Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god. Was I really going to do this?
DATE #3 HOTTIE WITH THE DOUBLE SHOT WHO WAS COOL AS A CUCUMBER
Sidney hit the button, the LIVE red dot appeared, they did the intro. My pits were sweating. My temples were sweating. My palms were sweating. I might literally (figuratively) melt into the chair.
“People who misuse ‘literally,’” I blurted out. They were looking at me, it’s not like I interrupted, but they definitely hadn’t said anything that made that a reasonable reply. “Sorry, dating dealbreakers. Fashion glasses and people who misuse ‘literally.’ I mean, I do sometimes? But only for effect. You know. Ironically. Um.”
Somewhere my friends were shouting at a screen. Possibly throwing popcorn.
“Did Date #3 misuse ‘literally’?” Sidney asked, with a humor the unhinged guest smile.
“Oh no. No, not at all. Date #3 was fabulous. Physical chemistry: four-plus. Intellectual chemistry: five. Second date: kind of? We’re going out again, but it’s sort of not exactly a date-date? More of a friendship date.”
Sidney just blinked at me. “Er...okay. That was a whirlwind. Friendship dates are good. Do you want to...tell us more about it?”
DATE #3 HOTTIE WITH THE DOUBLE SHOT WHO WAS COOL AS A CUCUMBER
Fuckfuckfuck. “Um. I. Um.” Could they smell me? I had to reek of nerves and also today was not the day to have tuna for lunch, what the hell had I been thinking? “Um, well, actually I kind of...need advice. About a thing. If that’s okay?”
Eyebrows up and over the rims of their glasses. “Sure. I don’t know if I can be of help, but I’ll certainly try.”
I swallowed hard. My mouth was as dry as asphalt in summer. Please don’t reject me live on YouTube. Please don’t be mad I did this. “So there’s this, um, this hypothetical situation. Or, like, say I have a friend.”
Sidney laughed a little. “I’m with you. You have a friend.”
“Right. And my friend has a friend.”
They bit their lip to keep from grinning. I mean, I thought that was why. The corners of their mouth seemed to be resisting the tooth-pressure holding them in place.
“My friend has, um...feelings. For this other friend. Right? And um. But see.” I paused, frustrated by my own knotty fake scenario. “So the other friend, that my friend has a crush on, doesn’t date people? Like, usually.” Now I was gnawing on the inside of my cheek, peeking up at them through the not-great shield of my eyelashes.
Their eyes widened and their mouth went a little slack.
“But it’s less of a rule and more of a...guideline. The, uh, not-dating.” I swallowed again, but my mouth was so dry I kind of choked and started coughing. And because this was my life, I didn’t just cough once or twice and recover, I coughed until I couldn’t breathe, which made me cough more, and then I was doubled over, hacking, with tears in my eyes.
“Here.” A bottle of water was pushed into my hand.
I sipped and managed not to sputter water all over my host. When I could straighten up, eyes still full of tears from coughing, they were leaning all the way over, holding out a little plastic pack of tissues. “’M so sorry,” I mumbled.
“I should have offered you water in the beginning. Are you all right?”
“Yeah. Um.” I dabbed my eyes with a probably overstated attempt at dignity. Have mad coughing fit live on YouTube: CHECK.
“You were saying that you have a friend. Who has feelings for someone. And that someone doesn’t usually date?”
“Right, yeah.”
“And you’re...asking advice. For your friend.”
I winced. “Okay, this is dumb. Obviously the advice is for me. Which I get we all know and are playing along, but let’s not.” I looked into the camera. “I have a crush on someone who doesn’t usually date. But I don’t want to pressure them. Or disrespect them. I don’t want to slobber all over them with my feelings or whatever, but also, if there’s any chance they might be interested, I want to let them know that I’m interested. If that makes sense? I guess the question is, what’s the most respectful way to express interest in someone if you’re not sure, for whatever reason, that they might return it?” I sat back, feeling a little dizzy.
And avoiding Sidney’s gaze.
For like five seconds, but then I couldn’t help but look up at them.
Today they had on a slick black buttoned shirt with the cuffs rolled halfway up their forearms, which I found...um...weirdly tantalizing. The contrast of black against their pale skin, maybe? Or just, like, them. In general.
Looking at me thoughtfully. So. Not repulsed, I didn’t think?
“That’s a complicated question,” they said slowly.
Oh fuck me. I gnawed hard on the inside of my cheek to keep from taking it all back.
“Not everyone will feel the same way, of course. Speaking for myself, I think it’s entirely possible to express your feelings in a way that makes them...non-aggressive.”
With a silent apology (or maybe thanks) to Mara, I stole her words. “Yeah, um, I don’t want to sound like I’m entitled to anything. It seems like kind of a hard balance.”
They nodded. “That’s exactly the right idea. And I think people can feel it if you’re approaching them with a feeling of entitlement, versus when you’re not. But yes, speaking strictly for myself, I think I would want to know if a friend of mine had those feelings. Better to have the information than not have the information.”
Was my face glowing bright red? It felt like I was lit up Rudolph’s nose-style. “Okay. Um. Thank you for your advice. Also, you never told me that your OG fans called you ‘Spunk.’”
Now both of us were blushing. “It didn’t come up. In fact, that should never have come up.” They looked at the camera. “People telling tales out of school will be eliminated from the pool of volunteer dates. And I will so get you back, Date #3. Revenge will be mine.”
I mouthed Sorry at our invisible audience, where I hoped Mara was watching, and cheering for me. Or maybe...cheering for us.
Sidney cleared their throat. “Okay, I think we’ll leave it there for today. Blah blah blah, links, likes, you know the drill. See you next week.” They waved and cut the video.
Holy anal beads, Batman. I nearly choked in the act of swallowing my own spit again and grabbed for the bottle of water. Sidney’s bottle of water, now that I thought about it. They gave me their bottle of water in my hour of need.
Which I eyed them over as I took a very slow sip.
They were just...sitting there. Staring unseeing at their monitor.