“There’s not much to tell. We had sex, and then he… we broke it off.”
“Was the sex good, at least?” she asked and took another big gulp of her coffee.
Laughing, I shrugged. “Sex with Anders is always good.”
“Was…”
“Yes, thank you for the past-tense reminder.”
“No problem.” She looked at my phone. “What do you think he looks like?”
“I don’t know.”
“He sounds southern… I mean, the tone he uses when he writes.”
“Maybe like a young Matthew McConaughey?”
“See... I was thinking more like… Scott Eastwood.”
“I could be down with that,” I said.
“I bet you could.” She laughed and the tension between us dissolved.
Between my morning with Anders and the mystery of Jordan, a powerful weight had attached itself to my shoulders. I thought about what I’d told Jordan. My need for stability. June had become my gravity. I didn’t like it when we argued.
“I needed this,” I said.
She knocked my knee with hers. “I know, it’s why I’m here.”
“Should we read the emails again, just in case you missed something important?”
“I thought you’d never ask.”
JAX
Heavy rain fell onto the metal roof of my house, the tin sound of it comforting, as I poured myself a glass of iced tea. Mom and Jason were in the living room watching Goonies. Whenever the weather got bad, my mom would put it on. It was his favorite movie and it helped keep his mind off the gusts of wind and lightning. I’d seen that damn movie too many times to enjoy it anymore, and with my workday getting cut short, I was restless. I’d asked my boss, Jim, if I could stick around and work on the trim inside the house, but he’d told me to take off. It was comical. You’d think people who lived through hurricanes wouldn’t freak out over a tropical depression, but the guys, including Jim, had everything packed up and were gone by one.
I’d taken a drive to the beach, enjoying the emptiness that surrounded me. Without a soul in the parking lot, from the front seat of my car, the gray ocean waves beat at the shoreline. My feelings on religion had always been mixed with confusion and fear. But that angry sky, all that wind bending the palm trees like they were made of rubber, it had me thinking about how small I was in the grand scheme of it all, and how God had much bigger things to worry about than who I was or wasn’t attracted to.
“Come watch the movie, Jax,” Jason said, grabbing a glass from the cupboard. He poured himself some tea, took a huge gulp, and then filled his glass again. “We’re not even to the best part yet.”
“In a minute, Jay, I’m gonna send a message to my friend, and then I’ll be right in.”
His smile was a punch to the chest. He was such a handsome kid. He’d had his future stolen from him, and here I was whining about my sexuality. Once he left the kitchen, I pulled out my phone and opened up my email from Wild, debating on how much I could tell him, or should tell him. It would be smart to just thank him for his time and end this back and forth we’d started. Especially since it seemed he wanted to make things more personal. I was such an asshole, because I already knew everything about Wild, or I used to. He’d told me once that his favorite color was green because that was the color of my eyes. I already knew the date of his birthday, and that he hated cake. I knew that he wore eyeliner when he was feeling moody, and I loved the way it’d made his light brown eyes dark and smokey. And that when it came to us and those stolen moments we’d had, hands and fingers, top or bottom, it didn’t matter to him. Sex had been something we’d shared together, on equal ground. I knew how soft his skin was under my fingers, and how his mouth tasted. I knew all of these things, and it made what I’d done, emailing him like this, seem cruel.
I typed out a message, erased it, and started it again. I did this about five times, staring at the screen of my phone. I tried to figure out a way to politely cut him off, thank him for all of his advice. But every time I tried to put all that shit into words, my hands would start to shake. Wild had only been back in my life for a couple of days, and I’d already fallen in too deep to let him go again. I sat down at the kitchen table, my head and stomach a mess of nerves. I knew what I needed to do, but I’d never been good at doing the right thing.
FROM: [email protected]
Date: Jul 15 3:30 PM
SUBJECT: RE: So, you think I’m amazing?
Wilder,
I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said, and maybe my mom would be more accepting than I’ve given her credit for. My dad was very controlling with me and my brother. It was probably the same way for her, but I didn’t see it because I was too involved in my own shit. And yeah, I had a boyfriend. He was everything to me, but I fucked it up. My parents had no idea. I’m a pretty closed book. And I’m not sure what a Funko Pop is, but you can keep them. I’m not about to come out to my mom yet, or anytime soon. Maybe I could say something to my brother, but he’d probably tell my mom not even meaning to. What you said, about setting yourself up, just in case everything goes to hell, I want that. I need to find my own footing, my own stability, and then maybe coming out won’t be as hard. At least not with my family. At work? That might never happen.
These homophobic idiots I work with started picking on this guy at the hardware store yesterday. They think he’s into me or whatever, called him something I’d rather not say. Sorry. I hate that word, even typing it, I’m angry all over again. One of the guys accused him of checking me out, which is ludicrous.
How do you do it? Are people assholes all the time? I admire how much you don’t give a shit. You’re strong, and yes, amazing. You’re talented, Wilder, and I don’t care who that Judith, gender lady, is, you’re smart as hell. Your book alone proves that.
As for the details, there isn’t much to tell. I don’t really have a favorite color. Today it’s gray. It’s raining, and I like how the sky makes the ocean change colors. I live in a small town near the Florida coast, Gulf side, not Atlantic, which made it easier for me to relate to Jake while I was reading. I think if I lived in Orlando, or Tampa, it might’ve been easier for me. Bigger the town, more open the mind. I don’t have a favorite book, but I do love LOTR. In my opinion, Peregrin is the best hobbit, if you couldn’t tell by my email address. Like me, he’s constantly messing stuff up. My least favorite movie is Goonies because it’s the only damn thing my brother will watch, and is currently playing again, in the other room, for the millionth time. I work in construction and hope one day to be a contractor. It’d be nice to be my own boss. Can’t think of anything else at the moment, but the idea of putting all of this on a dating app makes me laugh. I always thought those things were filled with dick pics and abs. Which isn’t a bad thing. But I’m not on the displaying-my-junk-for-the-world-to-see level of my gay experience yet.
I’ve attached a copy of that Cinderella story for your friend June. Let me know what she thinks.