I drew in a deep breath and looked away, but not before I saw the tears welling in her eyes.
Only a glimpse of her pain, but it was enough. I knew without a doubt that I’d be seeing her look of betrayal and heartache every day and every night.
“You’re making a mistake,” she said.
I stared down at the weathered porch beneath my feet rather than meet her gaze. I didn’t have to look in her eyes to know she was crying, I could hear it in her voice and by the way it wobbled when she spoke. “You’re going to regret pushing me away. When you realize that Trenton doesn’t know you better than I do. That no one does.”
My heart hurt more than I knew it could. My ribs felt like they were being crushed under the weight of her words.
Because she was right. And I knew it.
The pain in my chest made it hard to breathe. It made it impossible to think. When at last I managed to lift my gaze off the ground to meet her teary one, I was too late. She was already turning away from me, hurrying down the steps toward Collette’s car, her shoulders shaking as she stumbled through the snow.
The next day was a nightmare.
Well, it was just another average day at school, but it felt like something out of one of my worst dreams. Time seemed to stretch into eternity as I made my way through classes, avoiding all conversation and questions.
Avoiding Eve.
Coward that I was, I couldn’t face her. Not when I felt like a zombie, walking the halls with an empty cold space where my heart used to be. The sense of loss was overwhelming and it was only compounded by the lack of her light and her laughter and her touch...it was like a part of me was gone.
I was barely aware of my teammates’ laughter in the cafeteria or a single word my teachers said.
I was a hollow shell. A dead man walking.
The only plus side, all feeling had turned to a numbness now that the deed had been done. I was sure it wouldn’t last forever but the clean break had left me feeling...nothing. Which was better than the agony I’d felt when I’d watched Eve walk away, her words haunting me that night until I finally fell asleep.
At least feeling numb was better than feeling pain. It was better than worrying about what I would say to Trenton or how I would make things right on that end.
The only emotion that slipped past the cracks of ice around my heart was worry.
Was Eve hurting like I hurt? Did she feel as broken and alone as I did right now?
I hated to think it. I wished I could do something to help her, or at the very least to find out how she was doing. But as much as I was avoiding her in the halls, she was doing the same to me. I almost never saw her, and when I did, it was the briefest glimpse before she turned a corner or slipped into a room.
If I was a dead man, she was a ghost.
I even thought about asking Trenton about her, but that would mean facing his wrath and right about now, I didn’t have the heart. I would...eventually. I’d accept whatever he had to say—I wouldn’t even fight back if it came to blows next time he came home. But right now I couldn’t make myself seek him out to apologize because...I wasn’t sorry.
I mean, sure, I felt like the worst kind of jerk for going behind his back, and I hated myself for getting so close to Eve when I knew very well that it would never last.
But I couldn’t be sorry that I’d gotten close. I couldn’t bring myself to regret a single kiss or any of those intimate moments we had when we were alone together. Every touch, every talk, every shared look…
I would remember them forever.
It might hurt now, but what I’d felt for Eve was unlike anything I’d ever known. What she’d felt for me—I’d never had anyone feel so much for me before.
I wouldn’t take it back for anything. Not even if it meant I wouldn’t suffer this crippling pain.
But while I wouldn’t take it back, I had no idea how to move forward. Wednesday passed in a bleary haze, and then Thursday. But when practice came to an end, I couldn’t avoid the fact that I was expected at the academy with the rest of the team.
I couldn’t skip again—not without incurring the wrath of my coach. Missing one time was understandable but he made a point to not make it a habit.
Plus, there was Bianca. Ethan told me that Bianca looked like she was going to skin a cat when she found out that I wasn’t going to be there. Practice had been brutal, and if I didn’t go again, Ethan was going to kill me himself.
My lips twitched at the thought of Bianca but the flicker of happiness faded as fast as it came because...Eve. She would be there.
Wouldn’t she?
Maybe she would skip.
Even as I thought it, I dismissed it. The girl was shy and sweet and had the biggest heart I’d ever known, but she was also so incredibly brave.
Maybe you had to be brave to have such a caring, open heart. Because that kind of openness left her vulnerable.
And I’d hurt her.
The sting of regret had me wincing and when I opened my eyes I caught half the guys on the team casting furtive looks in my direction. They’d probably been doing for the last two days but I’d been too caught up in my sad state to notice.
“What?” I muttered.
“Nothing,” a freshman who’d been gawking at me said quickly before hurrying out of the room.
“You’re scaring your own teammates, dude. You’ve got to cut it out.” Ryan was leaning against the lockers, eyeing me with distaste.
Ethan’s expression held a lot more sympathy but even he looked like he was about to dish out some tough love as the underclassmen hurried out of the room.
“Ryan’s right, man. You haven’t been yourself for days now. You’re growling at anyone who looks in your direction…. Bro, you bit that poor sophomore kid’s head off just because he didn’t get out of your way in the cafeteria line.”
I stared at him evenly as I shrugged. “So I’ve got anger issues. That’s not news.”
They looked at each other and then back to me. “Issues. Really? Doesn’t that mean it has to happen more than once?” Ryan looked confused. “I’ve never seen you acting like this before.”
“Yeah.” Ethan shook his head with a frown. “I mean, aside from punching Alex, and honestly…” His lips twitched up in a smirk. “Who here hasn’t thought about smacking some sense into that guy? What other issues do you have?”
Ryan laughed but I looked away. Other people thought about it. I did it.
“Anyway, the point is…” Ethan clapped a hand on my shoulder. “The younger guys on this team look up to you. You’re a leader, whether you like it or not.”
I stared at him in shock. They looked up to me?
Surely he was kidding.
Ryan eyed me from head to toe. “Yeah, man, get it together. Anyone who actually knows you knows you’re levelheaded and focused. We know you don’t go flying off the rails or cause trouble, but the underclassmen don’t know you well enough to get that yet.” He clapped me on the back on his way out of the room. “Try not to make any freshmen pee their pants, yeah?”
I turned to watch him leave, still thoroughly rattled. Not so much by their words, but in their complete confidence in what they were saying.
Ethan started to walk past me. “You heading over to the academy?”