Harsh, but maybe I’m right.
The rest of the break has been quiet, Tucker had to leave to take care of whatever made him trash his room, but he’ll be back tomorrow, and I have no doubt there will be some party for New Year’s Eve. I wasn’t disappointed that I missed the celebration last year, but now that I’m claimed and a higher number, I’ll probably have to attend.
I want to see D, but we haven’t spoken since she blew up at me. We still eat meals together, but it’s quiet and riddled with tension. I want to go and see her, but I don’t know what to say. Do I apologize? Is it even enough? I didn’t think I was being a crappy friend, but I can see it now. I should have been there for her more and not unloaded all my shit when I could see that she was struggling. No, I need to go and see her and try to clear the air, but first… I need to see Cole. Which means, I need to try to swing myself an appointment.
An hour later and I’m sitting in his office, waiting for him to come in. I can’t get my head around the fact that they believed my bullshit excuse of having migraines. Why that would even get me in here so easily is beyond me. It’s five o’clock, so he wasn’t around when I got here, but I know he’s on his way, and I can’t stop myself from rubbing my hands up and down my legs. It’s the only way I can stop my knee from bouncing, and it’s annoying me. I may have lied to get in here, but a headache is forming, thumping in the base of my skull. My stomach is fluttering like crazy and making me feel as though I’m about to vomit.
The door opens and my stomach bottoms out, only making me feel worse. I can’t help but worry that I’m going to pass out at any moment.
“Luna.” He rushes over, and I throw my hand up just before he can reach out to grab me. His smile is still in place, but he doesn’t seem as sure of himself.
“What’s going on? Is everything okay?”
“Can you sit down?” I ask quietly, my voice cracking on the words, and I have to clear my throat if I have any hope of getting this out.
“Hey, you don’t look so good. Are you feeling unwell?” he asks, with nothing but concern written across his handsome face. The same one I used to stare at and feel fluttery anticipation whenever I saw him. The one I dreamed of and wished he could only feel the way I did. And now that he does, I no longer want it.
“Cole, I’m so sorry.” My voice breaks and his eyes become drawn as his jaw tightens, staring at me as he shakes his head. “I can’t do this anymore, I have to let you go,” I whisper, so quiet he could have missed it if the room wasn’t so silent, and with nothing but the sound of a clock, tick tocking the seconds away.
“Luna, don’t do this please.” I hate that I’ve brought Cole to this point, but the sad thing is, there’s no other choice.
“Don’t you see, Cole? This is the only thing I can do. We could never work and I can’t have you waiting for the next year, when I know I won’t be coming out to you.” I swallow over the lump forming in my throat,
“I don’t understand what’s changed. I thought we were okay. That we got through the misunderstanding in the hospital. Why do this now?” He still sounds hurt, but by the way he keeps clenching his fists, I don’t think that’s the only thing he’s feeling.
“Because I can’t keep doing this, pretending that nothing has changed and trying to kid myself that what we have is remotely real.” His eyes widen and his mouth hangs open at my admission. Maybe I should have left that last part off.
“Well, it sure felt real to me. But I guess that doesn’t matter.”
“All I’m trying to say is that maybe what we called love was really something else, and we got it wrong. You said yourself you’ve had a couple of relationships, but you never once said you loved them. How can you be sure you really know what it feels like? Please understand what I’m saying, I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already am.”
“I’m twenty-eight, Luna. I think I know what love is.” He looks down his nose at me as he says this, and it gets my back up straight away.
“What and because I’m nineteen I must be wrong, that there isn’t a chance that you are?” Sure, whatever you say, doctor.” I don’t want to react to him. I’m the bad guy here and I can’t expect him to be all smiles.
“You’re the one questioning everything we’ve said, how can I not doubt that you even know what love is? Although, if you ask me, I just think you’re scared.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask, as I throw my hands up in the air.
“I think you’re scared of how you feel about me, and you’re too chickenshit to face it. You’d rather run away from something amazing than find out where this could go, because believe me, it would be amazing between us. Luna. I know it would.”
“Cole, please. I need you to listen to me, I don’t know how else to do this. The thing is, I have been through so much since I came to this place. I’ve done more things than I ever imagined I would and... I’ve had more things done to my body that I can even name.”
He squeezes his eyes closed and he repeatedly says, “stop.” I’m surprised he hasn’t thrown his hands over his ears and started saying ‘la la la’.
“Are you trying to hurt me?” he asks and I’m hurting myself, but I know it’s nothing compared to what I’m doing to him right now.
“No, but you won’t listen otherwise. Maybe I can’t say how you feel for me, but throughout all of this, I’ve discovered what being in love does to you. How it feels when you can’t be with that person, and how immense it is when you finally lock eyes on them again...” I sigh as I prepare myself for my final blow.
“Then why are you doing this? If you know how it feels?”
“Because I love you, Cole, but I’m not in love with you. I just didn’t realize it in time to stop you from getting hurt. Now that I know how it really feels, there’s no way I can ever mistake it, and I know that I can’t possibly... be in love... with you.” I look at him with what I’m sure are sad eyes before I stand up, walk over to the door, and place my hand on the handle.
“If you think you’ve fallen in love with one of them, then you really don’t know what love is. Enjoy your empty relationships and lifetime of regret,” he says it through a tear-stained voice, and I let his pain wash over me.
I hate that I’m hurting him, but it’s not breaking me, and that’s how I know I’m doing the right thing. I care enough to let him go, but I don’t love him enough for this to break my heart. There’s not even a fracture or dent to be found.
“Goodbye, Cole.” I wish my own tears weren’t starting to form, but I know I’ve made the right choice, even if I feel like a grade A bitch for doing this to him.
“Would you still want me if I had their last name?” My hand falls from the handle as I turn around to face him with my mouth agape, I can’t believe he just said that to me. “I thought you, of all people, wouldn’t have been taken in by all their luxuries and empty promises. I guess you were nothing but a Harkwright chaser after all,” he says it all through a sneer, his once dreamy eyes filling me with a sense of dread. Have I brought this side out of him or was it always there, lurking beneath his emerald greens?