I don’t know why I’m sitting here. After what happened, I haven’t left the Academy solo. It’s just after what happened with Jake, I can’t help but feel unsettled and I need to get out. This is as close as I can get to freedom. I don’t even know how to make this work, D doesn’t want to be around me and I haven’t done anything to rectify it. I want to, God do I want to, but I’m scared she’ll reject me and I’ll lose her altogether.
I’m looking at the topiaries when Caitlyn passes by and the urge hits me full force in the chest.
“Caitlyn,” I call out as I watch her come from around the side of the building, before standing up and chasing to catch up to her.
“Luna, hey.” She starts biting on her thumbnail, as she looks at me and stops moving.
“I just wanted… I wanted to say thank you for what you did. I should have come to you sooner and I’m sorry I didn’t.” Am I a horrible person? Or do I just have my priorities wrong?
“It isn’t necessary, I was scared for you. I didn’t want to leave, and I’m sorry I was too chickenshit to refuse him.” Her eyes glimmer with wetness, and I shake my head at her.
“I’m glad you didn’t. You would have only got in trouble. I wouldn’t want Shane to turn his attention on you. Anyway, I just wanted to say that if you ever want to give that friendship thing another go, I’d like that.”
Her cheeks turn bright red as she nods her head. “I’d like that too, maybe we can meet up for lunch or a coffee sometime.” Maybe I should let her go, but I can’t ignore that little voice inside.
“I have some time now, if you’re up for it?” Does it sound as lame as I feel right now? If she says no, then probably.
“Umm sure, yeah I can do that.” She doesn’t sound convincing, but I’m going to take what I can get. She didn’t say no. That has to be a good sign. I think.
We walk through the corridors on our way to the mess hall when voices sound, and I can’t believe my eyes as I round the corner.
Eight pressed against the wall, her leg wrapped around Tom’s waist as his hand glides up her leg. I can’t be upset, I’m not allowed to. So why does it feel like my heart is cracking as her lips part and a moan passes through them?
Caitlyn has no idea of the turmoil I’m in right now, or how the pain is so excruciating it feels as though it will never stop hurting. I’m not allowed to care or be jealous, I know this. So, why won’t my stupid, moronic heart listen, or pay attention to those fucked up rules?
Caitlyn falters before she grabs my arm and pulls me into the mess hall. I want him to look up. Come on, Tom, look at me. Don’t look at me, I don’t want you to see the devastation is more than likely written all over my face.
I can’t do this right now, I’m here to fix the rift between me and Caitlyn. Maybe if I can do that, then I can fix the one between me and D. Because I miss her, I really miss her and I just need to figure out what I need to do. Because I will do anything, the sky really is the limit in this situation.
We grab our coffee and take a seat at the first table we come across, the Zero table. It feels so surreal sitting here again. As though nothing has changed and everything that has happened is nothing more than a dream. Well, a dream or nightmare depending on the day. That’s being generous. More like the hour.
“So…” Cue the nervous laughter as we say it simultaneously.
“I’m sorry, Cait, I shouldn’t have pushed you away. You offered me an olive branch, and I didn’t accept it, even though I should have. You were my first friend here and there was no need to treat you like that, I was just,” a sigh escapes as I run my hand over my hair, “I was hurting, and it was stupid. I didn’t want you to risk yourself just so I could have a friend, I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Luna, I get it. Everyone had someone except from you. I was so happy when you became friends with Daria. I was just sad that I couldn’t be there for you. I’m glad we can at least try again.” She stirs her coffee as she smiles at me and I return it.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course you can,” she replies and I feel weird doing this, but I don’t know who else I can ask.
“I haven’t been a great friend lately and I think I’ve messed up big time with D. I want to fix it, but I don’t know how to do it, saying sorry doesn’t feel enough. So, I guess what I was wondering is, what would you want to hear?”
“I can’t tell you that, I’m not D. I think you just need to tell her how you feel, try to show her you want to make everything right. I don’t know what you did, but I know that you’re a good person, she knows that too. Either way, I hope things will work out for you.”
“Me too, not just with D though,” I add and we share another smile before finally taking a heavenly mouthful of coffee. I try to join in with the small talk, but Tom and Eight won’t leave my mind.
What is going on with me? I should be at D’s door trying to make things right, but I’m sitting here, just wasting time.
My door opens and my heart is lodged firmly in my throat as I take in Tom, with his messy hair, and huge grin.
“There’s my Moonbeam.” He closes the door behind him and walks toward me, he smiles as I stand up but it falters as I move away from him, instead of moving closer.
“Hey, you can’t be in here. You need to leave.” I can’t stop my eyes from drifting to the door. What if Tucker turns up?
“I have permission, stop worrying,” he says with a smirk, but his eyes are drawn and I don’t think he likes the way I’m acting.
“You don’t. Tucker has rescinded all of his permissions. He’s not willing to share me anymore, I’m sorry, Tom, but I can’t have you in here.”
“So what if he has? I’m great at keeping secrets.” He bridges the distance, and it’s only my hand against his chest that is stopping him from getting any closer.
“Tom, no.” Lower your voice, Luna, someone may overhear. I take a deep breath before trying again. “I can’t do it, you’re not the one who will get into trouble if we’re discovered. I can’t risk everything I am working toward, not while he owns me. I like you, but my family comes first.” I’m trying to stop my voice from breaking, but it’s hard. It doesn’t matter that I saw him with Eight, I still love him.
He takes a step back, and I swear I can see a flash of anger before he returns to his bored stare. The kind I rarely see when he’s with me.
“You like me, huh?” He raises a brow and I have no idea what his next words are going to be. “I see, and there I was thinking you loved me.” He sounds so… condescending, but that isn’t what makes my heart falter and stop.
“You heard me, but… y-y-you never said anything.” I don’t think my eyes can get any wider than they are right now.
“Well, I figured you didn’t want me to know. Besides, what was I supposed to say? Sorry, Luna. Were you expecting a declaration of love or something?” he says it with a mocking laugh and it’s gutting me. “Well, I guess I best be off. Wouldn’t want poor little Luna getting in trouble. See you around, Five.”