Chuck glared at me, and when he didn’t make another attempt to confront me, I turned and headed out of the shop. I slammed the truck door as I got in, my heart pounding when I realized I probably should’ve stayed inside and made sure they didn’t harass Ethan anymore. How did Wild live so open? How did he make it through every day without punching some asshole in the face? Maybe it was just Bell River. Small town, small-minded. But that didn’t explain why all the guys on my basketball team back in Eastchester had been so mean. My church would tell me I was a sinner for thinking about men like I did, for all the things I’d done with Wild. The hate I’d seen in Hudson’s eyes was just as much of a sin, if you asked me. Worse even. He didn’t even know if Ethan was gay, and that bullshit about him checking me out, Hudson had lost his mind. Guys like Hudson built themselves up by breaking everyone else down.
The truck shifted as Hudson and Chuck loaded the primer into the back. Trying not to stir up any more trouble, I grabbed my earbuds from my backpack on the floor and plugged them into my phone. I scrolled through my playlist until I found something loud enough to get me through this day.
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Jul 14 10:12 PM
SUBJECT: Openly gay hobbits
Wilder,
I can think of a few things worth crawling through shit and piss for. Freedom being at the top of that list. I’m already stuck inside a cell in some ways, and if there was a way to escape, sewer swimming and all, I’d do it. But I shouldn’t take up any more of your time. Thank you for responding to my message. I sure am glad your agent didn’t because I think I really needed to hear what you had to say. Best birthday ever.
P.S. I don’t think the world is ready for openly gay hobbits.
Take care,
Jordan
I read the message, making sure I didn’t sound like a total idiot. It seemed alright to me. I should’ve left well enough alone, but I’d wanted to say thank you for his response. Asking for anything more from him wasn’t right, and if he didn’t reply back, that was okay. I’d said my goodbyes to Wild a long time ago. I pressed send and set my phone on the bedside table.
Jason’s light was on in his room as I walked by. I knocked on the door frame twice before walking in. He was in bed facing the wall. “It’s getting late,” I said but he didn’t answer. “Jason,” I called his name a little louder and he jumped.
“Geez, Jax.” He exhaled, rolling onto his back. “I was sleeping.”
I huffed out a laugh. “You left your light on.”
He rubbed his eyes and reached to turn off his lamp. “Thanks.”
The room darkened and I waited until his breathing evened out before closing the door. I didn’t take long in the bathroom getting ready for bed, and when I finally fell back into my mattress, the exhaustion of my day pulled me under. Half asleep, I reached for my phone to set my alarm and nearly jumped out of my skin as I sat up. Wild had sent me another email. Something fluttered inside my stomach as I opened it.
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Jul 14 10:25 PM
SUBJECT: The world is totally ready for gay hobbits
Jordan,
Sewer swimming aside, freedom is something you can find inside yourself. When you’re ready. It’s hard to say because I don’t know you or your situation. And though you didn’t ask for my advice, I have some for you. I know it’s presumptuous of me, but maybe it will help you find the keys to that cell you’re living in.
Fear is what kept me from coming out to my parents until I was almost eighteen. My friends at school knew. The bullies knew, but I wasn’t scared of them. I was terrified of losing permanence. It sounds weird, right? But my home life, though fake as hell, was stable. All the unknown variables made it difficult for me to unlock myself from the lie I was living. Once I knew what I was afraid of, I did what I had to do to protect myself. I got a job, made sure I worked hard on my grades to earn a scholarship. I became self-sufficient. I had an insurance plan, so to speak. I made sure that if my parents turned me away, I’d have the ability to create a new life and family, one that would give me what I truly wanted. Unconditional love.
So, I’m going to ask you. As a stranger with no right to do so. What are you afraid of, Jordan?
P.S. I think queer theory could be applied to many works of fiction. Especially fantasy. I think it’s important to challenge the heteronormative nature of the world we live in. Sam and Frodo alike. One does not simply walk across Mordor (like what I did there?) for just anyone. Sam’s love for Frodo is infinite. Also, you’re not taking up my time. It’s kind of nice talking about something other than word count.
Wilder~
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Jul 14 10:45 PM
SUBJECT: What the hell is queer theory?
I don’t think fear is what keeps me holed up in the closet. It’s complicated. I have this sense of obligation, got people relying on me. If I tell them about… this thing inside me, I’m not sure they’ll want me around anymore. Now you got me thinking… maybe it is fear holding me back. You asked me what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid that without me, my family will fall apart. My father passed a while ago. It was an accident, and my brother got hurt too. He was only sixteen at the time. He’s disabled pretty much now. His brain isn’t like it used to be and functions like a little kid. He’s capable enough, I suppose, but he’s basically a man trapped in a young boy’s mind. And it’s hard on my mom. She stays home with him, and I work to help supplement the insurance money she got from the accident. I have to be there for my mom and brother, even if that means I have to sacrifice a little. I feel funny dumping all of this on you, but I guess after you read this, we aren’t really strangers anymore.
P.S. You lost me at queer theory. But I think I read somewhere that Sam and Frodo were based on J. R. R. and a war buddy. And I like writing to you, too. I’m not open to anyone in my life, not anymore. So yeah, it’s nice having someone to listen, I guess.
Jordan~
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Jul 14 11:15 PM
SUBJECT: RE: What the hell is queer theory?
I’m so sorry about your dad. My parents disowned me last year, and I couldn’t care less. But at the same time, if one of them died… I’d be pretty fucked up about it. See, I have my own issues to work through too. Speaking of issues, what about this “thing” inside of you do you think is so hard for your family to understand? That sounds a bit like self-loathing to me. Could you be projecting? Pushing your own stuff onto your mom? Sounds like you and your family have gone through a lot together. And that sucks about your brother. It’s all so sad, really. I can see why you’d be afraid to shake things up. It sounds like you’re afraid of losing permanence too, but more for your brother and mom than yourself. You give them stability. Holding together a family is no easy task. But why do you think the burden of that should only fall on you? I might be overstepping when I say this, but it’s more than just a little sacrifice to fake your way through life.