He frowns but doesn’t argue as I remove my hand from his and cross the island in search of my first-aid kit. I think back to the first night I slept with Gus, the night he cleaned and bandaged my foot after I shattered a glass all over it. I thought he had left me when he didn’t. Instead, he tended to my wound and cleaned up my mess.
And today, a week after trading ‘I love yous’ he’s not here when he said he would be.
It renews my ire considerably.
My toe isn’t bad off and I didn’t split the nail, which is a miracle. I clean myself up, slap on a band-aid, and then turn on Florian, who is patiently waiting with an expression that gives me pause.
“Before I show you what I have to show you, you need to know, I’m doing this because I love you. Not because I want to hurt you. I’m trying to protect you, Naomi, and believe me when I tell you, I haven’t slept because I’ve been debating this all night.”
“Okay,” I draw out the word, gripping the edge of the counter so I don’t topple to the ground.
Florian releases a heavy breath and my thoughts skitter in a million different directions.
He shifts on the barstool, seemingly uncomfortable with the news he’s about to deliver. The suspense is killing me. “Florian, tell me already. I’ve had enough drama for one lifetime.”
He nods his head solemnly. “Then you really won’t like this.”
Florian takes out his phone, unlocks it, scrolls through until he finds what he’s looking for, and then slides it across the island to me.
I stare at the image, bold and bright, before me. It takes me a couple of seconds to discern what it is I’m actually looking at, but once I gain my bearings, it’s not difficult. With a shaky hand, I pick up his phone, bringing the screen, and the picture, closer to me when what I really want to do is toss it out the window so it can be run over by a passing car.
The phone begins to go dark and I reluctantly tap my finger against it, loathing how I have to touch the image.
“Where did you get this?” I ask, amazed at how steady my voice is.
“I took it.”
“What do you mean you took it?”
His dark eyes pierce into mine. “I was at the party, Nai. I saw him getting trashed and all over the blonde. I tried to ignore it. Ignore him, and for the most part, I did. But then I went upstairs to use the restroom and when I opened the door to that bedroom, that’s what I found.” He points to his phone in my hand. “I told him he was a fucking asshole for doing that to you and I took the picture. He laughed and told me to get the fuck out.”
I nod gently, but the longer I stare at this photo, the greater the swell of anger, hurt, and embarrassment rises within me. No, wait…lets up this a notch. We’ll call it fury, outrage, and total and complete humiliation. Not enough either? I agree, but my mind can’t think of proper similes and adjectives to portray this.
I mean, what sort of words should a woman use to describe her emotions when her ex-fiancé hands her a picture of her current boyfriend, shirtless with his pants half-undone, lying on a bed beside a blonde who is only wearing her bra and panties and his hand is cupping her fucking tit?
Gus’ eyes are scrunched as if the light of the flash is bothering him. His face is red, slightly sweaty maybe, and fucking cracked out. Hers isn’t much better, and a tidal wave of bile floods the back of my throat that is nearly impossible to swallow down.
How could you do this to me, Gus?
After everything I told him. Everything we’ve shared.
I tap on the screen so it doesn’t go dark three more times, tears swirling in my eyes. My chest so impossibly tight I can only suck in short, shallow breaths. Before I can stop it, I text the picture to myself.
An ironic, humorless laugh burst from my lips and I drop Florian’s phone, not even caring where or how it lands. It’s funny, or maybe not, I thought Gus was going to be different. I thought he understood. Hell, I assumed this type of pain had run its course with me. I was convinced I’d had my share and it was ready to move on.
Not so much.
Because this? This. Fucking. Hurts.
And it makes me feel so stupid. So weak. So loathsome that I went and fell for Gus the way I did, knowing his reputation, knowing his past, knowing where his heart still likely lived, knowing that nothing in my life is real or long-lasting.
Another burst of laughter hits my lips, this one beyond bitter.
I knew something this good couldn’t last. In the back of my mind, I knew the bottom would drop out. It always has. It always does.
“I bet you’re feeling pretty good about yourself now,” I snap at Florian because I have no problems shooting this particular messenger. I can be shitty with him all day long.
One night. One motherfucking party. And Gus does this? He texted me. Was he in bed with her when he did that? God, I’m going to be sick.
My hands grip tighter as my back bows, my head falling forward.
“Nai, are you okay?”
Is that a joke?
“No, Florian. I’m not. How on earth could I be okay?”
“I didn’t…” I hear his voice catch high in his throat. “I didn’t realize it went that deep for you with him.”
“Well, now you know!” I yell before I drag in deep breath after deep breath, trying to settle my stomach and my raging heart.
“Then I wish I had killed him,” he says resolutely. “I yelled at him. I snapped that picture and then I walked out. But I should have killed him. Punched him in the face. I don’t know. But I can’t stand you hurting like this.”
“Because he’s the first person to ever hurt me?”
“Don’t do that.” He rises up slowly, rounding the island and standing before me, tall and earnest. His hand comes up, cupping my cheek and dragging my reluctant gaze up to his. His expression is broken, likely reflecting my own. “I live my every moment in regret. Everything I’ve done since I decided to get sober has been about you. All of it. I love you. That hasn’t changed and it never will. Drugs were a poison in my mind, and they made me do things I would never have done if I had been sober. Can Gus say the same? I doubt it. He’s a notorious player, Nai. A user and a loser to be sure.”
“Does this make you happy?”
“Honestly, no. It doesn’t. I’ve hurt you enough and I know how wretched the stench and taste of it is. Please believe that my showing you this wasn’t to hurt you. It was to get the bastard out of your life because he does not deserve you. You needed to know what he was up to so you can protect yourself. Both publicly and privately.”
I blink up at him. Publicly. I hadn’t considered that. Great. Something more to add on to my misery. “Did you show this to anyone else?”
“No, sweetheart. And I won’t. The last thing I want is for you to be publicly dragged through yet another drama and breakup. I told you, I’m not trying to hurt you. Never again will I hurt you.”
I take a step back, forcing his hand to fall to his side. I can’t think straight right now. My mind is all over the place. “I’m gonna go for a walk.”
“May I come with you?”
I shake my head. “I need to be alone right now.”
Florian reaches out, taking my hand and intertwining our fingers. “Can I come by later? Maybe have some dinner with you?”