“No, not really,” I say, shaking my head dramatically. “But they’re here, so there’s no hiding anymore.”
“I’m here, Jace, you won’t be doing this alone. You’ll never be alone again.” And why is it those words bring immediate comfort to my rapidly beating heart?
“It’s hard having the shoe on the other foot, Rayne. Usually, it’s you they’re mad at. This is a new experience for me,” I say as we walk up the walkway to my porch.
“It’s hard not being the golden child, but I promise, you will get through this and they will forgive you.”
“The golden child, really, Rayne? I’ve never been that and you know it.” I smile at him as I state this.
“Got you to smile though, didn’t it?”
My smile brightens. It’s always been a goal of his to see my ‘blinding whites’ as he calls my teeth when they protrude from my lips when I’m at my happiest. I always try not to give in, but I usually do no matter how hard I try to fight it. He just has a way with me. Always has, and probably always will.
Before we open the screen door, he halts my forward movement by placing a hand on my shoulder. “I forgive you, Jacey.”
I suck in a lungful of oxygen as I clamp my teeth down on my lip to keep it from quivering. I didn’t realize until this moment how much I needed to hear those words from him. Not able to voice my feelings due to my emotionally clogged throat, I lift my hand up and pat his in thanks.
Before I have a chance to get myself together, the door swings open and Billie peers out at us with wide, pleading eyes. “The parents are getting restless, please come in and save us from their tirade. I’m begging you,” she implores of us as she holds her hands together in front of her chest. It’s as if she’s preparing to say a prayer to the higher being up above.
“We’re coming,” I mumble underneath my breath. The time has come to pay penance for my wrongdoings. Rayne’s hand squeezes me one more time before dropping his hand from my shoulder.
“You’re the strongest person I know, Jace. You can do this.” From his mouth to God’s ears, I hope he’s right. Because right now, my knees are wobbly and I’m fearful that I’m going to drop.
“Yeah, I got this.” I repeat his words, trying to convince myself of their truth.
15
Jacey
When we walk through the front door, our parents are all in a semi-circle in front of my sofa, furious glares aimed in my direction. I give an awkward wave in their direction, which isn’t easy to do while juggling Hadley in my arms.
“I’m just… yeah, I’m just gonna go lay her down,” I announce to everyone as I swiftly exit the room.
I hear Rayne’s footfalls behind me as he too decides that putting her down is less strenuous than staying in a room full of our enraged parents. I can feel my deceit of them crawling through my limbs. All I wanna do is find a safe hiding place in a corner somewhere and let the tears that are gathered in my eyes freely fall.
As we make it to her bed, I look down at it, not ready to release her from my arms and lay her down. I know that the moment I do, I’m going to be forced to pull my big girl pants up and account all of my sins to them. The penance for my actions is not going to be fun to face. I have no one to blame but myself, and I detest every minute of it.
Rayne comes and plants himself before me. “Here, I’ll lay her down while you give yourself a second for a mini-meltdown.” When her weight leaves me, I walk over to the corner of her room and slide down on my rear. The looks on all of their faces is haunting me as I sit and reflect.
I’m not sure how long I sit here, lost in self-judgement and pity before I snap out of it and see Rayne bent down before me. “They hate me,” I whisper as the tears finally break loose from their confinement. “My mom’s never looked at me that way before.”
“This is an entirely different ballgame we’re dealing with here, Jace. None of us have had to play this game before. Give them time, they’ll come around,” he tries to pacify me.
“And if they don’t? If they always hate me and look at me with disdain, then what, Rayne?”
“Then we’ll be forced to make decisions about our lives, Jacey. Choices I’m not wanting to make, but ones I will.”
“Like what?” I can’t help but ask him.
“Whatever is best and right for our family, Jacey. You, me and Hadley. At the end of the day, you two are the only people who matter to me the most. I’ll do what’s needed to ensure y’alls happiness.”
“You can’t kick our parents out of our lives, Rayne. That’s what I did to get us into this mess in the first place.” I sigh in contemplation.
“Jacey, I’m not fucking around. They either get the fuck over it and move on, or we move forward without them. I refuse to have our daughter feeling all this tension and be placed in the middle of their bullshit. They can rein their asses in or hit the fucking road. Those are the only two viable options that they’ll be given.”
“Rayne…” I quietly begin. He places his fingers over my lips and nods his head at me. He’s not messing around. He’s one hundred percent serious about what he’s said to me. On one shoulder, the guilt is heavy that this will be a decision we’ll have to ultimately make, but on the other, I feel relieved that he’s finally forgiven me and is taking mine and Hadley’s side in things. After all, her emotional well-being is what is of the utmost importance to the both of us.
“Come on, Jace. Let’s get this over with before our girl’s eyes open. Things will be a ruckus once she’s awake again. She’ll wanna know who everyone is and be full of questions. I’d like them to make a decision on what path we’re gonna take before we have to answer her. I don’t want her getting excited and attached only to yank them from her life further down the road.”
“You’re right,” I hesitantly say before I place my hand in his outstretched one. “Let’s get this show on the road.”
“That’s my girl,” he praises, which causes me to encompass feelings of freedom and safety.
Rayne holds my hand down the hallway and into the living room. My emotions are all over the place as I look over and take in the scowling faces of our family.
Feeling bold and confident with Rayne at my side, I finally speak up. “You all heard my story, know why I did what I did. I’m not going to rehash all of that with you. We can choose to move forward or stay at a standstill, the decision is ultimately yours.” My voice comes out rough, as if I’ve swallowed more than a handful of gravel.
Rayne
I can tell by the way she’s speaking, that her nerves are fried. She gets this husky voice whenever she’s more upset than the average everyday stresses. Clearing my throat, I manage to get all of the parental figures’ eyes zoomed in on me. “It’s a hard pill to swallow, everything that’s been learned recently, but Jacey and I had a quick chat when we laid our daughter down. We can all choose to let the past go and move forward from here, or y’all can still hold your grudges and not be part of Hadley’s life.” I shrug my shoulders as if it’s no skin off my back which way they wish to go. In reality, my palms are becoming sweaty and a trickle of sweat begins to run down my back. I don’t want our parents to not be included in Hadley’s or our lives, but I meant what I said to Jacey behind closed doors.