“It didn’t always look like this,” he hardly whispered, but I heard every word.
I paused and crossed my arms, leaning into my hip as I waited for him to continue. Standing firm, but inside, all I wanted was just another second in his touch.
Ollie rose to his feet and dusted off his hands. “I never told you this before, but it took me two weeks to color coordinate these books. The first time I saw you reading in the mess hall, every spare second I had was in here, creating this space for you, trying to impress you.” He chuckled nervously and ran his fingers along the spines of the books. The same fingers that used to run down my spine. “This space was never mine, Mia. I mean, yeah, I found it. I was here first. This used to be my safe haven. But I created this space for you to run away to, to feel safe because that’s what you are to me. You’re my safe place.” He dropped his hand and looked back over at me. The lump in his throat moved as he swallowed. “To find out you never liked to read, I was the bloody fool all along.”
I shifted on my foot, digging my nails into my flesh to ease the temptation to reach out and touch him. “Why am I here, Ollie?”
“You tell me.”
“I can’t help it.”
“I can’t either,” he said, taking steps toward me. “I don’t know what’s happening to me. When I was gone and without you, I caved to the pills because the distance killed me. You have no idea what a mess I was off it. How I left things … I went mad in jail. Giving in was easier because I knew I couldn’t be with you. Now that I’m back, every part of me is fighting against it. I’m so back and forth. I’m going crazy.” He stood over me, us barely touching. I had to lift my chin to meet his gaze. “Does that make any sense?”
“You pushed me, Ollie … Right into Officer Scott.”
“I know”—his hands tugged nervously on his shirt— “I was angry you denied me. I thought you gave up on us, and I took it out on you.”
“You kissed Maddie, right in front of me,” I choked out, averting my eyes so he didn’t catch the pain lingering inside them. The image was on constant replay.
“God, I’m sorry,” his hand touched my cheek, bringing my eyes back to him, “I can’t believe I did that. Even while I was kissing her, my stomach was sick about it. But it wasn’t me, Mia, you have to know that. I’m not myself.”
His single, warming touch still managed to disentangle my tension. My shoulders dropped as I watched his gum peek from his parted lips. We stood so close, and I closed my eyes to breathe in his minted breath. When I opened them again, emerald, adoring eyes greeted me. “What do you want from me, Ollie?”
With his hands steadying himself over my shoulders, he briefly looked to the ceiling as if the words were written across the tiles. He always knew the right things to say, and when to say nothing at all. Yes, he silenced the world with his voice, but he was able to stop time with his silence, and every part of me hung on like a last breath.
When his head dropped back down to face me, tears pooled in the corners of his eyes, and that’s when I knew for sure it was Ollie standing before me. “I want you to love me anyway,” a single, lost tear trickled down his cheek, “Give me a year to get better, and I’ll give you a lifetime.”
My brows snapped together as my head dipped back out of his grasp. He couldn’t be serious. “A year? You want me to put up with that for a year?”
“Mia, I’m going crazy. I can’t lose you through this, but I can’t control myself either. It’s going to get worse, but I promise just one year. Give me a year. After Dolor, I’ll get off the pills, and we never have to look back,” Ollie’s words scrambled everywhere nothing like the slow and controlled tone I just had, already losing him. The struggle was evident in his eyes as they scanned my face, reading my reaction.
The only way I could get through the next year was not to watch him self-destruct. Knowing what we needed to do, a new level of ache flowed through my veins before attacking all vital organs. It already hurt merely thinking about it, and I knew the next words I was about to say would only double this pain inside me. But they were words that needed to be said to protect what we had. “I’ll give you a year, but in the meantime, we can’t talk—
“No,” Ollie immediately stated, shaking his head.
“You keep your distance and stay away from me.”
“No, you can’t do this…” both his hands gripped his beanie as he paced back and forth.
“I can’t see you like this. You can’t show up in my room. You can’t sit with me in the mess hall. You can’t mess with my head. You stay away for a year, and when we leave, I’ll give you my life. But don’t drag me down before then, Ollie. You may be able to climb your way out, but it took me eleven years to get here.”
Ollie rushed in front of me. “Because of me!” he painfully said with a shaken finger pointed at his chest. “You beat me up for six months, and I accepted you at your absolute worst because I fucking love you, yet you won’t do the same for me?”
Of course, I would do the same for him, I’d do anything for him. But I couldn’t say that. If I agreed to sit back and allow him to treat me this way, for him to plant more images inside my head, ones I could never shake away, like kissing girls, pushing and pulling me in all directions, making snide comments, or worse … I didn’t know if I could ever recover from it. In the end, he would expect forgiveness while I withered away in his aftermath.
“That’s not fair. I wasn’t on meds messing with my head. You are.”
“Let me get this straight. So, you’re up here,” Ollie said with a finger pointing up in the air, “and you forgot to take me with you,” another tear fell down his face as his chin trembled, “You lost your bloody grip on me.”
“I never lost my grip. You slipped!” It was my turn to cry, but my tears didn’t come out as easily as the guy standing before me. Mine struggled, each one a painful remainder of the words he left me with seven months ago. “No matter what, as long as you stay away from me until we leave here, I’ll still belong to you.”
“This is ridiculous,” Ollie wiped his face into his sleeve and drew in a deep breath, “I can’t stay away from you.”
“It’s the only way this will work. What you did in the hallway broke me. Seeing you kiss Maddie killed me even more. I can’t sit back and watch. There will be nothing left of me after the year is done. It’s the only way, Ollie. You have to stay away from me.”
Ollie’s face twisted, unable to comprehend what I’d said. His green eyes strayed from mine as if looking at me was too painful and ran a palm down his face, turning his back to me. “Dammit, Mia,” he managed to get out through each struggling breath. His palms hit the bookshelf as he leaned over and hung his head. “Are you so goddamn selfish, you don’t care what you’re doing to me right now?”
My head shook as I took a step back.
“What are you waiting for?” Ollie’s palms hit the bookshelf before he straightened his posture. He spun around to face me and slapped himself in the chest. “Go on and finish me off!”