“Why is Henry here?”
“Ask him?” I shove against Casper’s chest. “You know what? You can go out there with him for all I care. My house is now a man-free zone.”
“Naomi!”
“Fuck off, Henry. I don’t want to hear it.”
“The plot thickens. And it actually makes me want to kick Gus’ ass more.”
I nod in agreement. “Ya know, I’m getting really tired of my life being a soap opera.”
“Naomi—”
“I’m calling security, Henry. Go back and tell your friend that I meant what I said. I’m done with him. With all of you.” I hear Henry gnash out a bunch of words I can’t make out and then he’s gone. Coward. Just like Gus. Fucking cowards, all of them.
“You okay?”
I shake my head. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. But I have to try to be, right?
“Boys suck balls,” I grumble under my breath and Casper laughs.
“Some do.” I roll my eyes at him.
“Come on. Let’s go make some music. You’ll get through this, Nai. You always do.”
I follow after him on shaky legs, a hollow, empty feeling consuming me as more tears threaten. A ragged gasp cleaves from my lungs as my muscles seize up. A heavy, sorrow-tinted darkness settles over me. Making me wonder just how long it’s going to stay or if Gus Diamond finally ruined me for good.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Gus
* * *
My mind scrambles through the hazy darkness, trying to force myself to remember what happened with that woman. And no matter how hard I push, I continue to come up empty.
At least with her.
I managed to remember walking up the stairs. The downstairs bathroom was occupied, and I needed to take a leak. I remember feeling dizzy, staggering up the stairs and not understanding why. I entered the dark room, undid the button on the top of my pants and then…nothing.
Nothing until Keith and Damion woke me up hours later.
Keith dragged me into my house and then into my bed. He forced me to stay until the doctor came and then that’s when the fun really started. He took some blood and poured some charcoal crap down my throat that made me feel like I was suffocating. He also told me that due to the way my body was reacting to the drugs, it was likely that the lovely woman who did this, gave me multiple things. He said we might have a better idea of what after the tox screen comes back.
He couldn’t tell if the woman…if I…if we…I can’t even think the words, let alone say them.
And then Naomi.
That picture.
I don’t even know who took it or how she got it, but it’s so brutal.
Shows so much. Me…with my hands…
Rolling over on the side of my bed, I dry heave into the trash bin that’s sitting on the floor. No matter how many times my body attempts to revolt, there is no escaping this nightmare.
Because Naomi is gone to me. Her trust and love annihilated. And really, what can I say to her that would bring her back to me? That I was drugged? That I don’t remember what happened with that woman?
Obviously, something happened with that woman.
That thought has me flopping onto my back, throwing my forearm over my eyes. My head is pounding, and my mind is fractured. Naomi won’t even listen long enough for me to get a word out, let alone that. And anything I said was crap because it’s all crap. Even if she did hear me, would it be enough? Likely no.
She’s given up on me and right now, I can’t blame her.
My body feels sticky and used and so wrong.
I don’t deserve Naomi. I never did. I certainly don’t deserve her forgiveness. But I want it. God, I want it, and her so badly. It’s a crazy thing to love someone so intensely that the very notion of living without them makes it feel like your life is ending. Like, how can I possibly go on if she’s not with me, type of shit.
I never felt anything like this when Viola walked away. Nowhere even remotely close.
How do you fight for someone after fucking up so irrevocably? With so much uncertainty hanging over you?
I hear the door to my room creak open, but I can’t be bothered to look to find out which one of my hovering brothers it is. I know they’re all worried about me. I know they’re not only scared about the fact that I was drugged and the potential future repercussions of that, but also because I feel like my insides are dying and they can’t do anything to fix that.
After Naomi sent me that picture this morning, I went a little nuts.
You know, punching walls, shattering glasses, screaming and breaking furniture, nuts. I don’t even know how I had the strength when I can hardly move now. Adrenaline is a funny thing. So is fear and helplessness.
“What can I do?” Jasper asks, and I shake my head back and forth, still shielded by my arm. “Henry tried to go see her.”
I laugh out at that. Why the hell would he do that? What on earth was he going to say?
“Let me guess, he didn’t get far.”
“No.”
“Awesome. Just go, okay? You guys can all go. I’m fine now.”
I hear Adalyn out in my living room and she shouldn’t be here. None of them should.
“Are you?”
“Fuck off, Jas. Not now. I really can’t with you right now.”
“You should take one of those sedatives the doctor left you.”
So I can numb the pain. So I can stop the spasm my body is overcome with—a side effect of the drugs, he told me. So I don’t have a seizure, because apparently, that’s still a possibility.
“I need to see her, Jas. I just…” I don’t even know right now. I’m a selfish bastard. But all I want to do is make this better for her. For us. To take away all the pain I caused because Naomi hurting is like shards of glass in my heart. Like a knife to the gut.
“Give her time to calm down, Gus. Give yourself time to recover. Then you’ll go to her. You’ll chase her to the ends of the earth and beyond. But you can’t do that right now, brother. Not before you know all there is to know about what happened.”
“And if that woman fucked me?”
“Then you’ll deal with that then. The doctor said your dick was clean of lubricants, spermicide or…fluids.”
A wicked scoff-snorting sound echoes from my chest. “All that means is that I didn’t wear a condom, or someone wiped me down after. That doesn’t mean nothing happened.”
“Give it time,” he says again, like time actually does heal all wounds and fixes everything that’s broken. Only he and I know firsthand that’s not the case. Some things are beyond repair. Some mistakes too big to take back.
“Right,” is all I’ve got left. But inside, inside I know I have to fight for her. And I can’t let this ride.
A painful spasm rattles my muscles from my bones, and I want to kill the bitch who did this to me. “Take the fucking pill, Gus.” I hear Jasper walk across the room before I’m being hauled up into a half-sitting position. A small white pill is dropped into one hand. A glass of water into the other. “Now. I’m not fucking around with you.” I blink up, staring into his troubled green eyes. My brother is worried about me and he doesn’t wear it well. “We’ll figure everything else out after.”