I can’t tell you what to do, but I hope, if anything, this conversation has helped a little. And don’t worry, you’re not dumping. Honestly, I know this sounds odd, but I like how familiar this all feels, it’s like you weren’t a stranger to me in the first place.
P.S. Do an internet search of queer theory. You can thank me later. I’ve heard that about Tolkien as well. But I wonder if his publisher made that up to hide the fact that Frodo and Sam were indeed in love. The war buddy was his beard. There, I said it.
Wilder~
WILDER
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Jul 14 11:45 PM
SUBJECT: He was definitely a beard
Wilder,
Your parents disowned you! This kind of makes me want to kick someone’s ass. My dad was a homophobic asshole. Said shit to me all the time about pussies and pansies and how a man ought to be. How marriage was between a man and a woman and how homosexuals were not created by God. My mom never argued, but she never said nothing to contradict him either. If your parents could do that to you, and you’re amazing, if they could just throw you away like that, how can you think my mom wouldn’t do the same? Or any parent?
I don’t doubt that my dad is why I’m twisted up inside. And why I have so much hatred for who I want to be versus who I am. There’s a big chance my mom won’t be accepting of my attraction to men either. She’s a good person, but she loved my dad. She still goes to the same church they both attended every Sunday. He’s been gone for almost a decade, but sometimes it feels like he’s still there, sitting in his recliner, judging everything I do. I almost came out to him and my mom, but that feels like another lifetime.
By the way, I did like you said and looked up queer theory. What a rabbit hole. I don’t think I’m smart enough to be your friend. I’m a college dropout. Some of that stuff I tried to read was like another language. The most I got out of it was the idea that queer theory can be applied to everything. I had a good laugh when I found an article about queering up Cinderella. I think my mom would have a heart attack. It’s one of her favorite movies.
I should probably let you get to sleep, not sure if you’re in Atlanta still like your book said, but it’s almost midnight here. When I reached out, I didn’t think we’d be sharing such heavy shit, but I’m glad we are.
Thanks for listening,
Jordan
P.S. I had to look up the definition of beard. For someone who is in the closet, a beard is basically like a person or relationship to hide behind? I’ve had a few of those, unfortunately. Wouldn’t Rosie be a beard for Sam? That really sucks that he had to marry her. I hope I don’t end up like him.
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Jul 15 12:05 AM
SUBJECT: So, you think I’m amazing?
Jordan,
Since we’re friends now, by your admission, I’d like to say something, and I hope it doesn’t ruin our open dialogue. I know it’s not respectful to talk ill about the dead, but your dad is exactly the reason you’re still snuggled up nice and cozy in the closet. Well, him and the church he went to. And if we’re keeping it real, for you and all of gay kind, I kind of hate him. I haven’t given up hope yet on your mom. I mean, sure, you and I just “met,” and I don’t know her at all, but isn’t she the wild card in all of this? If your dad was that much of a dick about people being queer, then think about his views on women. I would bet all of my Lord of the Rings Funko Pops that he thrived in the patriarchal role, and that what he said was the law of the land. Your mom might’ve been afraid of him too. Give her a chance to prove you wrong. You said you had a boyfriend once? And they had no idea? You’d be surprised, a lot of parents already know their kids are gay.
And thank you for the offer to kick my parents’ ass (or is it asses?), but you’ll have to get in line. Most of my friends have already sworn their fealty to me. I know I should be more fucked up over it, and I’m probably repressing some very needed emotional breakdown that will inevitably bite me in the ass later, but right now I truly don’t give a damn about them. Their loss. I don’t need them, never have and never will.
Another thing, I’m not that smart. There’s this book, called “Gender Trouble” by Judith Butler. She’s like the mother of queer theory, and I swear to God, I don’t understand a word of it. Oh, and I’m going to need a link to this version of Cinderella. My friend June would die to read this.
Don’t worry about the time, I was finishing up some writing. You know something? I just realized we’ve skipped over all the small details and jumped right into the deep end. My book gives a lot of details about me, most of which are true. I am indeed still a resident of Atlanta. What about you? Seems as though we are in the same time zone, at least. Green is my favorite color. Lord of the Rings is my religion and Aragorn is my Christ. I’m twenty-nine, but my birthday is August sixteenth. And yes, I’m a stubborn Leo to the core. I know you just had a birthday, and I almost, on purpose, forgot to tell you that you share a birthday with “Jake.” But that’s not your fault. You can’t help the day you were born. I think this is probably enough information for now. After all, this isn’t a dating app profile. I’m not sure you’re ready to know if I’m a top or bottom yet. I almost inserted a wink emoji. It’s definitely getting late.
Sleep well,
Wilder
P.S. I do concede that Rosie could have very well been a beard. But what if Sam was bi-sexual?
A stream of sunlight poured through the window and across my bed. I tossed and turned a few times before settling on my back and flopping my arm over my eyes. I didn’t dare look at my phone to see what time it was. I was too afraid and too hopeful that Jordan had written me back. If it wasn’t for the sour taste in my mouth, I’d probably avoid getting out of bed for at least another thirty minutes. But I had a meeting with my publisher at eleven, and no matter how long I lay here, I couldn’t unsend that last email.
The sheet pooled around my waist as I sat up and lifted my phone from the other side of my mattress. He hadn’t responded yet. I told myself he was probably at work like the rest of the day walkers and dragged my ass out of bed. I hadn’t said anything too crazy in the email, had I? On my way to the bathroom, I reread it. I mean, I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that bit about topping and bottoming. This was what happened when I drank too much caffeine. I was notoriously flirty when sleep deprived. I had no idea about this guy. He could be catfishing me for all I knew. But Jordan seemed genuine.
“That’s exactly the point of catfishing, Wilder,” I said out loud to no one as I turned on the shower.
After my meeting, I’d ask June what she thought when I met her at Cup and Quill. I’d let her read through all of the emails and let her decide if she thought Jordan was the real deal, or some homophobic closet case pulling my chain. It wasn’t a total breach of Jordan’s trust showing her his emails. I’d never meet the guy in real life, and she was my best friend. She wouldn’t share my deepest secrets for all the money in the world. Jordan’s secrets were as good as my own. Deciding it was futile to worry, I opened the shower door and stepped under the hot water. I closed my eyes and let the heat cover me. Too deep in my head, I hadn’t heard the bathroom or the shower door open.