell back asleep.
Chapter Six
“I’m stuck between I’ll never be enough
and no one else will ever love you more.”
—Oliver Masters
ollie.
“OLIVER MASTERS, YOU’RE BACK,” Arty declared as soon as I took a seat on my usual chair during group therapy. My attention automatically sailed to Mia across from me. A constant reminder I was absolute rubbish. I tried talking to her all weekend, but she was smart and stayed away.
Maddie took a seat beside me. I rolled my head back and crossed my ankle over my knee. “Yeah, glad you’re back, Ollie.” Her filthy hand landed on my thigh, and I dusted it off with a bad taste in my mouth. Another reminder of the piece of shit I was.
Turning my head toward Jake beside me, I nudged him with my elbow. “I’m sorry, mate. I shouldn’t have said those things Friday.”
Jake pursed his lips and crossed his arms.
The silent treatment? Real mature, Jake.
Arty cleared his throat. “Let’s get caught up on everyone’s summer. I went back home to Egypt to spend the holiday with family, which can be demanding,” he chuckled, “I couldn’t wait to come back. How about you, Maddie. How was your summer here on campus?”
“B-O-R-I-N-G,” Maddie spelled out.
Mia laughed. “And here I thought she couldn’t spell.”
I stifled my laugh with the tips of my fingers and adjusted in my seat, stealing a look at my girl across the room. Mia smiled, but her eyes remained locked on Maddie. Even her fake smile was no longer intended for me.
“Oliver,” Arty re-directed, “Your summer?”
With eyes fixed on Mia, I responded, “Locked in a cell. Nothing to it.”
“Well glad to see you made it out in one piece.”
Arty continued to ask around the smaller group as my eyes feasted on Mia, waiting for her to see me. For a little trace or indication she still held on to us. Her finger twirled around a strand of hair as she bit her lip, and I could hardly sit still. My knee picked up the bloody bouncing, and all I needed was to feel myself inside her again. It was selfish, what I’d done and what I knew I’d continue to do.