“No, not at all. I had a lot of mediocre experiences, a few okay ones, a few lousy ones. And I just got tired of it.”
“Because of all those Valentine’s Day fights?” Gosh, their eyes were dark in the low light, dark like the deepest part of a lake, like I could dive all the way into them.
“Because I didn’t know what the point was. For me, I mean. I understood what the point was for a lot of people, but I didn’t share their goals.” They stirred a few more marshmallows into their cocoa, seeming mesmerized. “My whole life I’ve felt... Have you ever let a drop of soap hit water that has something on the surface?”
“Um. Probably?”
“You know how everything pulls away from the drop of soap like it’s repelling? Like nothing can stand being anywhere near the soap?”
“Sure.”
“That was always me. I always felt like I was that drop of soap. As if my very presence made people move in the opposite direction, everyone except my brother. It was nice once he was born, though I was sixteen by then so I guess I was still more comfortable being on my own.”
I swallowed, caught up in the image of Sidney alone surrounded by empty space. I wanted to reach for their hand or pat their knee or something, but I didn’t think they needed comfort half as much as I needed to provide it, so I sipped my cocoa instead. Self-soothing through chocolate. Kind of a theme in my life. “That sounds really lonely,” I said, since I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
“I had friends, casual friends. I don’t mean to give you the idea I was that isolated. Just mostly I didn’t quite fit in places other people expected me to fit, and I wasn’t good at doing the work to keep friendships strong, so they eventually faded.” Sidney kept stirring, still staring down into their mug. “Anyway, I made the executive decision to stop trying to find common ground with people who had very different priorities.”
“And that was...like...everyone?”
They glanced up. “It seemed like it at the time. But that’s why the show was so important. Or I guess why it came to be so important to me. It was a way of establishing common ground and connections, and I know there are a lot of people who feel like face-to-face is the only way to have friendships or community, but that hasn’t been my experience. I answer comments most days. I talk to people like Mara, people who’ve been consistently present for a while, all the time. Those relationships matter to me. When I barely spoke to anyone in the house where I was renting a room, I was exchanging emails with and having conversations with a lot of people I knew from YouTube.” They shook their head. “Sorry, I’m rambling. I guess the point was that I gave up on finding common ground with people in my life at the exact moment I was putting a lot of energy into actually doing that? And I didn’t even realize it until—well, until now. Until The Love Study.”
“Really?” That felt...good. Maybe I was part of something bigger, something positive for them, the way they’d been part of that for me.
“I think...watching you figure out dating, and asking you questions, has clarified for me some of my...um, what I might potentially want. In that context.”
“Oh wow, it’s like the show legitimately worked.”
They smiled. “Yeah. Right? I didn’t think it would have that effect on me, but if it has, then maybe it’s also working for other people.”
“Totally. So like. Um. What...do you want? I mean, I’m asking purely out of curiosity. Not at all self-interest.” I gave them my best innocent face.
“Certainly not,” they agreed. “No self-interest here on either side.”
“I’m glad we understand each other.”
Both of us smirked a little.
“I haven’t put it all into words yet. I want to be able to go deep with someone, and also have the freedom to be on my own without them taking it personally, like I need a sense of intimacy to co-exist with a sense of space. Mutual growth, mutual change. And I want...dimension. I want the way I relate to other people to expand in more than one direction.”
“That sounds really beautiful.” It wasn’t quite the right way to put what I meant, but it was as close as I could get.
“Thanks. I mean, it’s all theoretical, obviously. But I think those would be nice qualities for a theoretical romantic relationship.”
“Along with physical and intellectual chemistry?”
They smiled. “Yep.”
“I think your theoretical romantic relationship sounds pretty excellent.” And I did. What I didn’t know was what they meant by “theoretical.”
“That’s good to know.”
In the background someone’s soufflé was falling. Suddenly I felt unnervingly vulnerable sitting there looking at Sidney. Being looked at by Sidney. What did they see? Someone who was worthy of a theoretical romantic relationship? Or were they more saying that in some fantasy world they’d want those things, but in this one, they were willing to settle for me?
It was hard to avoid the reality of the situation. They might really like me. (And I knew I really liked them.) But sooner or later, I was going to screw this up. History repeats and all that.
I reached for the remote. “I love the judging part. I try to anticipate what the judges are going to say before they say it.”
Sidney shifted a little closer, and even though I didn’t think I deserved it, I couldn’t help pressing my arm against theirs as they sipped their cocoa. “I can’t believe I’ve waited so long to watch this show. Though I bet it’s more fun with company.”
“Definitely.”
They went home at the end of the episode, leaving me the last of the cookies, which I mindlessly ate sitting in front of the TV with Toby the Australian Shepherd curled up beside me, his head in my lap.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The brides looked beautiful, all sun-dappled and luminous. I’d seen them in their dresses before, but I don’t know, on the actual afternoon of their actual wedding they looked...more beautiful. Apply all happy bride clichés here—they glowed, they radiated—but it was true.
Every time they looked at each other it was honestly like the glow intensified, their smiles got wider, their eyes got brighter. The breeze picked up at one point, blowing Ronnie’s hair into Mia’s eyes in the middle of the ceremony, and both of them laughed. Not nervously, and not with the rest of us, but just...as if they were in a bubble only the two of them shared. It was kind of sublime, watching them like that, all euphoric together. After months of stressing about the wedding, when it finally arrived, they spent most of the day holding hands and dancing and laughing, which was perfect.