“I don’t follow. Do you regret it or not?” he asks carefully, keeping his feelings concealed behind an unaffected mask. I wish he could teach me how to do that.
“Both, Darius. I really like you. There’s this part of me that wishes it could happen again, but it can’t. I…” Running my fingers through my hair, I let out a groan before wrapping my arms around my stomach, and I meet his eyes once more. My chest feels almost dull, I feel as though I’m being weighed down by, well, everything. “Regret isn’t the right word, because I wouldn’t take it back even if I had the chance, but it doesn’t make it right. Do you have any idea what Emmet or his father would do if they found out? That thought terrifies me.” My voice loses the power I began speaking with, and my hand rubs at my chest as he looks at me.
He leans forward and claims my hands in his; he stares down at them as - I presume - he considers what to say next.
“If we had met at a different time or place, do you think you…” He trails off but I don’t need him to continue his train of thought, because Hell to the fucking yes I would have.
“Yes, I would have explored where this could go. Although, I probably would have just watched you from afar, too scared to act on it. I wish things could be different.” His thumb swipes across my cheek and I watch as he presses his lips together. He gives me a curt nod.
“I think it could have been great between us, Luna, and I wish I could think of a way to make it happen. The thing is, I’m a stubborn man, and I know a good thing when I see it. I can’t just walk away from this, but I’ll respect your choice if you tell me to forget about you, and I’ll try to do just that.”
My mouth parts and I suck air in through my teeth as my neck tips back, and my shoulders drop down. Why couldn’t he be an asshole? Better yet, why can’t I be stronger?
My voice is low when I finally remember how to talk, and I flip my hand over until my fingers are grazing his palm.
“Wow.” It’s all I can say as it comes out on a whisper, my mouth dry and my chest feels as though it’s expanding to allow for all the warmth he’s just filled me with.
“Tell me to forget about you, Luna. Tell me you don’t want me.” His voice shakes as he drops to his knees before me. This mountain of a man who risks himself for others is on his knees. For me.
I pull my hands free as they wrap around my body and my chin connects with my chest, I can feel the trembles that are taking over, and my chest suddenly feels tight.
“I can’t,” I choke out, my emotions making it hard to speak more clearly.
“Tell me why.”
“Because I don’t want to lie to you, but I can’t… I can’t do this. There’s so much risk and I… I,” trailing off, I can’t voice the words out loud to someone else.
“You’re in love with one of them, aren’t you?” He doesn’t sound mad, just curious.
I nod my head, not trusting myself to be able to form any words, and he smiles kindly at me. He slides his hands across my face, lifting my chin away from my chest, as he tenderly strokes my face.
“Is it just because of him?” I shake my head this time, and a surprise chuckle falls from him and I sit straighter, taken back by his response.
“Come on, it’s not that much of a surprise. I remember that chat we had over having feelings for people, I don’t know how I feel about it all, and I guess it doesn’t even matter. The thing is, I do feel something and I’m going to hold out hope that we can maybe explore it, but I won’t put any pressure on you.” He gets to his feet and brushes his lips across my forehead before making his way to the door. “I mean it, Luna. No matter what happens, I won’t regret whatever this is between us. Also, no matter what happens, your safety and happiness will always come first, I won’t jeopardize that.” I give him a shaky smile as he opens the door and takes up his position, and I’m left with my thoughts until Tucker comes back.
“Merry Christmas,” he says roughly, with a sheen of sweat covering his forehead, his Adam’s apple is bobbing furiously and his feet keep shifting from side to side.
“Right back at you. Are you okay?” I ask hesitantly. It feels like he’s miles away, and I’m gathering he’s not in a great headspace right now.
“Oh yeah, I’m great,” he grates out as he moves over to my counter, and looks at my baking supplies dotted on the side.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“You know what I want,” he fumes as he whirls around, but not before taking his arm and sweeping everything onto the floor. “I want people to stick to their agreements and I want you fucking women to stop screwing with my mind.” His feet are planted wide, and his eyes are glaring right at me.
“Hey, what did…”
“Seriously, what is wrong with you people? No matter how hard I try, you just throw it right back in my face. I can’t do anything right, can I? What the fuck do you want?” he yells, as he curls his lips, and slams his hands down onto the countertop.
I wipe my clammy hands over my leggings as I slowly get to my feet. My eyes are blinking rapidly as I stare at him, but I have no idea what to say. He flexes his fingers as he starts to walk toward me and I look around, trying to find an escape route.
“I-I-I’m s-s-s-sorry.” I’m shaking uncontrollably, and it feels as though there’s a rock in my stomach weighing me down and keeping me from running. Flight or fight, well, what about freeze?
“For fuck’s sake, I’m not going to hurt you,” he all but growls, and it does nothing to assuage the fear running through me.
He rolls his neck and cracks his knuckles before shaking out his arms and stalks over to me, and pulls me into his chest.
“Fuck, Tiny One, I’m not angry at you. Just women in general.” He laughs mirthlessly, but it doesn’t sound like a laugh to me. It’s too dark, too raw to be construed in that way.
“W-w-what happened?” I ask through a shaky voice that cracks half way through.
“Will you come somewhere with me?” he asks and I nod against his chest. I hate that I feel so scared of him. It doesn’t feel right to me, not with Tucker. Is this reaction because of Shane, the strangler, or something else?
We walk until we make it to their wing, and he leads me inside a room that looks as though a bomb exploded or maybe I should say, Tucker exploded. All of his things are across the floor, his sideboard is in pieces, clothes are in shreds, and his TV is face down with glass surrounding the area. The wall mount is hanging on by its hinges, and his chair is missing most of its stuffing. If it was a person, then their guts would be spilling onto the floor.
“Tucker, what did you do?” A gasp breaks free as I do a double take of our surroundings, and my hands drop to the side as I open and close my mouth like a fish out of water.
“I lost my mind. I thought I had got it out of my system, but I was wrong.” I watch him out of my peripheral as he strokes his chin, before turning me around to face him. I try to meet his eyes, but I keep returning to the disarray that is surrounding us.
“I really don’t know a thing about you, do I? Not the important stuff, like the reason you would do this. I get it, but if you can’t let me in, can you at least speak to someone?” My tone is soft as I smile gently at him. Pushing my own misgivings aside, he doesn’t need that right now.