‘No,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry but I couldn’t. Don’t you remember how we broke up? Don’t you feel any responsibility for any of it? Because if you do, how can you possibly come to me now with that knowledge and expect us to just pick up from where we left off like nothing happened?’
‘I wouldn’t expect that but… we had something good, didn’t we?’
Cathy paused. Something that sounded sharper than she perhaps felt he deserved was going to come out of her mouth, but she couldn’t stop it. And maybe it wasn’t a bad thing that she said it. ‘It was good for you as long as nobody got in the way.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘If you don’t know then I’m not going to explain it. Jonas, you’re a lovely guy but sometimes I think you find it hard to understand the world from anyone else’s perspective. The world is good for everyone when it’s good for you, and there are only problems for anyone if they’re your problems. I’m sorry, but someone has to tell you this and you have to understand it, because if you don’t you’ll never make any relationship work.’
He stared at her. ‘Wow… I had no idea you felt like this. You felt like this when we were together?’
‘If I’d said it to you then would it have made a difference? Mum was always the problem for you when we were together – as far as you were concerned it was the only problem.’
‘You’re saying I was the problem?’
‘You were more a part of it than either of us realised at the time.’
‘And you were blameless?’
‘Of course not; that’s not what I’m saying. We both have to take some responsibility, but for a long time you made me believe that I was the only one who could have saved what we had and that I chose my mum over you. I didn’t. I never chose her over you – you only let yourself believe that so you wouldn’t have to face up to the reality that sometimes life is about more than what you want.’
‘That’s really how you feel?’
Cathy nodded.
‘I can’t believe you’re telling me this now! I come to you because I need help and you give me this!’
‘I don’t know what you expected me to give you! Did you really think I’d instantly fall in love with you again and we’d run off into the sunset? You have a wife!’
‘Then I’m sorry I came. I came because I thought you could help, not so you could list all the things that are wrong with me.’
‘That’s not what I’ve done at all. Jonas… there are many things that are wonderful about you too and many things I’ll remember fondly. I just don’t want you to view what we had through rose-tinted glasses because, for all the good things that happened, there was a reason we broke up. You might think that reason has gone with the death of my mum, but it hasn’t, because she never was the reason. The reason we broke up was us, and no matter how we might want to, we can’t blame anyone else. I’m trying to make you understand this because I care about you, not to hurt you and not because I want to punish you for our past.’
‘Right… If that’s the way you feel I’ll leave.’
Cathy didn’t argue because what was the point in giving him anything to latch on to? Any kind of hope would be a false one – better to let him see the grim reality rather than a rosy, misleading lie. She’d finally found the courage to say the things she felt he needed to hear, things that she ultimately thought would help him, and it was better for him to take those away with him and try to fix his marriage. She hoped he could because, despite all their past problems, she still cared for his welfare.
‘Will you be alright?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know…’ he began, then he paused. ‘I’m doing it again, aren’t I?’
‘A bit. You want to know what I think?’
‘I suppose you’re going to tell me anyway.’
Cathy gave a small smile. ‘I think you need to go and talk to Eleanor before you do anything else. Accept that she deserves a little effort, because I feel as if that’s one thing she hasn’t had from you. Forgive me for saying this, but I feel like maybe you were having problems and you saw me as a handy escape route? Somewhere to run to? I think you made more of the feelings you had seeing me again than was really true.’
‘I could never do that. I never stopped caring for you, and seeing you again after all these years reminded me of all the things I loved about you. But I shouldn’t have assumed you’d feel the same, and I’m sorry for that.’
Cathy shook her head. She suspected he was wrong and confused about his current feelings for her and in time she thought he’d see that. She wasn’t what he needed right now at all.
‘I know I should,’ he added, ‘but I can’t go home now.’
‘Why not?’
‘My head’s a mess and I’d say the wrong thing.’
‘You don’t know until you try. And why do you assume you get to do all the talking? Isn’t it worth going just to hear Eleanor out? You might not want to go home, but you owe it to her to give her a say too. Think about her for a minute; she might really need you to be there right now. You’ve left her this morning with barely a chance to understand what’s gone wrong. Imagine how she’s feeling right now after your bombshell. Go home, Jonas – go and talk to her. If you can’t work it out, at least help her understand.’
‘I don’t know how to do that. With you, it might have been simpler, but Eleanor doesn’t understand me like you used to.’
‘Stop it, Jonas. Stop romanticising our past. It wasn’t the way you remember it.’
‘Isn’t that the way you remember it?’
‘No. I remember it being messy and confusing. Sometimes it was good and sometimes it was horrible. If anything tells you the truth about what it was, it has to be the way it ended. Neither of us even tried to save it. That’s the truth about our past – it wasn’t worth saving. You say it was wonderful, but you moved on without a single look back. If it was so great, why marry someone else and disappear from my life for five years?’
‘I thought you didn’t want me.’
‘You didn’t even take the time to check.’
‘You were busy with your mum—’
‘Don’t drag my mum into this again.’ Cathy sighed. ‘I can’t believe we keep having this conversation. It was five years ago and it should be ancient history. Why are you really here?’
‘I’ve told you.’
‘That’s not it. You need to figure out what’s really going on and you need to talk to Eleanor. Promise me you’ll do that.’
‘I can’t.’
‘Then I’m sorry, Jonas, but that’s all I have. Please don’t come here again. I’ve moved on and I have a life that I love – even if you can’t fix your own please don’t ruin that for me.’
He stared mournfully at her. But then he nodded. ‘If that’s what you want.’
‘In time you’ll come to realise it’s best for both of us.’
When Jonas left her he’d agreed to go back and see Eleanor. Cathy felt drained somehow as she made her way back to her house. It wasn’t as easy as she’d made out to turn him away like that and she’d no doubt fret and worry about him for weeks to come. She didn’t know where he lived and she didn’t still have a phone number for him, so unless he sought her out as he had done today, she might not get to hear for a long time how he was getting on or if he’d fixed the problems in his marriage. But she felt certain that fixing his marriage was what he needed to do. If she’d been the cause of its undoing in any way then she was truly sorry for that, but she couldn’t take the blame and, for once, she wasn’t going to allow herself to.