She smiled like she understood that level of punishment. “I will. Thanks, Declan. And thank you for all the work you’ve put in on this, it has not gone unnoticed.”
I had no idea what to say to that, which was fine, because she waved and left the room while I was still sitting there trying to figure it out. The last thing I wanted at my job was to be noticed. Sheesh. What’s a guy gotta do to be treated like a cog in the machine around here?
When things were tense, I’d looked forward to being alone in the fish bowl. But today the day just seemed to stretch...and stretch...and stretch while I took care of tedious tasks and list items with no one to snark at.
And through it all the final episode of The Love Study loomed over me like a gathering storm. I tried not to think about it, but I couldn’t help it. How was I going to tell Sidney that their trust in me was unfounded? And how the hell was I going to make it through a Q and A episode of the show without completely falling apart?
I ate Jack’s share of the emergency chocolate and made another cup of coffee. I needed it.
* * *
I almost couldn’t get out of my car at Sidney’s. My friends weren’t watching this time—Ronnie and Mia were honeymooning, Mase was going on a date and said he’d catch it later, and since Oscar was planning to die alone he didn’t think it was relevant. Knowing they wouldn’t be out there had a strange effect on me, almost as if it took away a sense of security I’d felt during the other episodes.
Now it was just me and Sidney and all of YouTube. Without anyone to catch me if I fell. A small voice inside my head advocated for telling Sidney all of my fears because they’d probably try to understand, but that was how I got drawn in before, by listening to parts of myself that were wildly misinformed. For instance, the parts that said, You and Mase love each other, of course you should get married! Or Maybe you’re not the worst person on earth, of course you should try dating again!
Forcing my arms and legs to move, I made it up to the apartment. Sidney answered the door and stared at me, which I knew, even though I could only raise my eyes as high as their hands.
I really liked their hands. Which made me want to cry.
“Declan?” Voice low, like they were worried they’d startle me.
“I can’t. I’m sorry. I thought I could, but I can’t.”
“You can’t do the show?”
I wanted to say yes, take the out. But that would be knowingly misleading them. It was more than just the show.
They reached out, fingertips grazing my cheek. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I did a laugh-sob thing. “I’m just tired. From the wedding.”
“Yeah, I bet.”
We stood there and this feeling inside me, this certainty that I couldn’t make it work, that I’d hurt them if I didn’t leave right now, grew until I couldn’t deny it. I would fuck it up. If not tonight, then tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the next time they planned a wonderful, romantic cookie date, and no matter what I did I couldn’t feel it, I couldn’t be deserving of it.
No.
If you love something, set it free, right? And I did. I thought I did. What a supremely stupid time to realize I loved them. But at least it clarified things: I would not hurt Sidney like I’d hurt Mason. I was older, and wiser, and knew just how badly I could fuck something up this time. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry, I didn’t mean to do this—”
“I can cancel the show tonight,” they said, backing into the room. “It’s no big deal.”
“You can’t.”
“Sure I can. I’m your spinster uncle, and sometimes your spinster uncle has more important things to do than spinster at people.”
Oh, god, that made it so much worse.
“No, you can’t.” My eyes overflowed. “You can’t cancel the show. It’s your job, and people need you. And I can’t do this. I wanted to, I wanted to so much, but I can’t. I’m not made for it or something, I don’t know how. And I should have known I couldn’t handle this, but for a while it seemed like I could, and I just...wanted to so much.” I rubbed tears out of my eyes. “I’m sorry but it’s better to end it now than...than keep going until it’s so much worse. Believe me, it hurts so much worse when you wait.”
Sidney had stopped moving. Maybe stopped breathing. “No. Please don’t—”
But if I didn’t leave immediately, I’d let them talk me into staying, and I couldn’t.
Rip the Band-Aid off fast. Not slow.
I turned, still crying, and ran. They called my name but I didn’t stop, just ran to my car and sat there, tears pouring down my face, heart pounding, gasping for breath like air had become water and I was drowning.
You’d think it would be enough to understand you’re having a panic attack and you’re not really going to die, but every time I think this one’s going to kill me.
It didn’t. When I could breathe again I drove home.
Chapter Twenty-Five
In between crying and sleeping and hating myself, I was drinking way too much caffeine to stay awake at work. I’d even bought a pack of energy drinks, which Jack (now back from his unexplained absence) side-eyed like it was speed.
Which... I guess in a way it was. But legal. And probably not that addicting. I’d just have to suffer through a few days of come-down after this week, but first I needed to get through this week.
Sidney had left one message on my phone, sounding teary and miserable, only saying that they were thinking about me and that they didn’t want to invade my space so they’d leave it to me to contact them, and they really, really hoped I would. After which there was a long pause, a waiting, expectant pause. But they only said, “I’d like to sit down and talk to you. I think we can figure this out.” And hung up.
Sure they did, because they lived in the safe, contained world of Your Spinster Uncle, where questions were asked, answers given, and hearts were only broken in words on a screen, after which good advice was enough to fix everything.
Where you didn’t have to see someone’s smile wilt on their face when they realized you could never be what they wanted you to be. That wasn’t going to happen again. I’d gotten on the roller coaster and run it straight into the ground and now it was over. End of story. Good try, bad fail, finis.
I needed to stay busy, so I cleaned my unit from top to bottom. I gave Toby the Australian Shepherd a bath and groomed him until he was fluffy and preening. The Jenkinses were due back Friday, so on Thursday I made a stir-fry, decided I didn’t like it, threw it out and started over. Twice. Nothing tasted that good, but I ate the third one anyway because by then I was tired of cooking.