“You can’t. It’s over. You have to let me go.”
I shook my head as I felt the color drain from my face. Everything told me I should walk away, but I couldn’t. All I wanted was to stay with him. I brought my hand to his face, and he froze under my touch.
“Please look at me,” I begged, and his eyes slowly lifted to mine. The hollow he had described to me so many times was there, but he was still there also, lost in his newfound darkness. He laid his palm over my hand, but he didn’t pull away. It was all I needed to keep going.
Lifting myself on my toes, I kissed him lightly. I’d never been so scared.
He opened his eyes.
“Mia …” He gasped as if it were his last breath, then kissed me back with his hands on my face, our lips holding on desperately, yet dangerously. But as quickly as it had started, it was gone.
Ollie pulled away and dropped his forehead to mine. He wet his lips as he slowly shook his head back and forth. He was slipping away before my eyes, and I didn’t know what else to do. “It’s your turn to stay with me,” I whispered.
Ollie pulled away from my hold and took a step back. The hands that once couldn’t stay off me were now in his pockets. The lips that once always wanted to be on mine, weren’t, and the eyes that used to always see me, couldn’t.
“I’m such an idiot.” He pushed out a harsh laugh that quickly dissolved. Looking me up and down, he took another step back. “Stay away from me, Mia.”
Then he left me alone in the hallway.
And those words knocked me to my knees. Each step Ollie took away from me propelled another blow to my soul, impelling more tears from my eyes, provoking every outcry, and only intensifying the pain in my chest.
He never told me to close my eyes,
but I closed my eyes anyway.
Epilogue
“This was love at first sight,
Love everlasting: a feeling
Unknown, unhoped for,
Unexpected – in so far as it
Could be a matter of conscious awareness; it
Took entire possession of him, and he understood
With joyous amazement,
That this was for life.”
-Thomas Mann
Six Months Ago
ollie
SINCE FIVE IN the morning, I’d been awake. Everyone had left around four, and I’d had too much to drink. It was a rare occurrence, me drinking, but Oscar always gifted me with bottles. Half of me wanted to believe he felt terrible for pinning the crime on me, so he dropped the bottles off once a week in my dorm; the other half of me was certain it was all a ploy, another way to control and manipulate me. Either way, fuck you, Oscar.
She couldn’t have been real, though—the girl from the mess hall. It happened instantly, my heart and soul coming to an automatic agreement, promising their all to her, and frankly, I have too much.
Too much heart and too much soul.
But last night, Jake and Alicia confirmed her existence. They said her name was Mia. How could a three-letter word sound better than poetry? Mia.
She’d sat at the table against the window, couldn’t have been more than thirty feet away, but my body had liquefied and turned into lava, wanting to flow in her direction. Everything had stopped. Though, she couldn’t have been real. No one could’ve physically affected me the way she did. It had to have been a dream—a mirage—a reflection of what I’d been waiting for. She wasn’t real, I’d kept reminding myself.
But she was. Her name was Mia, and she was fucking real.
They had invited her, but she hadn’t shown up last night.
I couldn’t get her out of my head.
The doors automatically unlocked and I grabbed my plain white shirt (the collar on the Dolor shirt was constricting), my black jeans, and fresh pants before heading out, slinging them over my shoulder. The morning was my favorite time of day. I’d always been a morning person. The smell was different in the morning. The air felt different in the morning. I breathed differently in the morning—a new day. I always felt the need to beat the rising of the sun. A sunrise was different from a sunset. When the sun rose, it spoke of new beginnings. When the sun set, there were no words to follow.
My head pounded—bloody hangover. Walking into the bathroom, I rubbed my fingers over my eyes. Another shower stall was already turned on. The water beat against the tile. Steam built across my skin. Something slowly changed inside me. I felt it before I saw it.
Her presence, it was overwhelming.
My hands dropped to my side.
Mia.
I only saw her, and she saw me.
Her eyes on me kept me steady. Her eyes on me allowed me to exist. Her eyes on me made me important. She made me feel like I was something to be in awe of. Something to be worthy of.
A somebody. Her somebody.
A rush of emotions washed over me as I stopped in my tracks. My feet were useless and unable to move. I felt lost, utterly lost, and I suddenly didn’t know where I was or how I had ended up here. I felt found, discovered by her, and I never wanted her eyes to leave mine. I felt scared, fucking petrified, if we lost this eye contact, she would disappear. I felt peace, undeniably calm in her existence. I felt resurrected, awakened, and I didn’t know how I had lived this long without this privilege of being in her presence.
The pounding of my heart was the only sound as everything else went silent. It beat so loud. Could she hear my heart beating? It was speaking. It told me I had found her.
There.
She.
Is.
There was the girl I had been waiting my whole life for.
I was so weak, it was embarrassing. Staying on my feet became a struggle, when all my body wanted to do was fall to my knees.
Dammit, Mia, I already fell for you.
And suddenly, everyone was wrong. Except for Thomas Mann. Thank you, Mr. Mann, for you gifted me words for everything this moment had brought me. Will Mia be okay with naming our first son after you? Little Thomas Mann Masters.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t force away the stupid smile on my face. I was smiling, and it was the first bit of movement my muscles were able to overcome since the shock.
If I didn’t speak now, I would scare her away, but I had forgotten how to speak. It was right there, just one word. Bloody hell. It came up from my chest. The word pumped from my own heart. The heart she now owned.
“Hi,” I breathed. Oh, good, I was breathing. I wasn’t fucking dead. I was alive, and she had become my heaven on earth.
She smiled, and I fell all over again. Her top lip thinned out when she smiled, but the bottom lip kept its perfect shape. I loved her smile. I wanted to kiss her smile. I wanted to wake up to her smile every blessed morning.