My thoughts always ended with Ollie.
That night, my own screams woke me. Ethan never showed. I kicked off my covers and peeled off my sweat-drenched looney bin sweater clinging to my body and tried to catch my breath.
The days that followed were the same, Ethan avoiding me during the day, and by nightfall, the fear of a terror kept me awake. Some nights I cried myself back to sleep, and some nights, I didn’t go back to sleep at all.
“You still having nightmares?” Bria asked as we sat around the circle during WASA—Women Against Sexual Abuse. We held our support group in the group therapy room before dinner on Thursdays. During the summer, we only had one other girl attend, but I was sure once the semester officially started in just a week, more would trickle in.
“Unfortunately,” I sighed, crossing my legs in front of me. We never sat in the chairs, always took it to the floors. It seemed less official that way. “And it’s like I’m back pedaling because I don’t even know what they’re about. My slate wipes clean every time I wake up.”
“You might have a sleeping disorder. Like sleep apnea, which can prevent you from remembering.” Tyler shrugged.
Tyler started Dolor this summer. Her, Bria, and I became friends during our meetings. Come to find out Tyler was as much as a know-it-all as I was. Our stories were similar. Tyler was raped about a year ago and couldn’t overcome the anxiety that came along with it. She’d hurt herself multiple times. After being thrown into a mental hospital twice in one month to protect her from hurting herself, she ended up here—cast and thrown from society like the rest of us. Tyler had long, blonde hair, but we shared the same brown eyes. She was shorter than me, but only by an inch. Her figure was fuller, but after a few more months, her weight would drop. It was inevitable, and she couldn’t wait.
“When did all this start?” Tyler asked.
“I had them when I was little … after the incident. But they didn’t come back until after Ollie left…” Missing him only strengthened with each passing day, and putting on a face for everyone to see became a daily battle. Torn between two worlds—life with Ollie, and life after him. Only, I never wanted or expected an after. My body and my heart both refused it, keeping me up each night, inducing the night terrors. He lingered inside my head, words always haunting me, his voice always reminding me of what we had. He’d left this beautiful trauma inside me, and the flame of what we shared burned.
This time, though, I wanted the flame to blow out.
The burn was too much to bear alone, incinerating me to nothing, only to wake up and relive a new day without him all over again.
“Oh, right … Ollie,” she sang his name. “It’s a shame I never got to meet this Ollie that I hear so much about.”
“Maybe Ollie’s absence is your trigger,” Bria chimed in. “Ever thought about that?”
“He did help me out of the long-term funk. Maybe I relied on him too much … I don’t know … anyway, let’s focus on you,” I pointed to Tyler, “You still on that medication the psychiatrist prescribed?”
“Yeah, Dr. Butala is a godsend that stuff is the holy grail. No anxiety. No depression. I’ve never been happier.”
Bria rolled her eyes. “I’m wondering at what point it will wear off. You have to get immune at some point, no?”
“Way to be positive,” I muttered.
“I’m just trying to be realistic. Medicine will only get you so far, and eventually their effects will wear off and you either have to switch to different pills or find the root of the problem,” Bria countered.
She had a point, but I didn’t want Tyler feeling defeated. We all needed to take it one day at a time.
“I don’t know, but this prescription I’m on has increased my libido or something. I haven’t thought about sex since the incident, and now I’m looking at every bloke that walks by having thoughts I shouldn’t,” Tyler confessed. “Not to mention … fantasies about Jake.”
With that, we all fell into a burst of laughter.
“This is good!” I laughed, trying to catch my breath, “We all sound like a bunch of horny teens.”
Tyler raised her hand. “Technically, I’m still a teen.”
And she was right, Tyler was still nineteen. I had just turned twenty while Bria turned twenty over the summer.
“Hey, New Kid looks like he could use a little fun.” Bria smiled.
“Jude gives me a bad vibe,” I admitted. After bumping into him in the hall before the cat incident, I haven’t been able to shake his grip or stare.
“Everyone gives you a bad vibe,” Bria countered.
That was true.
After crying myself to sleep, I woke to a dark room with a cold towel pressed against my forehead. “Ollie?” I blinked my eyes open.
“No, Jett. It’s Ethan,” Ethan answered, leaning over me with worry struck in his eyes. “It’s always Ethan.”
Without an afterthought, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer, only wanting his security and comfort to clothe me as I gasped for a steadfast breath. Unexpectedly, Ethan abandoned all principle and rolled over beside me, pulling me close. His strong arms pinned me against the heat of his body as his fingers moved the hair from my face.
“I’m mad at you,” I whispered.
Ethan sighed. “I’m mad at you, too.”
I pulled my head from his chest and searched his face. “What did I ever do to you?”
“You’re a constant distraction,” he explained. “Now roll over, Jett.”
Listening, I flipped over on my other side away from him and closed my eyes as the tears for Ollie fell like clockwork. Ethan gathered my hair and flipped it up off my neck before placing the cool towel at the nape like every night before.
Though, tonight was different.
Tonight, was the first night he had ever climbed in beside me. I wanted it to be Ollie next to me, but having Ethan did lessen the blow—a little. The tears still came as the memories preyed on me, weakening me. I clenched my eyes, and the visions emerged as my cries drifted into the night.
I was held captive by the love Ollie gave, and the future he built for us. But the day Ollie slipped away, I shattered. For seven months, I was left behind picking up the pieces.
And Ethan was on his knees, helping me.
I’d never asked him to, either. Though here he was, holding me as I broke away all the pieces he just picked up the night before—a recurring nightmare.
There was little Ethan knew about Ollie, only the fact he was Oscar’s brother who had been arrested for drugging Bria and myself and almost raped me. The first night I’d cried out for Ollie in my sleep, Ethan asked me why it was his name I screamed out for. Ethan couldn’t understand, and he never would.
Talking about Ollie only hurt more, so I avoided all unnecessary self-infliction.
Ethan’s fingers ran down my arms, giving my body silent permission to fill my lungs completely. “He’s gone, Mia,” he said in my hair with confidence. His arm reached under my arm, crossing over my chest, pinning me to his as if I couldn’t be close enough. “I’ll stay until you fall back asleep.”
After day bled into night, it became impossible to hide. Ollie wasn’t here to get me through it, and I was angry. Ollie had taught me how to save myself, but this time, I was drowning, and I didn’t have the strength to swim against the current of the pain.