‘She had nothing to make up…’ He sighed. ‘It was… I don’t even know who is to blame anymore.’
‘So what started all this?’
‘She didn’t want to leave Scotland and I kept pushing. In the end she came back to please me, but she hasn’t been happy since we got here. I feel like that’s where all the arguments started.’
‘Then why not go back to Scotland? Wouldn’t that solve everything?’
‘I don’t want to.’
Cathy stared at him. ‘Not even if it would save your marriage?’
He shook his head. ‘It sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? But I’m not sure I even want to save it anymore – that’s the problem.’
Cathy nodded and fell to silent thought. Jonas had never fought to save his relationship with her either and she had to have some sympathy for Eleanor, who was now set to go through the same thing. It appeared to be a pattern with him. If he was going to do this to every good relationship he had then she had to feel sorry for him too because he would end up a very lonely man.
After a few seconds he broke into her thoughts. ‘I’m a bad person, aren’t I? That’s what you think? I’m not a nice guy…’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘You didn’t need to.’
Cathy shook her head, trying to shake a little impatience with him. ‘I don’t see why you should worry about what I think. Surely the person you should be worrying about is Eleanor. When did all this happen? When did you tell her you wanted to leave her?’
‘This morning. We woke up, got breakfast, got ready for work and suddenly, I don’t know, I just felt as if I had to say something.’
‘Where is she now?’
‘At home.’
‘Jonas, what’s brought this on? You don’t just decide something like this one morning when you’re getting ready for work.’
‘I know, but like I said, it hasn’t felt right for a while now.’
‘You talked it through with Eleanor at some point before you dropped this on her? I mean, you’d both be very aware of the increased arguments but have you actually said to her that you felt as if you wanted to leave?’
He fell silent.
‘Oh God, Jonas,’ she said. ‘Why would you do this? She must be devastated right now. You should be with her sorting it out, not here with me.’
‘I know. But I don’t know how to sort it out and I felt like you were the one person who’d understand. Everyone else is too close to me or to Eleanor.’
‘What made you think I’d understand you?’
‘Because you always did. You always knew how to read me and you always knew what to say.’
Cathy frowned. That wasn’t necessarily true. If it had been as simple as he made it sound then he might have been married to her now, not poor Eleanor. Although, today, for the first time, she was beginning to see that might not have been a good thing for her. Who was to say this wasn’t how it would have ended between them if they’d been married – that one day he wouldn’t have woken up just like he had today and decided it was over?
‘Is this why you came home from Scotland? Did you know this was likely to happen?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Seems to me there’s a lot you don’t know,’ Cathy said. ‘Maybe you ought to work some of it out before you let this situation get any further. Could you go and talk to Eleanor now? I think it would help.’
‘I’m not sure it would.’
‘There you go again,’ Cathy said with a tight smile. ‘Another thing you don’t know. Is there anything you do know?’
‘I know that since I first saw you on the flower stall I haven’t stopped thinking about you.’
Cathy froze. ‘Is that why you kept coming in?’
‘Didn’t you realise?’
‘Of course I didn’t! Why would I think that? You’re married!’
‘You didn’t suspect at all?’
‘No!’ Cathy cried. ‘Even if I’d still had feelings for you I’d never have hoped for something like that because I have too much respect for the fact that you’re married to someone else.’
‘So you don’t have feelings for me now?’
‘Jonas… I’m seeing someone. You met him at the theatre!’
‘You met Eleanor at the theatre; that doesn’t mean anything.’
‘It might not mean anything to you but it does to me!’
‘Right… I’m sorry. I can see now I shouldn’t have come. I’d thought… I guess I read the signs wrong…’
‘No, you shouldn’t have come if your plan was to get me back. I don’t know what kind of signs I gave you but they were definitely accidental. And if I did, I’m sorry for them, Jonas.’
‘This wasn’t the plan – you have to believe me on that much at least. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.’
‘But you did – you said you’d been thinking about ending your marriage for a while so you did.’
‘I didn’t mean to drag you into it.’
Cathy sighed. ‘You can consider me well and truly dragged in now. You have to understand that there’s no future for you and me, but I do care. What are you going to do?’
‘What can I do? I suppose I’ll find somewhere to live and get used to life as a single man again.’
‘Don’t say it in that tone…’
‘What tone?’
‘You know the one – the one that makes me feel guilty and sorry for you and like it’s somehow my fault you’re going to be living alone. We both know it used to work on me before, but it won’t now.’
‘I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to.’
‘And you’re still doing it…’
‘Sorry,’ he said again.
There was a beat of silence. Cathy began to walk and he fell into step beside her.
‘Tell me honestly,’ he said after a moment. ‘Did you feel anything when we bumped into each other again after all those years?’
‘Of course I did – I’m not a robot.’
‘But that feeling… it couldn’t be more? You couldn’t see us together again?’
Cathy paused. Perhaps at first she could have. When she’d been lonely and her life had seemed empty. But that was before Matthias, and despite the problems they currently faced, she understood now that the way she felt about him was different from anything she felt for Jonas, from anything she’d ever felt for Jonas. She’d loved Jonas once – she’d loved him deeply – but it had been a different kind of love. It had never really felt solid and the way it had ended had proved that to her; she saw it now more clearly than ever. It was too early to say for certain with Matthias where their future lay, but she could say already that she saw one and that it looked like something she might be able to depend on. When she thought about him, she didn’t care that there were obstacles; she was willing to tackle them. If it had been Matthias instead of Jonas in her life while her mum was still alive and taking so much of Cathy’s time, Cathy felt that maybe their love would have survived where her relationship with Jonas hadn’t, and that was the difference.