Sloan smiles a little. “I’ll put on extra concealer. I’ll mask my sadness.”
Her humor cracks a smile on my face too. “But you won’t be happy. I want you to be happy.”
The determination that flashes in her eyes catches me off guard. “I won’t ever be happy without you. I’ve tried to get over you, move on from you—I can’t.”
Her voice cracks and so does my heart. I close my eyes for a moment and prepare to say the one thing in this world that I don’t want to. I kiss her once more. “Try.”
Her eyebrows pull in and before she can respond, my father knocks on the passenger window and gives me an angry look. I can only imagine how it looks to have the defendant in the parking lot with his girlfriend straddled on his lap moments before sentencing. Pretty fucking badass—but inappropriate nonetheless.
Slowly, she lifts herself off my lap and I help her out of the car. My parents and Mack walk on ahead of us along with my attorney. Tess and Walker are already seated in the courtroom because she texted me a few minutes ago.
When we make it to the bottom stoop, Sloan pulls me to a stop.
“You don’t really mean that, do you?”
I lean down and kiss her forehead. “I do. You deserve better than me.”
Without waiting for an argument, I pull her forward. We enter the oppressive building and dozens of heels echo through the vast hallways. My room is the first one. I release Sloan and go with my attorney to take my seat at the front. On my walk past, all the eyes of the ones I love are on me and it tears me apart with each step I take. Each step taking me farther away when I know they need me the most.
It’s hard to pay attention to what the judge is saying when all I can hear is Sloan quietly crying behind me. I want to reach for her so badly, but I remain stoic. I hope this judge sees through the act Sean is trying to portray. Sitting at the table next to us, looking all pathetic and victimized. It’s bullshit.
When the verdict is read, I’m not surprised. Five years with eligibility for parole in eighteen months. Exactly what they said it would be. This whole show was a formality and a way to deter delinquents like me from going ape shit on star quarterbacks.
I’m already being pulled away when I turn back for Sloan. She throws herself over a chair to get to me and clings to my neck. “I love you, Perry. I love you so much.”
I can barely make out her words because she’s crying so hard. My own voice breaks when I finally speak. “Love you too, baby.”
I get one last kiss before I’m completely dragged away from her. I don’t look back at her face. That’s not how I want to remember it. Tess is in the corner by the door that I’m being walked out of. She mouths to me with tears flowing down her cheeks. “I love you.”
If I open my mouth again, I’ll break. That won’t be a good look for me strolling into the pen bawling like a pussy. So instead, I bring my hand to my heart and she does the same. That’s the problem. Of the two halves of my own heart, none of them belong to me. One belongs to Sloan, and the other to Tess. One of them breaks it, the other heals it. I just don’t know how long it can hold out before it’s completely destroyed.
39
Tick, Tick—Boom
“The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long” –Tom Hardy
Walker
(1 year earlier)
Perry has been in prison for over a year now and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I miss that guy. Even though we’re not blood, he’s my brother. I know I piss him off a lot, but I guess that’s to be expected when you spend so much time together.
I also know how much I put on him. It was everyone’s choice to start doing this shady shit, but Perry has always been the one to keep it all straight. With Tess and I married, it makes having time apart without a decent explanation difficult. He tends to take the brunt of the risk and it isn’t always fair.
The worst part about him being gone is that I’m alone in this. He makes me feel safe. That’s not exactly a dude thing to say, but Perry is hardcore through and through. If I was the one who had gotten stabbed, I would have curled into a ball and died, right there in that alley—but not Perry. He talked my sorry ass the whole way through it and made sure I got him to the hospital before he bled out in my jeep.
Tess is taking his absence particularly hard. I’d be lying if I said their relationship didn’t make me jealous. Even though I know neither one of them would never cross any kind of line, it still makes me wonder if she loves him more than me.
I’m in the waiting room at the prison leaned back in a chair people watching. It’s a depressing place to say the least. I never want to make Tess go through this with me. That’s why I’m here. I’m going to tell Perry in person that I’m done. I’m going to start living my life right so Tess and I can have the future we planned on. I should have made this decision a long time ago, but better late than never I guess.
The guard waves me back after another couple of minutes and I empty my pockets into the small bin by the metal detector. I’ve been here so many times over the past year they all pretty much know me by name.
After successfully passing through, I’m led into the visiting room. Perry’s seated near the back at a small table by the window. He grins as I make my way to him, standing when I get close. He pulls me in for a hug and pats me on the back.
“You don’t have to keep coming all the way down here, man,” he says with a laugh. We both take a seat and he smiles again. “But it’s good to see you.”
“You, too. You look good.”
He smirks, flexing his arm through the thin material of his prison scrubs. “Yeah, not much to do to pass the time in here.”
“I hear that.” I bite my lip, glancing out of the window for a moment. I lean in across the table. “Listen, man. I know I’ve been an ass lately, but I’ve decided to change that. I’m going to tell Robby I’m out.”
He raises an eyebrow, releasing a low whistle through his teeth. “Wow. I never thought I’d hear you say that.”
I laugh once, running a hand back through my hair. “Yeah, me either. I think it’s time though. I’ve been pushing my luck lately.”
He gives me a questioning look. “You run into trouble?”
“Not yet, but Tess has been asking a lot of questions about the money.”
His nostrils flare. “You still didn’t tell her?”
I give a sheepish smile and his eyes narrow. “I know I should have, but every time I worked up the nerve all I could picture was the look of disappointment on her face. I fucking hate doing this to her.” I lean back in the metal chair. “I can’t do it anymore.”
“Good,” he says. “You should feel bad. She’s your wife. I would never keep something that important from Sloan.”
“Speaking of Sloan, have you talked to her?”
He shakes his head slightly, his jaw tense. After a moment, he shrugs. “I told her not to wait for me, but I didn’t think she’d listen. I honestly didn’t.”
I fidget with the sleeve of my hoodie, not meeting his eyes. I try not to bring her up, but a selfish part of me wants them to be together when he gets out. “She doesn’t come home a lot anymore, at least I haven’t seen her.” When I look up at him, the broken expression on his face kills me. “Did you try to call her?”